The Best View: Batman’s Rogues Gallery–Done NFL Style

No sense in denying it–I’m a huge Batman fanboy. When it comes to anything having to do with the cape and cowl, I just about cream myself. I’m not quite as obsessed as the Superman impersonator from Confessions of a Superhero is with Supes (thank God), but somewhat close. I’m as crazy about The Caped Crusader as he is, well, batshit crazy. As you can imagine, I’ve been loading up on Batman in preparation for The Dark Knight.

I picked up all 120 episodes of the 1960’s Batman TV series. (shush, don’t tell anyone…because it hasn’t been officially released yet…but you can get it here). With a name like Adam Best, how could I not be obsessed with the Adam West TV show? I remember sitting in class all day as a kid thinking about Part Two, which I’d catch at home right after school. “Same bat-time, same bat-channel.”

I also scooped Seasons One through Three of Batman - The Animated Series, and there’s a badass sale for those going on over at Amazon right now, surely in conjunction with the new film’s release.  By the time I was in junior high, I had moved on to coming home and catching Bruce Timm’s darker cartoon. Don’t trifle with Season Four of BTAS–it’s garbage compared to the others. But definitely pick this up if you are into Batman. The series pretty much falls into must-own territory for any serious fan.

Then there’s Batman the Movie and Batman: Gotham Knight on Blu-Ray. Fun times, although Gotham Knight was a bit of a disappointment. The Batman anime is only 76 minutes long, and roughly half of the six segments suck. I wish we could get Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman on Blu-Ray, but I have a feeling that will come out when The Dark Knight drops on the format, probably right around Christmas. Warners ain’t stupid.

It was a combination of the original TV show, the comics, BATS and the Burton flick that got me hooked on all things Batman. I liked that Batman was a self-made superhero. That he decided to become a hero, instead of becoming one because of some super power that made him indebted to help society. The biggest difference between Batman and other superhero stories, however, is its rogues gallery of villains. No other superhero has even close to the badass baddies of the Batman saga. Period.

From Frank Gorhsin’s The Riddler to Frank Miller’s (of 300 and Sin City fame) Catwoman to the evolution of The Joker (Cesar Romero to Jack Nicholson to Heath Ledger), Batman’s bad guys are untouchable as far as comic book lore goes. That’s why Bob Kane’s superhero has been, and will be, around forever. I think that’s also why the fervor around The Dark Knight is unlike anything we’ve seen since, well, the 1990 Batman. Personally, I’m not sure I have been this excited to see a film during the 18 years in between. Maybe The Fellowship of the Ring or The Phantom Menace (that one hurt). Maybe.

I think the Batmania is due to the Joker, the biggest baddie of them all, being played by one of our generation’s finest young actors, Heath Ledger, in his final role (which isn’t completely true…see here). Christian Bale is also a fantastic actor. Ever since American Psycho, I said that he was the guy who could play both Batman and Bruce Wayne. He’s pulled it off. Dude is also hotter than Hansel right now, with Public Enemies and Terminator Salvation dropping soon. Again, Bale’s Batman/Bruce combo helps, but it is the bad guys that sell this one. I think moviegoers are a little more excited about The Joker/Two-Face duo they are about to get than the Ra’s al Ghul/Scarecrow one they got served three years ago.

That brings me to the baddest of the baddies in the sports world–the NFL’s outlaws. As a tribute to The Dark Knight on the day the film releases (after three LONG years of waiting!), here’s my rogues gallery of NFL villains. Sorry, Deadspin, your boy Kite Man didn’t make the cut. It hurt me, but I had to draw the line somewhere.

NFL Wrong-Doers, Wackjobs and Weirdos Cast as Batman’s Rogues Gallery:

Bane/Shawne Merriman - A whole lotta Vitamin S turned him into a superfreak. Without his chemically altered brawn, however, he is a pretty worthless supervillain. Phenomenal strength, pedestrian intelligence. Not nearly as cool as his fans think he is.

