1. Barack Obama Wins the Nobel Peace Prize. He became president by campaigning as the guy who was least like George Bush. Every time he gives a speech he goes out of his way to remind us that he’s not George Bush. Now he has won a Nobel Prize for not being George Bush.
Obama should give half the prize money to George Bush.
2. Tracy Morgan is on Twitter. Yesterday, Miley Cyrus rocked the Twitter world by announcing she was deleting her account. The loss of Miley was quickly balanced off, however, when 30 Rock star and occasional felon Tracy Morgan began tweeting. About his penis.
The cosmos is a great circle.
3. Matt Holliday Loses Game 2 for the Cardinals. St. Louis was all ready to even up the series with the Dodgers when Matt Holliday opened the door to bitter defeat by forgetting the fundamental baseball rule about not using your stomach to catch a flyball. Now it’s 2-0 Dodgers. And Mr. Holliday isn’t getting a whole lot of sympathy.
No one took the loss harder than the Cardinals’ mascot Fredbird.
Holliday might’ve made the play were his abdomen shaped more like Casey Hampton’s. Of course then there would’ve been the whole problem of getting the ball back from the parallel dimension at the bottom of the bellybutton.
4. Golf and Rugby Added to the Olympics. Historically, the Olympic Games have been sorely lacking in pleated pants, toothless Australians and mostly naked Brazilian women. That will be remedied in 2016 in Rio de Janeiro.
5. Cole Hamels’ Baby Call. What kind of man leaves a playoff game to be with his wife while she’s giving birth? The kind who is already down 4-0 in the 5th.
Bob Feller heard about this and got even crankier. Yes Bob, ball players were real men in your day. You didn’t even know your first child existed until it was ready for high school.
6. David Hasselhoff is Drunk Again. The UK tabloids took a break from buzzing about new It-couple Russell Brand and Katy Perry to report that David Hasselhoff had been thrown in a hospital rehab unit after getting incredibly drunk and punching a doctor. Dirk Nowitzki flew to London to be by his side. Everything is okay now.
7. The UFL Debuted Last Night. The Las Vegas Locomotives defeated the California Redwoods 30-17 in front of 14,209 fans.
Of those 14,209 fans, 14,203 were people who had staggered into the stadium by accident after spending three days downing vodka tonics and losing all their money at blackjack. They had a system, damn it!
8. Couples Retreat. Vince Vaughn has a new movie out this weekend. It’s about a guy who doesn’t bother learning his lines because he thinks he can riff his way through the entire movie despite not being very clever. This guy goes to a beach resort, or something, with his buddies and their wives who are way too hot for them. There are bikinis. Rotten Tomatoes has the movie at 9% right now, which is high for a Vince Vaughn flick.
9. Marge Simpson in Playboy. Bart’s mom will appear in the November Playboy, posing in “cartoon lingerie.” The rare cultural icon double shark-jump.
10. Moon Bomb. This is NASA’s idea of a “moon bomb.”
That’s not a bomb. This is a bomb.
More Links:
The Red Sox Are Down 1-0. No Sweat.
The Blackhawks and Red Wings Open The Regular Season.
Conan O’Brien’s Band Would Rather Watch Tigers-Twins Than Be Conan O’Brien’s Band.
Sam Bradford Will Return on Saturday vs. Baylor.
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
