The Hangover drops today, but following my Lakers’ big blowout win last night, I’m feeling anything but hung over. Orlando Magic fans, Laker Haters, I sympathize. I truly do. For I, too, have suffered many sports hangovers during my 30 years as a sports fanatic. Because of that, I wanted to name and define some of the most excruciating hangovers we suffer as fans. Here’s my list…
The Clipperbocker - Named after arguably the two worst franchises in sports — the Clippers and Knicks. This hangover is similar to someone who prays to the porcelian gods every single time they drink gin, yet continues to drink it all the time. I mean, how many times do you have to get burned before you decide that this one-sided relationship is poisonous? You’re never going to be able to stomach gin well, i.e. Donald Sterling is never going to produce a winner. It’s almost like these fans are punishing themselves, addicted to the hangover and its recovery process. It’s so obvious. There are cursed teams like the Blues and the Chiefs and the Cubs and the Pacers and the Vikings. These teams make a legitimate effort to win championships, but always come up short. There is no reason to think that the Bengals or the Clippers or the Knicks or the Raiders or the Royals are ever going to get it right. Fans who believe in teams with lousy owners are like people who think drinking will just magically wash away all their problems. Time for a reality check.
The LeBron James – Destiny is by your side on this one. Because of that, you can’t lose. Hell, commercials are even stating that going all the way is predestined. There’s only one problem with that: everyone bought into that hype except the athlete/team who beat you. The Cavs, Kimbo Slice, the Patriots and the Rays and their fans have all been burned extra crispy recently for having the audacity to believe they were the chosen ones. In sports, will power does the heavy lifting — not destiny. If destiny or Sports Gods really existed, why would it/they favor your rooting interests anyway? These fans deserve the Grade A hangover they almost always receive.
The New York Yankees - This one is simple. You expect your team to win it all every year in dominating fashion. It’s almost impossible for them to please you, so they almost always let you down. Rooting for a team like this is almost a perpetual hangover, and sometimes even winning it all isn’t that sweet — it’s just expected. This is kind of like the rich executive with the big house, drop-dead gorgeous wife and ridiculous whip. He should be happy with what he has, but instead he stays high off a cocktail of antidepressants and scotch because his life isn’t quite “perfect.” Striving for perfection is fine. Expecting it is stupid. Perfection is a figment of our imaginations. It only exists on those corny posters.
The Bill Buckner – Everything is going according to your plan until an athlete or coach chokes bigger than life when you need them the most. Buckner getting nutmegged by a grounder in the ‘86 Series. Chris Webber calling a T.O. his team didn’t have down the stretch. Lin Elliot shanking three field goals and an extra point in the Divisional Playoff round when the Chiefs had homefield advantage. Nick Anderson suddenly morphing into teammate Shaq from the free throw line. Greg Norman getting Green Jacket jacked by Nick Faldo. Norwood going wide right. THE Mike Dunleavy allowing his Jail Blazers to blow a 15-point fourth quarter lead against the coming-of-age Shaq-Kobe Lake Show. This hurts because these athletes and coaches have been dependable up until this point, causing you to expect a strong performance. When they don’t deliver and it ruins your chance to finally have some fan glory, you want to literally murder them. Derrick Thomas wanted to kill Elliot. He said as much. D.T. was just speaking up on behalf of all of us enraged fans. Hey, if we choke like that our asses get canned like tuna. Especially in this economy.
The Steve Bartman – When a factor that has no business deciding the outcome of a game — the weather, the refs, a technical malfunction, a fan! — totally snatches defeat from the jaws of victory for your team. This hangover is initially very frustrating, because there’s really no way you can just say the other team was better and move on. Then again, at least you have someone or something to project your anger onto. That always helps one cope the brown bag sports flu. But you’ll never fully shake this particular hangover. You’re damaged sports goods after this one, I’m afraid.
The Chicago Cubs – You know you shouldn’t believe, but you do. Things have always been bad. You can’t even remember when things were good, because in your lifetime there has never really been any good. But, for some reason, you always think this year is going to be different. Your team isn’t cursed, things just didn’t bounce their way. This is finally their year — you can just feel it. I mean, it’s bound to happen eventually, right? The worst part about this particular hangover is that it basically prevents you from being mad at your team. After all, how can you be mad at your team? They’re just doing what they always do — you’re the one who needs to adjust. As a Chiefs fan, I’ve been doing this my entire life, and will continue to do it until the day I say adios. It’s almost more like alcoholism than a hangover, really. You should quit. You really should. You just can’t.
The Jerry Sloan – This one is the anti-hangover. Kind of like the pro drinker who struggles to even get a buzz, you eventually become so used to the routine you become numb. Whoever you are rooting for isn’t great. They aren’t terrible either. They are smack dab in the middle. Typically, they are too good to secure a good draft pick, and too bad to make any noise in the postseason — aka “no man’s land.” Rooting for an athlete or team like this will have you wishing for something, anything, to break the humdrum cycle of mediocrity. Even if it is losing. At least then you can have something to break up the monotony, even if it is pain and suffering. And at least then you can have something to bitch about. Hard to bitch when your team perrenially makes the playoffs.
The Buster Douglas – This is the equivelant of having three or four beers and then going to the hospital the next day for alcohol poisoning. It doesn’t even seem possible on paper, so there’s no way to see it coming. In his shocking title bout loss to Buster Douglas, Mike Tyson was a 42-1 favorite. The match was supposed to be a tune-up for a big showdown with Evander Holyfield. I was 11 at the time, and I thought a Tyson loss was about as likely as me becoming an astronaut. Then Tyson hit the canvas and my jaw hit the ground. This is the kind of loss you never, ever recover from. If you’re a fan of the losing athlete or team, it’s going to sting pretty much forever. It may even hurt so bad that you never fully give your heart out as a fan again. Being a sports fan is like having a Band-Aid ripped off — it hurts way less when you see it coming.
(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind Fan Addict. Follow him on Twitter.)
