If you know commissioner David Stern and his NBA, then you also know his dream scenario — LeBron James takes down Kobe Bryant in the 2009 NBA Finals, becomes Michael Jordan’s true heir — got busted when the Orlando Magic eliminated the Cleveland Cavs last Saturday night. In order to really drive home just how nightmarish of a night that was for Stern, I’ve compiled a list. Let’s kick off the NBA Finals in style with…

100 Things Stern Would Rather Do Than Watch A LeBron-less Finals:

1. Bring the corny “spin the wheel” gimmick back to the NBA Slam Dunk Contest.

2. Get his “hair did” with his old buddy Dennis Rodman.

3. Hit the tattoo parlor to get some ink with Rodman.

4. Play “kick the cameraman” with Rodman.

5. Do a two-man drag show with Rodman.

6. Unleash his bi-curious side and play “tummy sticks” with Rodman.

7. Hit the strip club with Jamaal Tinsley, Stephen Jackson and a loaded firearm.

8. Witness a league-wide outbreak of the Tinsley Flu; immune system failure due to a Snoop Doggesque weed regimen and a strict diet of Cheetos, Little Debbie snacks and pork rinds.

9. Hit the club with Tinsley again, but this time go throwback with the violence — bare-knuckle boxing, baby.

10. Bring former Cavs owner Ted Stepian back from the dead so he can buy another NBA team and trade away all its first-rounders.

11. Bring Eddie Griffin back from the dead and ride around with him, watching porn, with his BAC higher than his PPG.

12. Babysit Shawn Kemp’s 37 legitimate and illegitimate kids.

13. Recruit Kemp to speak about “safe sex” for the “NBA Cares” campaign.

14. Blow lines with Kemp that are longer than the Reign Man’s Reeboks.

15. Learn that David Robinson and Tim Duncan are actually black…

16. Then have to inform Duncan and Robinson that they are actually black.

17. Inform Mike Miller that he is actually white.

18. Show Miller a mirror when he doesn’t believe he’s white.

19. Console Miller when he sees his haircut.

20. Play Napoleon in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure on Ice.

21. Sport John Stockton’s Daisy Duke shorts.

22. Feed Grandmaster Flab (Charles Barkley) &  the Fat Five — Oliver Miller, John “Hot Plate” Williams, Kemp, Rick Mahorn and Stanley Roberts.

23. Go skinnydipping with them afterward.

24. Hire “Trader” Bob Whitsitt as his new stock broker.

25. Drive Stephon Marbury’s whip while he has consensual cheat-on-his-wife sex in the back of the truck.

26. Have a Vodka shot contest with Arvydas Sabonis.

27. Buy fast food/dodge bullets with Carl Landry.

28. Cover up Karl Malone impregnating another 13 year old (at least Roman Polanski didn’t knock her up, jesus)

29. Have impure thoughts about Kobe’s wife Vanessa with Malone.

30. Allow another Jason (that includes Jayson and Jay) Williams to enter the league.

31. Get high with Jason Williams and Randy Moss in their high school locker room.

32. Go to the shooting range with Jayson Williams.

33. Hop on the back of Jay Williams’ motorcycle.

34. Watch Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming collide in a freak accident, then fragment into thousands of shards and slivers of glass.

35. Wear diapers on the bench with Don Nelson.

36. Endure an old home video of the Brothers Van Gundy playing swords in the tub as little tikes.

37. Wear Jalen Rose’s draft suit to this year’s draft.

38. Wear the Mailman’s draft suit to this year’s draft.

39. Go on a “bucket list” road trip with Mark Cuban.

40. Throw honorary Bat Mitzvahs for Cuban’s daughters.

41. Switch jobs with Cuban for 24 hours.

42. Manage a Dairy Queen with Cuban.

43. Thank Cliff Robinson for godfathering the NBA’s headband craze.

44. Smash birthday cakes with Kwame Brown.

45. Reinstate referee Tim Donaghy.

46. Stand on a step-ladder during the NBA Draft to make player handshakes less awkward.

47. Wash Steve Nash’s greasy locks.

48. Wrap weed in aluminum foil and try to sneak it through airport metal detectors with Damon Stoudamire.

49. Book a week-long vacay for Kobe Bryant at the Cordillera Lodge and Spa in Eagle, Colorado.

50. Serve as Michael Jordan’s divorce lawyer.

51. Get headbutted by John Starks.

52. Referee a hardcore rules wrestling re-match between seven-foot scrubs Ha “You Won’t Be Laughing” Seung Jin and “Nasty” Nedzad Sinanovic.

