The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. NFL Week 5. The Colts still haven’t lost. Ditto the Vikings. Oh, and the Broncos, who may have won the Super Bowl judging by Josh McDaniels‘ reaction. And, yes, the Giants are 5-0 even though Eli Manning is hurt and Plaxico Burress is busy learning to keep his head on a swivel when he showers. On the flipside you have the Chiefs, Rams, Titans and Buccaneers, all slurping the sour milk of suckage at 0-5.
One team did manage to break through with their first win of the season: the Browns (despite Derek Anderson going 2-of-17 for 23 yards; Derek definitely needs to suck less). Of course it helped that they played the Bills, who are dismal. Dick Jauron is still employed as of this writing, but that could change at any moment.
With the Browns stinking like Nick Nolte’s underwear drawer, Ohio belongs entirely to the Bengals, who are 4-1 after defeating the Ravens, and would’ve been 5-0 but for God making that ball bounce to Brandon Stokley. Sadly, Ochocinco was unable to score a touchdown, depriving us of a chance to witness his Ricky Bobby touchdown celebration. Wait…that’s sad?
2. This is It. Michael Jackson accomplishes something in death that he couldn’t manage in life: releasing a new song. All Jackson needed to rehab his image was a little Propofol overdose and a few shots of his kids crying at the funeral. Roman Polanski should try it.
3. Yankee Wives Hate Kate Hudson. The Yankees have told their players’ wives to stop ripping A-Rod’s girlfriend Kate Hudson in public. Who would’ve guessed that the wives of baseball players would all be spoiled, resentful, sniping bitches? Don’t worry though girls: They can stop you from talking to Page Six, but they can’t do anything about what you say when you’re in the restroom “powdering your noses.” The stall is still sacred.
4. About That Mayan Prophecy Saying the World Will End in 2012… The idea may spell a big payday for Roland Emmerich and John Cusack, but according to actual honest-to-goodness Mayan elders, the whole thing is a bunch of made-up bullshit. Well, what do Mayan elders know about Mayan prophecies? If the Discovery Channel says the world is going to end in 2012, then the world is going to end in 2012.
That aircraft carrier hitting the White House shot looks so fricking cool.
5. Sweeps Strike Baseball. Cardinals and Cubs fans have finally found common ground: Knowing how bad it sucks to be swept by the Dodgers in the first round. Those plucky Twins were also eliminated in 3, by the Evil Empire. And then there were the Red Sox, who had a chance to stave off elimination, only to see Jonathan Papelbon choke like a Riverdancer with a pretzel stuck in his throat. Yankee fans were delighted.
6. Let’s Play “Who’s the Bigger Dumb-Ass?”:
Nominee #1: Dre Bly, for showboating and fumbling:
Nominee #2: Owen Schmitt, for using his head as a helmet-softener.
7. I Didn’t Know Breasts Dispensed Cheez Whiz. A 4-month-old baby in Colorado has been denied coverage by a health insurer on the grounds that, at 17 pounds, it is too fat and therefore a bad risk. See, this is why we need the public option. It’s also why we need Baby Jazzercize.
8. Want a Tiny Robot Spider in Your Colon? Italian doctors will soon be able to explore the disgusting inner-reaches of the human colon via tiny remote-controlled robots with cameras and spider legs. Does this spell the end for microscopic Raquel Welch and her groovy submarine?
9. Rich Dudes and Their Crazy Golf-Carts. Or, Why They Hate Us, Part 3543.
10. Christina Hendricks Got Married. Let’s hope the minister was able to maintain his eye discipline.
More Links:
Sylvester Stallone is Huge in Japan (or is it Just an Optical Illusion Caused by the Japanese All Being so Tiny)
Boston is Fraud City (Harsh, But Probably Accurate)
The Immaculate Interception (Better Than the Inarticulate Intervention)
What Are Camera Guys Doing During Halftime (Probably the Same as Me: Taking a Leak and Playing Some Contra)
Who Were the Best and Worst Cubs and White Sox in 2009? (No, Not Another Bash Milton Bradley Post)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
