I’m a huge Al Pacino and Robert De Niro fan. I take that back; I was a big fan of both, until they started making shitbombs like Showtime and Two For the Money. I consider The Godfather II one of the best movies ever made, and going to see Heat in the theater was one of my favorite movie-going experiences of all time. Now, Team Paniro is back together in Righteous Kill, but this time they’ll actually appear onscreen together, and for more than ten minutes.
Arguably the two greatest Crime genre actors of all-time paired up for one last go. Washed up or not, I’m fucking pumped. I bought Layer Cake on DVD from Best Buy for $3 and got a free ticket, and I’m going. Even if it sucks, I’m going to enjoy every minute. They’ve finally said screw it, let’s go down with a bang–together.
Speaking about careers that are supposed to be over and comebacks, how about Brett Favre? I actually have a theory about Jet Favre, and Righteous Kill is an apt title for this theory.
On the NFL weekend Brett Favre debuts as a Jet, everything goes right for him. First, the only thing stopping him from leading the Jets to an AFC East title, Tom Brady, gets his knee blown out by my boy Bernard “Bonecrusher” Pollard. Second, the Jets kicker goes down, so instead of field goals his fourth down prayer to some dude named Chansi Stuckey gets answered. Third, Aaron Rodgers looked awesome against the rival Vikes, so at least for now Packers fans don’t have to be pissed off at Favre.
It’s like the football Gods killed Tom Brady while smiling down on Fav-rah. The whole situation surrounding Favre is almost too damn serendipitous to believe.
The Week One Word:
Speaking of Chansi Stuckey, what the fuck is a Chansi Stuckey? The future answer to a trivia question about which receivers only caught one career TD from Favre, that’s what.
Dante Rosario is hot, but not quite as hot as Rosario Dawson. By the way, yes, we all saw that, Fox. I think this guy is a poor man’s Antonio Gates. Fantasy-wise he might be this year’s Boo Williams. Remember the year when Boo-Boo got real hot out of nowhere. I can already see the NFLN “Get Your Story Straight” commercial: “Dante Rosario? That’s our tight end? Isn’t she an actress?”
After a return that rivaled anything we’ve ever seen from Dante Hall or Devin Hester, Roscoe Parrish is now Roscoe P. Coldgame. What buttons did you push, because that spin-juke was video gamish?
Joe Flacco. The Ravens may have finally found their man. The tragic five-year Boller Experiment might finally be over.
I like Matt Ryan and Michael Turner, but I’m going to hold off my judgment. Unfortunately, they don’t get Millen’s Lions every week. Honestly, I’m more surprised that Matt Millen never worked for the Bush administration than I am that he still has a job.
If Chad Johnson is now legally Chad Ocho Cinco, can I put in a request for Brodie Croyle to become Brokie Croyle?
Tom Brady fantasy owners, meet Matt Cassel–and last place. I’m glad I picked Drew Brees in round three in my big league.
I love the Redzone Channel. A life without RZC is a life not worth living. Dude changes the channel for you, and does it well.
The Rams not only lost their owner this offseason, they also lost their pride. What the hell is wrong with the Lambs? Embarrassing. But now is a good buy-low opp on Steven Jackson.
Jason Campbell might be worse than Croyle or Tarvaris Jackson. No wonder he’s had six offensive coordinators in seven years. I mean, would you want to have him as the engine of your offense?
Ocho Stinko, Torry Hault, Braylon Deadwards and Marques Coldston all royally screwed fantasy owners yesterday. Eff all four of you.
Who’s older: Joey Galloway, Marvin Harrison or John McCain? Who cares, because they’re all done after this year.
Speaking of receivers, Matt Hasselbeck is going to be throwing to the ball boys before too long if his WRs keep dropping like flies. His top four guys are all out for significant time, two of them for the season (Ben Obomanu and Nate Burleson). Time to pick up Courtney Taylor.
Arnold Palmer could have done what Carson Palmer did yesterday, and Perry Farrell is probably worth more than Chris Perry right now when it comes to fantasy. The Bungles are desperate enough to go after Shauna Alexander. Yes, he of the gay twinkle-toe, wax-on-wax-off running style. Hit the hole like a man and stop doing that weird thing with your hand. You aren’t Mister Miyagi.
Chris Johnson is going to make LenDale White expendable. LenDale reminds me of Little Debbie, which is ironic considering that everything reminds him of Little Debbie snacks.
Trade Donovan McNabb. Do it now. Tell other owners that he’s back and his shoulder is fine. Remind them that he’s going to be even better when he gets his receivers back. Then watch him break their heart instead of yours. I am definitely trading homeboy this week in the league I have him.
I’m thrilled about picking Brian Westbrook second. I think he’s going to be more consistent than Purple Hovah, and he didn’t blow his knee out already. Phew.
Glenn Dorsey, aka Swamp Thing, is going to be a monster. Love my Chiefs’ new defensive line of Tamba, Tank, Thing and Turk. On the other hand, if we kept Jared Allen, Turk would still be at DT. Then we’d have Tamba, Tank, Turk and…Tanked.
Travis LaBoy is born-again hard with the Cards. I can’t believe I watched enough of that snoozefest to even say that.
I’d like to strangle Willie Parker with a Terrible Towel. Where were those TDs last year, asshole?
Entourage also kicked off this weekend. Pretty decent, but I’m more pumped about Heroes, despite a blah strike-shortened Season Two.
There was a reason I liked Drew Brees better than Peyton Manning. I do like Anthony Gonzalez, though.
Why don’t they just call Reggie Bush a WR. He is great in the open field, but his inside rushing is pathetic. His timid style makes Shaun Alexander look like the Nigerian Nightmare.
I was wrong about Matt Forte and the Bears. The Neckbeard might have brought this team back from the dead.
Cleveland may have wiped their asses with millions and millions this offseason. Ditto Washington…and Oakland.
Did I really drop Eddie Royal for a kicker yesterday? I’m an idiot.
Please don’t bring back Daunte Rollpepper, New England. That roll thingy he does is the leper of TD celebrations.
Good thing Dwayne Bowe wasn’t delivering babies yesterday. I love you, Show, but you better be back next week.
With all that talent, if the Cowboys don’t win it all in this post-Brady season, they should be taken to Singapore and canned. Talk about Hard Knocks.
Week One is always full of anomalies. For instance, Parys Hilton Haralson had 2.5 sacks. That’s exactly how many he had during his previous two years in the league. It always gets wacky. For instance, I thought the Jags and Vikings were going to the Super Bowl. I guess you can call me Happy Jack…or Trig Palin (yep, I’m going to hell). Expect things to get even weirder…both on The Best View and in the NFL.
