The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Maria Shriver Breaks California’s Cell Phone Law. In America’s biggest and most effed-up state, it is illegal to drive around in your car talking on your cell phone. Someone forgot to pass this information along to governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife Maria Shriver, who has been outed by TMZ as a dangerously distracted motorist. In a tweet at TMZ editor Harvey Levin, Schwarzenegger promised “swift action” in response to his wife’s “violations.” Sounds like the set-up for some super-kinky role play.
2. Michael Jackson’s Burnt Hair for Sale. Some enterprising soul saved a few strands of hair burned off Michael Jackson’s head during that infamous Pepsi shoot from 1984. Now, for the right price, you can own these singed pieces of pop music history. Or you can retain your last shred of humanity.
3. Captain Lou Albano is Dead. Don’t be alarmed if you should hear weeping coming from the back of your junk drawer…that’s just your rubber bands expressing their infinite sorrow. Either that or you need stronger medication.
4. Or Maybe it’s Gremlins. Geeks have come up with a novel theory for why the the famed Large Hadron Collider isn’t working: someone or something has come back from the future to sabotage it. Damn you Biff and your flyin’ DeLorean! Why can’t you just content yourself with using the Sports Almanac to create a massive criminal empire?
5. Michelle Obama Doll. Jailbreak Toys has introduced an action figure of first lady Michelle Obama, complete with tastefully sexy outfits and trendy hair. Yes, there’s a Barack Obama action figure too. It’s not much of an “action” figure though…it mostly just stands there and lets the Glenn Beck doll kick the shit out of it.
6. Annoying or Awesome? “Press Hop,” starring an array of over-emotional athletes and coaches. For pure entertainment value, it’s hard to top Terrell Owens fake-crying.
7. January Jones in GQ. The Mad Men star says her old boyfriend Ashton Kutcher tried to talk her out of acting. She also confesses to having drunk 26 beers in one go in high school. And if those stories don’t grab you, you can always look at the pictures.
8. Brady Quinn on the Block? The Cleveland Browns quarterback has put his house up for sale. Either he’s planning on being traded or he has a terrible dry rot problem.
Question: If you were were an NFL GM, how much would you give up for a quarterback who got benched in favor of a guy who just went 2-17 in a game? Keeping in mind that 23rd round draft picks do not exist.
9. Bob Dylan’s Christmas Album. An old froggy-voiced Jew sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” and “O Little Town of Bethlehem.” In retaliation, Christians are sending Toby Keith in to record a collection of Hanukkah songs. “I Have a Little Dreidel,” prepare to take a boot in the ass.
10. Where the Wild Things Are. Spike Jonze has turned the beloved Maurice Sendak book into a movie. “Film adaptation of classic children’s book” is usually a terrifying phrase, but then again, this one doesn’t have Jim Carrey or Mike Myers, so maybe it’s okay (Rotten Tomatoes has it at 74%).
More Links:
Browns Fans Play the “What If” Game (Better than the Browns play football, hopefully)
Praise for Joe Posnanski, Whoever That is
Evidently, the Women in Sports Awards Featured Some Hotties
On Dustin Byfuglien’s Fashion Sense
10 Coaches for The Ultimate Fighter
Deer Attacks Boy (Michael Jackson reincarnated already? The cosmos works fast.)
End of the Season Detroit Tigers Paper Plate Awards
There’s Always Next Year: Boston Red Sox Edition
LeBron James Rejects Josh Childress Like Josh Childress Rejected America
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