Catwoman/Gisele Bündchen - Because I want to see her in the fucking suit. Moving on…

Deadshot/Tom Brady - A show-off prick who’s all about two things–never missing and getting paid. His wrist-mounted gun is silent, but violent, and he takes tremendous joy in killing his opponents. Tried to claim kingpin status, but, fortunately, the Gotham’s Giants were around to stop him.

Harley Quinn/Chris Henry - The Joker’s protege. Not nearly as talented, nor as dangerous, and kind of a little bitch. This dipshit is definitely a jester. What kind of criminal tries to get caught, as Henry Quinn seems to do?

The Joker/Pacman Jones - Nobody really knows how this clown got so messed up, but something happened. He has indeed brought the NFL a “new class of criminal.” The baddest of all the baddies, Pacman, er, Adam seems to have turned over a new leaf. What happened to the homicidal maniac from the Minxxx? What happened to the Clown Prince of Crime who used to make money rain? Why so serious?

Killer Croc/John Henderson - Big, monstrous and scary. Can’t you see some sewer dweller slapping Killer Croc in the face several times right before he hunts down The Caped Crusader? He even plays in croc country, and I’m pretty sure dude could wrestle crocodiles if he wanted to. Homeboy is just a monster. People aren’t supposed to be that ginormous and frightening. He can’t be human.

Mad Hatter/Clinton Portis - Only Portis could concoct this nutty of a character. He’s not really a villain, though. Actually, I take that back. I wish Clinton cared as much about my fantasy football teams as he does his characters.

Mr. Freeze/Brett Favre - I’m starting to wonder if this guy would cryogenically freeze himself in order to keep playing forever. We know you love the Frozen Tundra, Brett, but you’ve gotta give it up eventually. He’s on serious thin ice with NFL fans, and even quite a few Packers fans. It’s not that we have hearts of ice, it’s just that this hot-cold game is getting old. To everyone but ESPN and Peter King, that is. Really effing old.

Penguin/Bill Belichick - Frumpy looks? Check. Out-of-style costume? Check. Weird fetish? Check (cameras instead of umbrellas). He even has a bird-like last name. If only Belicheat was a little shorter and had webbed hands. Wak, wak wak!

Poision Ivy/Jessica Simpson - Is it just me, or did she totally screw the Cowboys’ season up? Totally, right? She claims to love her hero, but yet she is the one who poisoned him and his crew. Romo needs to hurry up and ditch this botanical byotch. I’m convinced she’s a Fembot sent by Daniel Snyder.

Ra’s al Ghul/Roger Goodell - At first, he seems like a hero, one who’s intent on cleaning up his world. Upon further review, something just ain’t right. Is it just me, or is “Goodie Two-Shoes” Goodell secretly hellbent on world domination? There’s something just not right about this dude. I swear. Don’t come crying to me when he and his League of Shadows wipes us all out.

The Riddler/Chad Johnson - I once heard a joke about The Riddler that basically went like this…The Riddler is stuck in a building that’s about to blow up, calls Batman for help, Batman asks where he’s at, but The Riddler can’t help but give him his location in the form of a puzzling riddle. He’d rather die than break out of character. Sometimes I get the same feeling about Ocho Cinco. No. 85 is definitely an E. Nygma.

Scarecrow/Rodney Harrison - This coward who hides underneath his mask, er, facemask, will stoop to any low to strike fear into the hearts of his opponents. He’s also into pharmaceuticals, but he uses his drugs on himself, not his prey.

Two-Face/Terrell Owens - Holy schizophrenia! It’s pretty much a coin flip as to what you’re going to get out of T.O., the Dallas Cowboys’ cooky star receiver. One moment he’s the shiny, clean-cut hero you’ve been waiting for; the next, he’s the twisted villain you love to loathe. We’ve even seen some emotional breakdowns (the O.D. incident, the Romo tears). On the outside, Owens is a pretty boy. On the inside, it’s much more ugly.

(Adam Best is the lead writer over at Arrowhead Addict, and has covered sports and entertainment for various blogs, websites and publications. The Best View is his fusion of sports and entertainment. The Summer Blockbuster Series will draw upon some of the summer’s most-anticipated films to offer unique perspectives on the sports world.)