The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Mike Tyson on Oprah. The ear-chomping former heavyweight champ went on Oprah, completing his transformation from toughest man in the world to blubbering bitch.  Yeah, I said it.  What you gonna do Mike, punch me?  You have to catch me first.  And let’s face it, you ain’t exactly fit as a marathon runner these days.  Between that giant gut and asthmatic wheeze, you’d be lucky to catch a quadruple amputee rolling uphill.  Ain’t internet taunting fun?

Seriously though, that was a very hard-hitting, fascinating interview.  It makes me wish there were a whole full-length documentary about Tyson where he just sits there confessing one thing after another and sometimes reading Oscar Wilde poems over lyrical images of him walking on the beach.  That would be cool.

2.  Anthony Kim Can Drink Till 4 AM and Still Whup Robert Allenby’s Butt. Anthony Kim may be the next Tiger Woods, but according to vanquished Presidents Cup opponent Robert Allenby, Kim’s health regimen is anything but Tiger-like.  Unless Tiger’s regimen includes staying up till the wee hours of the morning boozing like Dylan Thomas.

3.  Someone Stole a Statue of Thurman Thomas. A chainsaw carving of the former Buffalo Bills great went missing just a day after being unveiled.  Suicide Drills offers up five potential suspects.

The statue is made of pine and weighs 1,000 pounds – I’d be on the look-out for a beaver with a stomach ache.

4.  Maybe He Should Try That Against Roger Federer.  Sam Branson, the son of Virgin Airlines wanker Richard Branson, bet right-handed Andy Roddick $150 dollars that Roddick couldn’t beat him at tennis playing lefty.  Roddick promptly thrashed the younger Branson 6-0.  Branson got the last laugh by luring Andy over a trapdoor and dropping him into a tank of hungry sharks.

5.  Hayden Panettiere Makes Out With a Fugly Lesbian on Heroes. When I heard that Heroes was going with a lesbian storyline to drum up ratings, I thought about Roseanne Barr kissing Mariel Hemingway and realized that my personal storehouse of groundbreaking lesbian TV moments was woefully empty.  Maybe because there hasn’t been a groundbreaking lesbian TV moment since Roseanne sucked face with Mariel Hemingway?  Unless there was one on Grey’s Anatomy that I missed because Grey’s Anatomy sucks.

Still waiting for Betty Draper to get it on with Francine.  That would be a very, very special episode.

6.  Paul Anka Co-Wrote New Michael Jackson Song. So it turns out that new Michael Jackson song, This is It?, was actually co-written by Paul Anka back in the early ’80s and, according to the still-living Mr. Anka, literally stolen.  Rather than engage in the usual record company sliminess, the people responsible for the ghoulish perpetuation of the late Mr. Jackson’s career acknowledged Anka’s claim and promised him a 50% cut of the song.  That money should keep Paul in Viagra and elevator shoes for years to come.

7. Michael Bay to Kill Off Megan Fox? It’s no secret that everyone involved in the Transformers movies hates self-involved no-talent Megan Fox.  Despite this, Michael Bay has promised to bring Megan back for the third installment in the soul-destroying franchise.  Some believe Bay is only doing this so he can murder Megan’s character in an act of fantasy revenge.  Watching Megan die might be fun, but it’s still not worth having to sit in a theater full of Axe-reeking mouth-breathers with their hands in their pants.

8. Fiends Party on in Spite of Corpse. 50-year-old Sindi Lee Baker took a little too much heroin and died.  She lay on the floor of her Detroit-area bungalow bedroom for a whole day before her sister and a friend decided she wasn’t just passed-out.  The loving sis covered Sindi Lee with a blanket, plopped a rose and a cross on her chest and, being a pathetic drug addict herself, went on partying for another whole day.   I’m sure Sindi Lee would’ve wanted it that way.

9. Rasheed Wallace Has High Expectations. Or Maybe He’s Just High. The new Celtics forward thinks his team can surpass the Chicago Bulls‘ record of 72 wins, set in 1996.  And for his next insane stunt, Rasheed will stay up for three days uStreaming and eating Vaseline.

10. Garry Shandling Has Really Messed Up His Face.  He used to be the funniest thing on TV (I’m told; I never actually watched The Larry Sanders Show).  Now he’s just another old Hollywood white guy with a suspiciously taut face.  All Garry needs now is a gay little dog, a few tats and a role as a washed-up wrestler.

More Links:

Kevin Johnson Robbed in San Francisco (Charles Barkley is going to find the guy and wheeze on him.)

10 Other People Tom Cable Should Punch (Be careful – Al Davis still has a mean left-hook.  He learned it from John L. Sullivan himself.)

Obama for the Heisman (You thought Notre Dame hated him before…)

Terrible Homemade Brett Favre Jersey (Or, the limits of masking tape as a creative tool.)

Bob Frantz Trashes Cleveland (Who is Bob Frantz and what did Cleveland ever do to him?)

The Denver Broncos Are Having a Crazy Season (They should trade for T.O. and see what real crazy is.)

10 Darkest Moments in Chicago Sports History (“Trading Kyle Orton for Jay Cutler” might make the 2010 version of this list.)

25 Misters from Pop Culture (They forgot Mr. Sparkle and Mr. Furley)

Owen Schmitt Has Hit Himself in the Head With His Helmet Before (Who is surprised by this?)

Dexter Fowler Hurdles Chase Utley (Chase should enter the decathlon – as an obstacle.)

Chase Utley’s Pit Stains (Still sexy.)

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.