I”m a Lakers fan. But I’m also a straight shooter. That being said, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the Lakers are driving the rest of us Lakers fans as batsh** crazy as the above-pictured fan already is. To help my fellow Lakers fans cope, I’ve done a little research and dug up 10 little-known facts about the team. These tidbits really help explain the Lake Show’s recent struggles (and prevented me from getting into the bathtub holding a plugged-in toaster, Groundhog Day style)…
10 Little-Known Facts About the Lakers:
10. The Lakers consulted screenwriter Stephen Gaghan (Traffic) prior to the Rockets series. His advice: following the Lakers’ anti-climactic 4-1 first-round series win over the Jazz, winning a seven-games series would be much more dramatic. Knowing that Hollywood loves a great ending, the Lakers decided to follow Gaghan’s advice.
9. Phil Jackson attended Super Bowl XLIII, and actually had great seats. Not only did he not leave his seat once, he fell asleep humming the Grateful Dead to himself. Girlfriend and Lakers exec Jeannie Buss actually had to put down her beloved kettle corn and tell Phil that Kobe Bryant was demanding a trade to wake him up.
8. After scoring 108 points in Game Three at Houston, the Lakers were approached by a 10-year-old Rockets fan. The fan told the Lakers that Rockets fans, like Lakers fans, get free tacos when the Rockets hold their opponent under 100 points at home. The Lakers felt guilty and haven’t scored anywhere close to 100 in Houston since. The Lakers didn’t care enough to investigate and learn that Houston Jack in the Box restaurants don’t even offer that promotion. Damn kid.
7. Lamar Odom is faking his current back injury. The sooner the Lakers are done playing, the sooner he can begin wardrobe shopping for next month’s 2009 BET Awards.
6. Prior to the Rockets series, NBA sherriff Stu Jackson banned Jordan Farmar from using his ears to hear other team’s bench conversations during timeouts. The league installed a custom hi-tech pair of earplugs which limit his super-human hearing abilities.
5. Phil Jackson has witnessed many car accidents during his 63 years on this planet, but he only calls 911 for intervention if someone is actually on their deathbed. He’s even misread the situation a few times and let some victims croak.
4. After seeing Ron Artest break out the half-Anthony Mason, half-Von Wafer following the Rockets first-round series win, the Lakers decided that seeing what hairdo Artest would break out after winning another series was more important than winning a fourth title this decade. If that bit of hair-related motivation wasn’t enough, Sasha Vujacic has sworn not to wash his greasy locks until the Lakers’ season is over. His teammates can no longer stand their gnat-infested hell hole of a locker room.
3. Phil Jackson feels bad for Rick Adelman. After all, he has nine championships as a coach to Adelman’s zero, once compared Adelman to “Hitler” and was the coach of the Lakers team responsible for Adelman’s Robert Horry night terrors. That’s why Phil finally shaved his “good luck” moustache prior to the 2008-09 season. He was doing his brother from the NBA coaching fraternity a favor.
2. Pau Gasol does a half-ass job of wiping, literally, unless it’s a really challenging clean-up job. He always uses the remarkably soft Charmin. He also frequently quits when the situation gets too messy. Knowing that, is it any surprise that he hasn’t shaved since arriving in L.A.?
1. Americans cite morning coffee as the No. 1 thing needed to start their day off right. Spitting a giant yellow-green loogie on Kobe’s picture came in a close second. No, contrary to popular belief, Bill Simmons did not rig the results.
(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind Fan Addict. Follow him on Twitter.)
