(Scott Tunstall is the lead writer over at Inside the Iggles and a special contributor to Fan Addict. Subscribe to his RSS feed and follow him on Twitter.)
Believe it or not, 2009 marks the 15th anniversary of Pulp Fiction. Damn, I feel old. Well, I got bored and decided to recast this super-cool classic with current NFL players. After a weekend of holding auditions, I came up with what I believe is a Tarantino-approved lineup. Grab yourself a Big Kahuna Burger and a refreshing beverage. It’s Pulp Fiction, NFL style.
Randy Moss as Jules Winnfield
Jules starts out as a ruthless, Bible-quoting, foot-massaging hitman. Then he finds God. The last we see Jules, he’s on the path to righteousness. Once upon a time Randy Moss was a selfish malcontent who enjoyed fake mooning Packers fans and yelling at his quarterbacks. Since becoming a Patriot, Moss has been on his best behavior. Like Jules, Randy left behind his bad boy ways to pursue a greater goal.
Jay Cutler as Vincent Vega
Vincent is sittin’ pretty after getting back from Amsterdam. He sampled some quality European smack and learned the metric system. All is good. Then he gets shot at, has to clean Marvin’s brains from Jules’ car, endures a botched robbery, nearly kills his boss’s old lady, and finally gets blown away with his own gun after taking a dump. Cutler was feelin’ much love after a jaunt to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl. He was “the man” in Bronco land. Then Josh McDaniels arrived in town. A Matt Cassel-to-Denver rumor surfaced, egos were bruised, a reconciliation failed, and Cutler ended up a Chicago Bear. Jay knows strange trips. My only reservation: can he dance?
Brett Favre as Butch Coolidge
Butch promises Marcellus to go down in the fifth. Butch lies. Tarantino described the character as “a bully and a jerk.” He’s also tough as nails and quite resourceful. Favre broke a promise to retire and is clearly displaying the characteristics of being both a bully and jerk. But in the end, he always gets his way. Since quarterbacks and pass rushers are mortal enemies, Favre saving Porter from Team Gimp seems fitting. In addition, old Packer and soon-to-be Viking Favre is the best candidate to kill a Bears’ quarterback.
Joey Porter as Marsellus Wallace
Marsellus is one intimidating kingpin. He is fond of loyalty and isn’t very forgiving of those who double-cross or disrespect him. Porter bleeds for the team he does battle for. He’s been known to call out opponents and doesn’t mind expressing his disdain toward others. In 2004, he dropped the gloves with Browns running back William Green during pregame warm-ups. A couple years later, he and his entourage attacked then Bengal tackle Levi Jones in a casino. He’s unstable and scary. All this makes him the ideal guy to be raped by Zed in the basement of a pawn shop.
Mark Sanchez as Mia Wallace
Mia is young and impressionable with model good looks. She likes to mingle with her hubby’s hood buddies even though she isn’t really equipped to hang. Sniffing high-grade smack is a classic rookie mistake. Sanchez thinks he’s ready for the Broadway spotlight, but he has no idea. Thus, he’s the perfect choice to be Joey Porter’s bitch. Porter thinks SoCal pretty boy quarterbacks who play for the rival Jets are purty.
Ray Lewis as Winston “The Wolf” Wolfe
The Wolf is the dude you call when the feces hits the fan; even if it means interrupting his morning cocktail party. He talks fast, thinks fast and drives fast. Listen to The Wolf and do what he says, everything will be copasetic. Lewis talked his way out of a murder rap back in 2000. When he speaks, people listen. If you’re in a pinch, and there are blood stains and dead bodies involved, give Ray-Ray a call. You’ll be in the clear in no time.
Martin Gramatica as Zed
The horrifying rape scene is made all the more uncomfortable because Zed is a redneck weasel. Under normal circumstances, Marsellus wipes the floor with Zed. Can you think of anything more disturbing or embarrassing or funny than watching a kicker nicknamed “The Great Gazoo” riding Joey Porter? I sure as hell can’t.
Chris Cooley as Lance
I heart Lance. I really do. A drug dealer who sports a dingy lime greenish robe and appreciates a good bowl of “Fruit Brute” cereal is my kind of bro. If you happen to be OD’ing on heroin, Lance is your man. Just don’t call him on a cell phone: “I don’t know you… prank caller, prank caller!” I’m not even sure why I think Cooley is right for the part. To be honest, I just want him in the flick. However, he does seem like the type of guy who wears a robe and slippers around the house and keeps giant adrenaline-filled hypodermic needles in the fridge.
LenDale White and Chris Johnson as Pumpkin and Honey Bunny
What’s more romantic than the couple who robs together? If only they had half a brain between them. Alas, these two nitwits pick the wrong place to hold up at breakfast. Through it all they stick together and reinforce the love they share for one another. Chrissy and LenDale or “Smash and Dash” or whatever they are calling themselves, are quite the cute couple. They have pet names for each other and get off breaking into the end zone. I see LenDale as Pumpkin. You know, ‘cuz he’s fat.
Ricky Williams as The Gimp
Ricky is without question the most eccentric football player in recent memory. He once wore a wedding dress and pretended to marry Mike Ditka. He also used to don his helmet during all on camera interviews. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s slept in a cage while covered from head to toe in leather a time or two in his life. Yeah, Ricky is The Gimp. No doubt about it.
