The Best View: Step Brothers With An NFL Twist

I haven’t gotten the chance to check out Step Brothers yet, mainly because of its so-so reviews. I’ve decided I’m going to go, despite its 52% score on Rotten Tomatoes, mostly because Peter Travers, my favorite critic, gave it a definite thumbs up. I’m also a big John C. Reilly fan, and like Will Ferrell when he’s not making shitty glorified SNL skits (Blades of Glory, Semi-Pro). So, I’m going to go see it eventually, just not with the crowds and at a matinee price. But not seeing the film won’t stop the Summer Blockbuster Series from, well, to quote Ferrell, keepin’ on trucking…

10 NFL Step Brother Combos I’d Love to See:

Just like John and Will in the movie, each combo would have to bunk together and co-exist as new step brothers…

Chad Johnson/Terrell Owens - This would be the greatest duo since Starsky and Hutch. Can you imagine Ocho Cinco and T.O. going clubbin’ together? Practicing their TD celebration dances into the wee hours of the morning? Never sleeping because they’d both be trying to get in the last word? Having a sleepover inside T.O.’s hyperbaric oxygen chamber? The show would probably go down in flames, however, because you know they’d both hold out once the ratings started going through the roof. Maybe the producers could trade them to Lost? I’m sure that would just break the hearts of a lot of NFL fans.

Jon Gruden/Tony Dungy - The Super Bowl-winning head coach of the Bucs who can’t get along with anybody, paired with the Super Bowl-winning ex-head coach of the Bucs who gets along with everybody. What a mouthful. How long would it take before Chucky went voodoo on Dungy? Coach D’s Quiet Strength would definitely be put to the test when Gruden started his trademark red-faced screaming.

Al Davis/Jerry Jones - Do I really need to even expand here? Blowing money. Saying idiotic things. Trying too hard to be eccentric. Dying. Whoops, didn’t mean to write that. Sorry, Al. Mr. Pepsi MAX and the Crypt Keeper would make beautiful music together.

Joey Porter/Levi Jones - This list wouldn’t be complete without the token set of step brothers who beat the ever-loving shit out of each other. Good ol’ fashion brother-on-brother violence has been captivating the public since Cain and Abel. These two thugs wouldn’t disappoint in the sequel to their Sin City fisticuffs.

Chris Henry/Pacman Jones - This house would include a stripper pole, bouncers with bullet-proof vests, house-arrest ankle bracelets and wads of Monopoly money for “make it rain” play time. I would do just about anything to see these two curled up in their twin beds, rocking their 80s t-shirts. You could always add Tank Johnson and have a trio, but you’d have to add a couple extra chefs as well. And probably a shooting range, too. These two make me embarrassed to be named Adam Christopher.

Brady Quinn/Kordell Stewart - Sleeping next to Stewart would make pretty boy Brady more nervous than he was on draft day. I’m betting Slash would just love to show him his versatility. And if Quinn’s denials about him being involved with a gay dating site are actually just a cover-up, this would be a match made in heaven. Who says there’s no love between the Browns and the Steelers?

Tom Brady/Tony Romo - The only fun aspect of pairing these two together would be to see them battle over who could pull the best wool. Or who could pull the better choke job, given their recent playoff histories.

Bill Romanowski/Rodney Harrison - To see which of these old dirty bastards would give the other a soap-in-a-sock Full Metal Jacket-style beating in their sleep first. My money’s on Harrison. Then again, does Romo ever even need to sleep with all that crap he’s jacked up on?

Aaron Rodgers/Brett Favre - If you think the press kills all things Favre, wait til you see what Rodgers would do to him. I’m betting that if he had to spend one more minute in Fav-rah’s shadow, he might literally kill No. 4.

Bryant McKinnie/Jared Allen - This is contingent on former wild man Allen falling off the wagon, but he’s just about the only person who could make the second voyage of the Love Boat more fun than the first. Then again, Jared could just sip back on his beloved O’Douls and watch Big Bryant receive fellatio, or even give it (so that’s how he got down with the Williams Sisters). Or maybe, Jared could just be the designated boat driver. Wait, his three DUIs probably make that a no-no. Regardless of what they would do together, don’t expect Chilly to room these two together on any of the Vikes’ road trips. In fact, it would be a good idea to put them on opposite ends of the hall.

(Adam Best has covered sports and entertainment for various blogs, websites and publications. The Best View is his fusion of the two fields. The Summer Blockbuster Series will draw upon some of the summer’s most-anticipated films to offer unique perspectives on the sports world. You can also find his work at Arrowhead Addict and Austin Script Guy.)