1. NASA Bombing the Moon. Tomorrow, NASA will hit the moon with a pair of projectiles in hopes the impacts will expose subsurface water. This sounds like a daffy plan, but, it is incredibly important scientifically. If there is water on the moon, it could be used by future moon-based missions to create rocket fuel. Also, imagine how awesome a slip-and-slide would be in low-gravity.
Of course NASA is taking some heat for this plan. Republicans have insisted that the moon bombing mission is nothing but an attempt by the Obama administration to distract the American public from its failures. And Glenn Beck openly wonders what mayhem might ensue if the impacts break off a giant hunk of green cheese that then melts and splatters all over the earth.
2. Michael Jordan Cigar Controversy. The great Michael Jordan has been told by a golf course in San Francisco that he is not allowed to smoke cigars while playing there. Those people are lucky Michael already gave his blistering Hall-of-Fame speech, otherwise they would’ve found themselves on the wrong end of an amusing if mildly pathetic and probably inappropriate rant.
Michael plans on treating the cigar ban the same way he treats the law against gambling: like it is silly and doesn’t apply to him.
3. The Silverdome is For Sale. An auction house is now accepting bids for the Pontiac Silverdome, the former home of the Detroit Lions. Yes lucky real estate investor, for just a few million dollars, you can own the building where Eric Hipple used to shower.
If you happen to find Jimmy Hoffa’s body anywhere on the property, please contact your nearest FBI office. (Bill Curtis fans know Hoffa was last seen in Michigan in 1975 – the same year the Silverdome was opened.)
4. Dr. Phil – Mad Boob-Toucher? A former patient has filed a lawsuit against Dr. Phil, claiming the TV shrink once held her captive, brainwashed her and played with her boob. The complainant, 56-year-old Shirley Rae Dieu, also accuses Dr. Phil of locking her in a room with a naked man against her will. Either Dr. Phil is a gigantic perv or this woman has some bizarre repressed memories of Tijuana struggling to get out.
5. It’s Hammer Time Again. Michael Crabtree has ended his hold-out and signed with the San Francisco 49ers (too late to help them not get their hearts torn out by Brett Favre). According to reports, former rap superstar and long-time late night monologue punchline MC Hammer inserted himself into the negotiations in the final stages and…well, no one’s quite sure what Hammer’s role was. But he’ll probably end up getting some percentage of Crabtree’s earnings, which he will spend on solid gold bathroom fixtures that get repossessed almost as soon as they are installed.
6. ESPN’s the Magazine’s “The Body” Issue. Naked pictures of Serena Williams, Carl Edwards, a sumo wrestler and a Motocross driver named “Scummy” Morrison. The SI Swimsuit Issue is not exactly shaking in its boots (leaked pictures of Hilary Rhoda from a shoot for next year’s edition anyone?).
7. Chip Caray’s Fist Fetish. TBS baseball announcer Chip Caray became the center of a tweeting/blogging storm the last couple days, all because of his penchant for using the word “fisted” to describe balls hit off the handle. The tweeters/bloggers seemed to suggest there was some weird sexual connotation to the word, and that Chip might have other things on his mind than baseball when he used it. It needs to be pointed out that Chip also uses the word “spanked” to describe linedrives and “belted” for home runs. Okay, maybe the tweeters/bloggers have a point.
(Wow, there’s even a twitter page called “fistinchipcaray” devoted to tweets about everyone’s favorite closeted homosexual baseball announcer. Crazy.)
8. Shannon Brown Dunks on Mikki Moore. It’s NBA preseason and players I never heard of are dunking on each other. Doesn’t anyone finger-roll anymore?
9. Rush Limbaugh Wants to Buy the Rams. Not content with merely controlling the minds of millions of radio-listening zombies, Rush Limbaugh has now set his sights on becoming part-owner of the Rams. And you thought Jerry Jones was the biggest dickbag owner the NFL would ever have. Well, okay, Al Davis.
10. Khloe Kardashian Better Mind Her Mouth. A new study shows that too much candy consumption in childhood can lead to more violence as an adult. How long has Lamar Odom had his candy addiction?
Quick Hits: Iowa Hawkeye Fan Accused of Stalking Player; Models In Painted Sports Jerseys; Ernie Johnson/David Wells Awkwardness; Derek Jeter is a Legend
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.