53. Beat down a male stripper with Gary Payton and Sam Cassell.

54. Rock Chris “Birdman” Anderson’s fauxhawk.

55. Score the Birdman some meth and push him off the wagon.

56. Welcome Isaiah/J.R. “Pick A Name And Stick With It” Rider back into the league with open arms.

57. Camp out homeless at the Verizon Center with Andray Blatche. (yes, Blatche actually had to do that)

58. Hire Eric Musselman to be his personal chauffeur.

59. Listen to 24 consecutive hours of Dale “If I Spoke English, It Would Be My First Language” Davis interviews.

60. Have Qyntel “Vick Without The Fame…Or Talent…Or Herpes…Maybe” Woods dogsit for him.

61. Get a tattoo of a kid blowing his head off with a shotgun with Marquis Daniels.

62. Watch another NBA franchise throw crazy money at Vin Baker, the biggest alcoholic since Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

63. Head out to an NYC nightclub for a throatslashing good time with Skip to My Lou.

64. Get sexually assaulted by Anthony Mason.

65. Switch knees with Dino Radja.

66. Switch ankles with Grant Hill.

67. Approve Allen Iverson replacing Jerry West as the logo.

68. Interview A.I. about practice.

69. Appoint A.I. as ombudsman for the NBA’s dress code.

70. Live in Utah with Jerry Sloan during his next 20-year stint sentence.

71. Find out Magic Johnson has AIDS. (What? You mean that already happened? He looks like the healthiest man in America.)

72. Host the first annual Jermaine O’Neal/Kermit Washington Running Haymaker Contest.

73. Watch another Spurs-Pistons Finals with his eyelids propped open A Clockwork Orange style.

74. Play Yosemite Sam outside the White House with Lonny Baxter.

75. Ban Dikembe Mutombo from the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. For life.

76. Get suckerpunched in the jaw by Zach Randolph.

77. Watch Stop Snitchin’ 2 starring Carmelo Anthony.

78. Rummage his hands through Rick Fox’s “Soul Glo” hair.

79. Wait for Wally Szczerbiak to do his hair.

80. Play “Lob the Beer at Ron Artest” with Detroit Pistons fans.

81. Work at Circuit City with Artest.

82. Hang in Artest’s hood long enough to witness another table-leg murder.

83. Let Artest produce his debut rap album, Stern Warning.

84. Wear Rip Hamilton’s mask on a daily basis.

85. Dress Stu Jackson up as C3PO, then put on an R2D2 costume.

86. Construct a helmet for Jason Kidd’s son’s giant noggin.

87. Be the third wheel on a date with the Christies.

88. Anger management counsel Darko Milicic.

89. Chain smoke with Vlade Divac.

90. Hang with Ruben Patterson and his nanny.

91. Get his luggage stolen by Patterson.

92. Go door to door with Patterson on his “I’m a registered sex offender” tour of the new neighborhood.

93. Copy Kenyon Martin’s lipstick neck tattooo.

94. Trade wardrobes with Craig Sager.

95. Listen to all five of Shaquille O’Neal’s rap albums in one sitting.

96. Rap with Shaq on the sixth album’s first single, “Kobe, How Does My Ass Taste?”

97. Executive produce the new reality program, It Ain’t Really Gambling When You Have This Much F***in’ Money staring Barkley and Jordan.

98. Hit the gay clubs with John Amaechi sporting ass-less chaps.

99. Move a team back to Vancouver.

100. Allow Isiah Thomas to get hired to both coach and run the Clippers as Mike Dunleavy’s successor, er, replacement.

Feel free to add your own by clicking on “Comments” up by the title…

(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind Fan Addict. Follow him on Twitter.)