As a Twitteraholic, I pay attention to Twitter’s trending topics. When I looked at today’s trending topics, I was shocked to see three words: “Bryce Dallas Howard.” You mean the actress who’s shockingly hot considering that she hails from the same family fugly tree as Clint and Ron Howard? Yes, that one (I think John McCain’s gonna sue). I ran a Google News search on her and quickly figured out why she was trending so highly. She’s replacing Rachelle Lefevre, whoever the f*** that is, in Eclipse, the third Twilight movie. Damn, I thought. That retarded series got another “name” to help it roll on.
Then I had an epiphany. Wait a minute, this is Bryce Dallas Howard, the Franchise Killer. She’s the Terrell Owens of Hollywood.Yes! I said to myself as I did a Kirk Gibson fist pump or twelve. At that moment, I knew the Twilight series was every bit as doomed as the Buffalo Bills are.
Don’t believe me? Fine, just check the similarities…
Both Howard and Owens entered the scene as role players for big-time franchises — M. Night Shyamalan’s silver-screen series and the San Francisco 49ers. Both Howard and Owens had huge shadows to emerge from. Howard was the daughter of child star turned director Ron Howard, while T.O. lined up across from the greatest receiver who ever lived, Jerry Rice (sorry, Bill Bellamy). Things did not work out well. Both made a name from themselves and emerged from the enormous shadows cast over them, but they wrecked the 49ers and Shyamalan franchises in the process. The Lady in the Water and the Man in the Suit didn’t help, but I blame Howard and Owens.
Howard and Owens would move on to join begger, better franchises. In fact, these franchises were at the top of their respective industries. Prior to their arrivals, the Philadelphia Eagles were perennial NFC Conference Championship participants, while the Spider-Man series demolished box office records with each outing. Sure, the Eagles made the Super Bowl with Owens (even though he was out for the entire playoffs up until the Big Game). Sure, Spider-Man 3 crushed box office records. But neither franchise has been the same since. The Eagles may have finally returned to the NFC Championship last year, but they haven’t been a true Super Bowl contender ever since T.O. took off. Spider-man 3 received terrible reviews, reviews which could cripple Spider-Man 4 before the first scene is even shot. Once again, this pair of franchise killers nearly killed off two juggernaut franchises.
Howard and Owens would manage to move on to two new, equally famous franchises. Howard would join the Terminator franchise, playing Christian Bale’s wife in Terminator: Salvation. Owens would join America’s Team — the Dallas Cowboys. Both of these short-term marriages turned out to be disasters. Terminator: Salvation will be remembered for Bale’s on-set breakdown along with its box office chokejob. T.O.’s Cowboy years will be remembered for his “that’s my quarterback” breakdown along with the Cowboys’ postseason and pre-postseason chokejobs. At this point, it’s hard to argue against the theory that both Howard and Owens are colossal jinxes.
Despite their unparalleled track records of franchise killing, the deadly duo once again managed to somehow land with two more storied franchises. Howard would join author Stephenie Meyer’s seemingly unstoppable Twilight series, while Owens would join Ralph Wilson’s beloved Buffalo Bills. In the next week or so, both will step onto the field for their new franchises, and do so when it counts. Bills Training camp is right around the corner, while Eclipse starts filming in early August. Summit Entertainment, Wilson Family, you better go in another direction, because I think we all know how things are going to end up if you don’t. These two franchise killers are both 3-for-3, and neither one appears to be slowing down. Then again, I’m a Chiefs-loving Twilight hater. On second thought, stick with your guns here. Things will be different this time. I can feel it.
(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind Fan Addict. Follow him on Twitter.)