(Scott Tunstall, the guest writer of this piece, is the lead blogger over at Inside the Iggles. You can follow his thoughts on the Philadelphia Eagles and the NFL at ITI and on Twitter — @ITIScott.)
Ugh. It’s officially the dead zone of the NFL calendar year. All the elite free agents have been gobbled up, the draft buzz has simmered and Brett Favre is talking comeback. In other words, nothing interesting or original is happening. Pro football junkies across the land are suffering through severe information withdrawal. They are in need of anecdotes to relish and minutiae to scrutinize until training camps open in another seven weeks.
Problem solved. There are always intriguing fabrications storylines brewing behind the scenes of every NFL franchise. Leave the team outlooks and season previews to the beat writers. These are the real headlines die-hard fans want to know; the juicy gossip the mainstream media refuses to acknowledge. Here are 32 snippets — one for each team — to follow from now until late July.
Atlanta Falcons – Michael Turner tweets a picture of a janitor resembling Michael Vick rubbing Icy Hot in Matt Ryan’s jock. This could severely hamper Vick’s inevitable return to the NFL if he is implicated.
Arizona Cardinals – Anquan Boldin hires Jerry Maguire to be his agent. Maguire’s first order of business is to legally change Boldin’s name to Rod Tidwell.
Baltimore Ravens – New defensive coordinator Greg Mattison successfully clones Ed Reed. His plan is start four Reeds in the secondary and be the first defense in NFL history to record 100 interceptions.
Buffalo Bills – To promote team unity, Terrell Owens hands out a pair of his signature practice tights to every member of the roster and coaching staff. Old school coach Dick Jauron doesn’t understand why NFL players need pantyhose.
Carolina Panthers – Julius Peppers announces his intention to play all eleven defensive positions in 2009. According to Peppers, he’s “that good.”
Chicago Bears – Quarterback Jay Cutler promises an undefeated season. He also claims he was the first choice to play Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek. The city of Chicago is flummoxed.
Cincinnati Bengals – HBO’s Hard Knocks drops the Bengals for the upcoming season. Apparently, not enough players were arrested in the last twelve months.
Cleveland Browns – After reviewing tape from the first OTA, Eric Mangini seeks advice from Rod Marinelli on surviving a winless season.
Dallas Cowboys – Jerry Jones declares the Cowboys’ new stadium the Ninth Wonder of the Modern World. Jones’ ego still holds the title of Eighth Wonder.
Denver Broncos – A stack of Tarot cards are found in Josh McDaniels’ office. Owner Pat Bowlen launches a full-scale investigation to determine whether McDaniels is in fact a Warlock.
Detroit Lions – Rumors surface that Calvin Johnson struck a deal with a major publisher to pen his memoirs. The working title is reported to be Diamond in the Dumpster.
Green Bay Packers – A group calling themselves “Cheeseheads For Life” files a petition to change the name of the team from Packers to “Cheeseheads.” Despite delicious samples of Wisconsin Swiss at the hearing, the petition is shot down.
Houston Texans – Gary Kubiak is avoiding ladders, black cats and mirrors ever since learning the Texans have become everyone’s sleeper pick to make the playoffs. A team shaman is also hired to ward off evil spirits.
Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning declines a commercial for a local Toyota dealership. It is believed to be the first television commercial Manning has turned down.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Jack Del Rio is toying with the idea of cutting all his wide receivers and employing a double tight end wishbone offense. New arrival Torry Holt is not pleased.
Kansas City Chiefs – The dedicated Chief fan base searches for Spanish heritage in Matt Cassel’s family tree so they can play “Spanish Castle Magic” on game days.
Miami Dolphins – In keeping with the throwback identity established by Bill Parcells, head coach Tony Sparano introduces “iron man football” to the team. Sparano is confident he can win with a 20-man roster.
Minnesota Vikings – In order to facilitate the recruitment of a certain quarterback, the Governor of Minnesota renames the state’s largest body of water Lake Favre.
New England Patriots – Tom Brady’s torn ACL sells on eBay for $20,000. It is purchased by a 25-year-old woman from New Hampshire. She marries the ligament two days later in a private ceremony.
New Orleans Saints – There is growing sentiment within the organization that Kim Kardashian would be better in short-yardage situations than boyfriend Reggie Bush. Finding uniform pants to fit her is proving difficult.
New York Giants – Safety Kenny Phillips predicts the Giants will finish 6-10. “Hey, with everybody else sayin’ we’re gonna win 12 or 13 games, I’ll look like a genius when we tank,” says Phillips. Tom Coughlin immediately issues a team gag order.
New York Jets – To shake his pretty boy West Coast image, top draft pick Mark Sanchez spits on a cab driver and punches a police horse in the face. Rex Ryan is quoted as saying, “That’s my kind of quarterback.”
Oakland Raiders – JaMarcus Russell is out of shape, Darrius-Heyward Bey can’t catch and Javon Walker had another surgery. Everything is in place for the Raiders to fail in 2009.
Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles beat writer Les Bowen spots Asante Samuel dropping Brian Westbrook from his Top 10 Fantasy running back rankings. Samuel’s response: “I love Westy, but I can’t dominate my league with a gimpy 30-year-old running back.”
Pittsburgh Steelers – With two Super Bowls to his name, Big Ben is convinced one more championship will bury that stupid old clock tower in London once and for all.
San Diego Chargers – Philip Rivers is still not over the Jay Cutler trade. Who will he yell insults at from across the field now? His only hope is Matt Cassel becoming a whiny prima donna.
San Francisco 49ers – New head coach Mike Singletary has gone nearly 250 days without smiling. Guinness has been notified.
Seattle Seahawks – The over-under on games played for receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh is six. Matt Hasselbeck follows his heart and foolishly bets the over.
St. Louis Rams – The Greatest Show on Turf has become the Greatest Parking Lot Carnival in a matter of six years. Stale popcorn and shriveled hot dogs for everyone!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Rookie Josh Freeman has already reserved the finest suite in Miami for the 2010 Pro Bowl. He’ll be on the team. Just ask him.
Tennessee Titans – Vince Young is working hard toward disappointing the organization and fans for a fourth consecutive season by upholding his “bust” status.
Washington Redskins – Owner Daniel Snyder tried to purchase the 2009 NFL Draft, but Commissioner Roger Goodell informed him it wasn’t for sale. Undeterred, Snyder has begun making bids for the 2010 draft.
(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind Fan Addict. Follow him on Twitter.)