The Taking Tanking of Pelham 123 drops today, and it looks like it will be the latest in a long line of s***balls for John Travolta. Seriously, the only person who’s been worse than Travolta since 1995 is Mike Tyson, and he was an aging prizefighter with mental problems who just got released from prison. Sure, he’s had a few good flicks. But, hell, even the Clippers have made the playoffs since Travolta played Vincent Vega. It’s like Travolta and Nic Cage are battling for intergalactic worst hairpiece/film reviews supremacy. If that’s the case, I actually think Travolta is winning, er, losing. You know what I mean.
Check out this graph of his post-Pulp Fiction filmography yearly Rotten Tomatoes average:
That’s good for an average score of 46.84 a year. Here’s how I break down what kind of films you get at what percentages on RT:
90-100: Always at least very good, if not classic. Pretty much impossible not to at least appreciate films in this review range.
75-89: Strong, strong film. Sometimes even great or classic. Almost everyone is going to like almost all of these films.
60-74: Typically enjoyable, but flawed. Most of the time most people will enjoy these films.
40-59: I still go see films in this review range if I really want to see them, and sometimes I even enjoy them (Terminator Salvation). Once in a blue moon, the critics will screw up and score a movie too low, i.e. 2006’s The Fountain (51). Most of these films, however, are bad.
30-39: I’d say that maybe a couple out of every hundred in this range, a handful tops, are worth a damn on any level.
20-29: A really good movie in this range is almost like a winning lottery ticket, except less common.
0-19: Uwe Boll might as well have directed it.
If we’re going by that scale, John Travolta has been about as good as Pauly Shore over the course of the past 15 years. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. We’ll look at his filmography in chronological order over that span film by film, assessing three grades: good, watchable, unwatchable.
White Man’s Burden (RT Score: 26): An interesting concept that resulted in an uninteresting movie. This movie was actually frustrating, because the concept had potential. Unwatchable
Get Shorty (85): Great flick. Then again, Travolta was basically playing Vincent Vega lite. Good
Broken Arrow (59): Watch this now and try to take it seriously. I’m not so sure both Christian Slater and Howie Long weren’t better than Johnny Scientologist, too. Ouch. Watchable
Phenomenon (52): I hated this movie. The only thing phenomenal was the sense of relief I had when it was over. That 52% is extremely generous. I think he got the Pulp Fiction curve on this score. Unwatchable
Michael (36): This made Phenomenon seem phenomenal. There was nothing good about this movie, except maybe Travolta’s poofy mullet. Unwatchable
Face/Off (93) : Maybe my second favorite Travolta flick ever. Insanely rewatchable. I think it worked mostly because of the script and director, but also because the two hams — Cage and Travolta — were unbelievable at mimicking each others’ hamminess. Good
She’s So Lovely (63): Didn’t see it, didn’t want to. Heard it was an absolute crapfest. Unwatchable
Mad City (37): The people who bought tickets to this piece of screen dung were the ones who were mad. I tried to watch it at home, and shut it off about 30 minutes in. Unwatchable
Primary Colors (80): This one worked because of a strong supporting cast and Travolta’s hammy rendition of Bill Clinton. Good
The Thin Red Line (78): Another fine movie, but more due to the fact that Terrence Malick spent 37 years bringing it to life than anything else. Watchable
A Cival Action (79): Meh. It was OK. Shouldn’t have been nearly an 80, though. I would have called it a 60 on the dot. Watchable
The General’s Daughter (22): I wouldn’t want my worst enemy’s daughter to endure this cinema trash. Unwatchable
Lucky Numbers (23): My unlucky number must have been called when I bought a ticket for this bomb. Damn, I was dumb 10 years ago. Unwatchable
Battlefield Earth (3): The mother of all flops. Unwatchable.
Swordfish (25): The rumor is that this one got a 25% only because Halle Berry showed her ta-tas. Unwatchable.
Domestic Disturbance (24): The title of this film is how I would describe this playing in anyone’s home. Unwatchable.
Basic (21): This movies plot wasn’t even Basic. It was retarded. Unwatchable.
The Punisher (29): Anyone who spent two hours of their life on this comic book FAIL was who got punished. Unwatchable
Ladder 49 (41): I’m going to give Mr. Saturday Night Fever a break here and say barely…nah…it took me like a week to get through this snoozer. Unwatchable
A Love Song for Bobby Long (40): My hair was nearly as white as Travolta’s was in this by the time it was over. Unwatchable
Be Cool (29): There was nothing cool about this flick. Damn near made me hate both Andre 3000 and Vince Vaughn. Unwatchable
Wild Hogs (14): I hate Bill Macy for taking a role in this garbage. I hate my dad for going to see it twice. Unwatchable
Lonely Hearts (51) – Did this go straight to DVD? Unwatchable
Hairspray (91) – An excellent musical. Travolta was good because he hammed it up as a fat lady. Good
The Taking of the Pelham 123 (45) – My people tell me that this is another Tony Scott suckjob. Unwatchable
That’s four good, three watchable and 18 unwatchable movies in a decade and a half. At one point he had 12 unwatchables in a row (like a Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks or Will Smith hit streak). In the past 10 years, the only movie of his that was good was a musical in which he had a supporting role. Ed Wood could have directed that! And most of the movies that were good or watchable were either because he was Hammy and the Hendersons or not because of him at all. How he only has one Razzie is a genuine miracle.
That being said, until John Travolta does a good film — I’m talking 80 or above “certified fresh” on RT — he’s dead to me. Deader than disco, appropriately given the subject. For your sake, I hope you adopt the same policy.
(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind Fan Addict. Follow him on Twitter.)
