Raise your glasses!
In honor of the NFL season and as an excuse to be drunk at 10am on Sundays, I’d like to propose a toast.
For every NFL team, a beer and for every beer, an NFL team.
Cheers!
Arizona Cardinals – Keystone Ice
A beer that will never win anything for a franchise that will never win anything.
Atlanta Falcons – Heineken
Heineken is extremely popular despite failing to deliver on taste. Matt Ryan is popular despite having yet to deliver in the playoffs.
Baltimore Ravens – Fat Tire
A beer with bold in-your-face flavor for a team with a bold in-your-face defense.
Buffalo Bills – Bud Light
The Bills are the blandest team in the NFL. Like Bud Light, they are neither good nor bad.
Carolina Panthers – Blue Moon
It was trendy to drink Blue Moon about three months ago. It was also trendy to pick the Carolina Panthers about three months ago.
Chicago Bears – Steele Reserve 211
A strong malt liquor is exactly what Bear fans need to counter balance the weak psyche of Jay Cutler.
Cincinnati Bengals – Tecate
A cheap Mexican beer for a pseudo Spanish speaking wide receiver.
Cleveland Browns – O’Doul’s
Browns fans are cut off. It’s time to sober up.
Dallas Cowboys – Bud Light Lime
An overexposed beer that isn’t worth the bottle it’s sold in for an over hyped team that isn’t worth the stadium it plays in.
Denver Broncos – Coors
Coors is the best selling beer with the least flavor. Denver is the worst undefeated team with the least talent.
Detroit Lions – Molson
Since GM no longer makes cars in America, it is only natural that Motor City gets drunk on Sundays off a Canadian beer.
Green Bay Packers – Milwaukee’s Best
If we’re to believe that the Packers are Super Bowl contenders then are we also supposed to believe that this is the best beer in Milwaukee?
Houston Texas – Pabst Blue Ribbon
No matter how drunk you are, PBR always tastes like crap. No matter how good you think the Texans are going to be, they always crap out.
Indianapolis Colts – Corona
The Colts are always the clichéd Super Bowl pick. Corona is always the clichéd beer of Super Bowl parties.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Red Stripe
The Jamaican lager was a trendy beer just a couple years ago. The Jaguars were a trendy pick just a couple years ago too.
Kansas City Chiefs – Bud Ice
The second worst beer brewed in the great state of Missouri for the second worst football team in the state.
Miami Dolphins – Land Shark Lager
The Dolphins are the only reason Land Shark is a relevant beer. The ’72 Dolphins are the only reason why Miami is a relevant franchise.
Minnesota Vikings – Dos Equis
Dos Equis features the most interesting man in the world. The Vikings feature the most interesting man in football.
New England Patriots – Samuel Adams
Sammy went from local microbrew in the 80’s to American beer giant in the 90’s while the Pats went from Steve Grogan hell to Tom Brady heaven in about the same span.
New Orleans Saints – Blackened Voodoo
A great beer that is hard to find for a great offense that has had a hard time finding its way to the Super Bowl.
New York Giants – Chimay
Chimay compensates for its high price with great flavor and high alcohol content. Giant fans hope Eli Manning compensates for his high price with clutch moments and another Lombardi.
New York Jets – Amstel Light
A tasty light beer is advised for Jet fans. No need to get too drunk on the Kool-Aid only three games into the Mark Sanchez era.
Oakland Raiders – Foster’s
Foster’s is Australian for bad beer. The Raiders are American for bad football.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Budweiser
There are better teams than the Steelers, there are better beers than Budweiser. None the less, the Steelers are 6 Lombardis deep in NFL domination and Budweiser is 7 continents deep in beer sales domination.
Philadelphia Eagles – Stella Artois
Stella is reliable for flavor yet too trendy to have any real street cred. The Eagles are reliable to be contenders yet are too trendy to actually deliver in big games.
San Diego Chargers – Arrogant Bastard
A local San Diego microbrew whose name best represents the attitude of Charger QB Philip Rivers.
San Francisco 49ers – Lowenbrau
Lowenbrau hasn’t been popular since the late 80’s which is about the last time the 9ers had a team worth watching.
Seattle Seahawks – Hoegaarden
A tasty beer with a bitter finish for a good team that seems to leave a bitter taste in the mouth of their fans every year.
St. Louis – Natural Ice
The worst beer brewed in the state of Missouri for the worst football team in the state.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Mississippi Mud
Any beer sold by the quart is recommended for Bucs fans this year.
Tennessee Titans – Miller High Life
As far as cheap beers go, High Life has a good but not great taste. As far as NFL franchises go, the Titans always field a good team that falls short of greatness.
Washington Redskins – Foggy Bottom
A little known DC area microbrew whose name best sums up the Redskins chances in the NFC East this season.
(Chris Shellcroft is the lead blogger for Just Blog Baby, occasional contributor on Lake Show Life and all around righteous dude. You can follow him on Twitter.)
