(My face will do that, too, if I have to endure this shit much longer.)

Here’s a haiku, dedicated to this weekend’s two most-overrated storylines:

The Mummy series is getting old

so is Brett Favre

Winter has already gone by

I mean, seriously, in 2019 Brett Favre will be contemplating his fourth unretirement, and Brendan Fraser will fight the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte in The Mummy: There Ain’t No Mummies in This French Bullshit! Someday beetles are going to be climbing out of Favre’s undead face like in the original The Mummy, and I’ll have to explain to my grand kids why a seventy-year-old Fraser is still fighting mummies. Or yetis. Whatever. Thank God they’ll never run out of cheesy CGI monsters.

Seriously, what in the hell is going on? Brett Favre joining the Vikings after playing for the Packers for what seems like a half century? A Mummy movie with no effin’ mummies? What’s next, Ron Artest and Yao Ming arguing about being ghetto? Whoops.

The good news is that The Mummy series doesn’t have a good reputation to tarnish. They knew this was going to be a whore’s movie from the git-go. Without The Mummy brand name slapped on it, this piece of garbage would be a straight-to-DVD title. I mean, it’s barely cracking double digits on Rotten Tomatoes (go read the reviews if you want a good chuckle), and that’s only because Roger Ebert is getting dangerously senile. Maria Bello should be ashamed of herself, too. Props to Rachel Weisz for bowing out on this one.

The bad news is that both Brett Favre and the Packers do have images to tarnish. You think of one when you think of the other, shouldn’t they at least part amicably before that gets ruined? I mean, they did win more games together than any other QB-team combo. Will Brett end up as a washed-up shell of his former self, a la Fatgic Johnson or the countless other hasbeens who couldn’t hang ‘em up? Will Brett beat the Packers as a Vike and turn Packers fans against him (I can hear Obi-Wan screaming that cheesy line, “you were the chosen one!”)? Will the Packers–arguably the pride of the NFL, possibly professional sports altogether–look like a bunch of pricks for ending a story-book career prematurely?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I’m sure glad my ass doesn’t have Direct TV installed yet at my new place. I can’t handle FavreCenter. Word to the wise: don’t go see the new Mummy flick, and don’t waste your time on the Favre media circus. A Favre trade will happen eventually with coverage ad nauseum, and you can check out The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor at like 3 AM on TNT in about five or six years. I’m just trying to save you time and money, people.

(Adam Best has covered sports and entertainment for various blogs, websites and publications. The Best View is his fusion of the two fields. The Summer Blockbuster Series will draw upon some of the summer’s most-anticipated films to offer unique perspectives on the sports world. You can also find his work at Arrowhead Addict and Austin Script Guy.)