Miles Austin? Cedric Benson? Kyle Orton? What the hell kind of bizarro world have I entered when these are the studs in week 5 of the fantasy football season? Toss logic aside. Rip up the preseason rankings. It’s cats and dogs living together — mass hysteria!
Maybe Seinfeld can help explain this curious case:
Up is down. Hello is goodbye. Hmm. I’m beginning to understand.
Week 5 Ninjas
Wasn’t this guy responsible for creating Terminators? Miles Dyson Austin destroyed the Cowboys record book by catching ten balls for 250 yards and a pair of scores. Does anyone think Roy Williams would have done that had he played? Get your waiver wire bids in early, folks. I’m sure Miles will come nowhere close to living up to the hype.
No relation to Terry – Ahmad Bradshaw, who rarely practices during the week, was the latest runner to humiliate the Raiders poor excuse for a defense. 165 total yards and two touchdowns on twelve touches. My brother ignored my advice and sat Bradshaw for Chris Wells. He tried to rationalize his thought process, but I was too busy laughing to hear.
It’s about fu**in’ time! – The Falcons seem to have used their bye week to open up the offense, which is good news if you own Roddy White or Michael Turner. White caught eight for 210 and two, and the Burner racked 97 yards and a trio of trips for six. Unfortunately, I own White and still lost in one league because the rest of my roster is packed with cripples and losers. I suck.
Seattle Slew
What in blue blazes got into the Seahawks offense on Sunday? I guess they really missed Matty Hasselbeck. The broken ribbed signal caller tossed four touchdowns to T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Nate Burleson. Even fossilized Edgerrin James looked decent. The Hawks are an enigma. Killer one week, pathetic the next. They are perfect for the bizarro world.
Oh, Those Rookies!
A couple fresh-faced punks made their superiors feel pretty good on Sunday. Jeremy Maclin snagged six Donny Mac bullets for 142 yards and two sixers. Meanwhile, Austin Collie drew the long straw for Indy and had the pleasure of catching 8/97/2 from Peyton. Who the eff do these cocky kids think they are?
Week 5 Dandies
Big men can’t run – 100 carries for 355 yards and one measly touchdown. Those are the less than excitable stats from one Brandon Jacobs. Has this behemoth back hit the wall at age 27? All 265 pounds of him are ruining one of my imaginary teams. If he can’t get the job done against the Raiders, Chiefs and Bucs, what’s he going to do against good teams? He needs to get his fat rear into the end zone.
When do I play Houston again? – Chris Johnson was out-rushed by Justin Forsett, Shaun Hill, Josh Johnson, Trent Edwards, Daunte Culpepper and Michael Bush. Even teammate LenDale White bested him by 17 yards. He’s been held without a touchdown in four of five games. Not exactly a “Coach’s Dream,” now is it?
That’s more like it – David Garrard teased many an owner last week when he shredded the Titans. Odds dictated he should do well against an equally suspect Seahawks’ defense. Oops. 188 yards, zero touchdowns and two fumbles is more Garrard-like. Of course it didn’t help that Mike Sims-Walker was a naughty, naughty boy and got himself suspended prior to kickoff.
Resurrection City
I was under the impression Cincinnati was the place where first-round busts go to die. Not for Cedric Benson. After his 120 yard, one touchdown outing on Sunday, he is now the NFL’s leading rusher. Let me repeat, Cedric Benson is the NFL’s leading rusher. This stinks. I miss the old Cedric. You know, the two-yards and a cloud of dust Cedric. The unmotivated, always injured waste of space Cedric. The drive a boat drunk and resist arrest Cedric. Where did that guy go?
They Shoot Browns Quarterbacks, Don’t They?
Just when I thought I’d seen it all, Derek Anderson scripted a brand new chapter in signal caller futility. Not since the days of Billy Joe Hobert and Babe Laufenberg have I witnessed such putrid play from the man under center. It reminded me of the first time I watched “Two Girls, One Cup.” Disgusting, highly disturbing, although ultimately laugh out loud hilarious. 2/17 for 23 yards and a pick is like pissing in a pool of your own sick. Anderson should be stuffed into an iron maiden.
Beard of the Week – Brad Childress
Brad Childress is sportin’ a ridiculously wild man mane. Look at that thing! I’m not sure what he’s goin’ for here. My best guess is he grew it as a gesture of solidarity to help woo Brett Favre away from the lawnmower. Either that or he has gone completely insane, because that facial abomination is a mental patient beard if I ever saw one.
Hair Band of the Week: Winger
Formed in 1987, Winger’s first two albums went platinum. During the late ’80s, they were an MTV staple and toured the world with the likes of KISS, Poison and ZZ Top. After breaking up in 1994, the band reunited in 2001 and again in 2006. Despite being the target of ridicule from critics, Metallica and Beavis and Butt-head, Winger continues to rock out with their cocks out. In fact, you can pick up their latest album, Karma, on Friday. Here’s their signature hit, which sees nothing wrong with statutory rape.
Week 5 is finished. One of my teams is nearing corpse status. The other is still above water, but I’m losing confidence. I hope your fake franchises are faring better than mine. Time to get drunk.
(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)
