With all of us NFL fans stuck in “no man’s land,” I decided to grab a few of my fellow FanSided bloggers to help me put together an All-Name team from April’s NFL Draft. Here’s the Dirty 30 we came up with…
Offense:
C A.Q. Shipley, Pittsburgh Steelers - You know what, I think I’ve read a few of his novels. Matter of fact, I know I have.
G Duke Robinson, Carolina Panthers – Another opportunity for some great nicknames. Consider where he’ll be playing. Will the final choice be “Sucks?” It could just as easily be “of Earl.” – Cat Crave
G George Bussey, New England Patriots - Terrible accident he was in, back in ‘88. Now he looks like the love spawn of Nick Nolte and Mr. Ed.
OT Troy Kropog, Tennessee Titans – Interesting note: Troy is named after the hero of L. Ron Hubbard’s Beyond the Black Nebula. I guess it should go without saying that he’s got big shoes to fill. Ha! – Titan Sized
OT Sebastian Vollmer, New England Patriots – Ladies and gentleman, I present the president of Austria! – Inside the Iggles
OT Phil Loadholt, Minnesota Vikings – I always wondered who was going to be next in line after John Holmes and Ron Jeremy. Pretty soon he’ll be “acting” with Tito Ortiz’s girl.
QB Rhett Bomar, New York Giants – Rhett Bomar sounds more like an obscure body part to me than a person. I pulled my Rhett Bomar tendon. Sounds like it hurts, doesn’t it?
RB Frank “The Tank” Summer, Pittsburgh Steelers - He’ll give us all the chance to unleash Old School quotes. “Bring your green hat, we’re going streaking!” – Nice Pick, Cowher
RB LaRod Stephens-Howling, Arizona Cardinals: There are nicknames galore that go with Howling, but what is with all the hyphenated names suddenly? Darrius Heyward-Bey, Rodgers-Cromartie, Jones-Drew, Ricky Jean-Francois? It’s like everyone saw Hillary Rodham-Clinton and said “Oh hell yeah, I have to get me one of those.” – Ramblin’ Fan
TE Bear Pascoe, San Francisco 49ers – Other than the fact that his name sounds like a made-up porn star, you know where you take your dog’s name as your first name and the street you grew up on as your last name, it fits the 6-5, 260 pound tight end who grew up on a farm. – Niner Noise
TE Cornelius Ingram, Philadelphia Eagles – I hate to go here, but, dude…your name…screw it — it sounds like you sleep with your sister and survive off of mayonaise sandwhiches and generic orange soda in your trailer.
WR Freddie Brown, Cincinnati Bengals -”F. Brown” jerseys about to become Bengals all-time best-selling jersey. – Stripe Hype
WR Juaquin Iglesias, Chicago Bears – Wait a minute…are you…Enrique’s old man? Aren’t you a little old for this draft class?
WR Johnny Knox, Chicago Bears – Unfortunately, Bam, Chris Pontuis, Steve-O and Wee Man didn’t make the cut. Then again, there’s always sequels!
Defense:
CB, Captain Munnerlyn, Carolina Panthers – What nickname will he earn during his first few days in mini camp? Will it be, Hook, Tennille, Blye…take your pick. – Cat Crave
CB Jerraud Powers, Indianapolis Colts – Isn’t he the current Intercontinental Champion of the World? Powers scoops him up and…piledriver! – Inside the Iggles
CB Coye Francies, Cleveland Browns – Sounds like an up-and-coming actress to me. Kind of sounds hot, actually. Maybe I saw her in this month’s Maxim?
DE Stryker Sulak, Oakland Raiders – A name that only Star Wars dorks would envy, although not even George Lucas is creative enough to conceive a name like this. Stryker might have gained fame had he been an Eastern European soccer star, instead he’s just blogger fodder in American Football. – Just Blog Baby
DE Lawrence Sidbury, Jr., Atlanta Falcons – If his NFL career doesn’t take off, then at least he’s got that trust fund to fall back on.
DT Sen’Derrick Marks, Tennessee Titans – Sen’Derrick? What’s the apostrophe for? Is Sen’ short for Senator?
DT Ziggy Hood, Pittsburgh Steelers - The visual puns (Ziggy is a comic strip character, kind of a schlubby loser) write themselves. – Nice Pick, Cowher
DT Ricky Jean-Francois, LSU – They made me read about this famous French freedom fighter in history class. Interesting fella.
LB Moise Fokou, Philadelphia Eagles – The Philly faithful have big plans for this dude. Chants of “FOK-OU ROMO!” and “FOK-OU ELI!” will echo throughout Lincoln Financial Field for seasons to come. Andy Reid is a genius. – Inside the Iggles
LB Slade Norris, Oakland Raiders – Rejected action flick villain name. They went with Castor Troy and Simon Phoenix instead. Maybe this will be the name of Travolta’s character in his next bomb.
LB Jasper Brinkley, Minnesota Vikings – Has a twin brother named Casper and can conveniently walk through blockers. – The Ebony Bird
LB Kaluka Maiava, Cleveland Browns – Is it just me, or does this sound like the Hawaaiin take on the coffee cocktail?
S Darcel McBath, Denver Broncos – A McBath…what Ronald, Grimace and Mayor McCheese take together when they slip away on one of their “fishing trips.” – The Viking Age
S Michael Mitchell, Oakland Raiders - Is this guy the biggest reach in this draft class, or a Rodeo Dr. hair stylist with his own reality show?
S Al Afalava, Chicago Bears – When I see this name, all I can think about is the Little Rascals. Where’s Buckwheat at? He “otay?”
Special Teams:
K Ryan Succop, Kansas City Chiefs - With a name like Succop, it’s clear why you snuck in there as the last pick of the draft.
(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind Fan Addict. Follow him on Twitter.)
