Yesterday, Xavier’s Jordan Crawford dunked on LeBron James during a LeBron James Skills Academy pick-up game. Or did he? Apparently, Nike confiscated all video evidence of Drama Queen James’ facial per his her majesty’s request (Ouch, I think I just felt my brother punch my voodoo doll in the face.) I did some digging around, and I’ve discovered that this is not the first time Phil Knight and his cronies have confiscated video evidence in order to protect a Nike superstar.
Top 10 Other Things Confiscated by Nike
10. Troy Aikman’s CAT scan X-rays. One of the “Just Do It” Crew’s football legends wouldn’t be on TV if people knew what his concussed lump of a brain really looked like.
9. All casino surveillance videos featuring Charles Barkley. Otherwise The Biggest Loser might be a reality show on Sir Charles’ gambling futility.
8. Ronaldo’s original dental records. If you think the pictures you’ve seen of Ronaldo’s Strahanesque gap are bad, imagine what his grill used to look like.
7. Albert Pujols’ real birth certificate. If they made a movie about him it would be called 30 Going On 36. Nike mastered the art of the fake birth certificate with Dikembe Mutombo.
6. The most incriminating picture’s of Alex Rodriguez’s “bitch tits.” The Swoosh couldn’t have their star slugger looking like Meatloaf in Fight Club.
5. All records of Michael Vick’s cockfighting operation. Pitting pits against each other was just a hobby for Old No. 7. This was his real passion.
4. Michael Jordan’s little black book. Phil Knight didn’t mind the cheating, Knight just never wanted Mike to lose the zillions the Jumpman logo earned him. It was a noble effort.
3. All reports that Tiger Woods was a virgin until he met Elin Nordegren. The Beaverton, OR company didn’t want folks thinking their MVP couldn’t get it in the hole off the green.
2. All security videos from the Cordillera Lodge and Spa in Eagle, Colorado for the night of July 1, 2003. As far as Nike is concerned, Kobe Bryant wasn’t even there.
1. All evidence that Serena Williams has a penis. C’mon, women don’t have legs like that. Bary Sanders had legs like that.
(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind Fan Addict. Follow him on Twitter.)
