The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Limbaugh Dumped. A group seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams has dropped Rush Limbaugh in response to the hurricane of controversy surrounding the popular right-wing radio talk show host and his racist comments. Limbaugh immediately blamed the vast left-wing conspiracy for ruining his chance to become an NFL owner. No, I did not make that up; he actually said that. Democrats may not be united in how to deal with health care, but they are definitely together on keeping Rush from owning the Rams. It must be socialism. Or indoctrination. Or some other bad thing summed up by an evil-sounding, incorrectly-applied word.
2. Bill Murray on Ghostbusters 3. “I’ll believe it when I see it. I saw a guy talking about the end of the world a couple years ago, and I still haven’t seen that either — so I’m not going to believe the Ghostbusters story until I see it.”
Screw Ghostbusters 3. When are we gonna get Quick Change 2? Geena Davis ain’t getting any younger.
3. Meghan McCain Photo Backlash. The six people who were titillated by Meghan McCain posting a twitpic of her boobs popping out of her tank top will be devastated to learn that Meghan is contemplating deleting her Twitter account in the wake of the backlash over said photo. Yes Meghan, when you make your breasts the center of attention, people will call you a “slut” and other names. If you don’t believe me, just pick up a copy of Audrina Partridge’s book, The Downside to Being a Large-Breasted Fame-Whore. The Foreward by Katie Price is alone worth the $4.99, if you can dig down to the bottom of the bargain bin and find it.
4. Lottery Hoax Goes Terribly Wrong. A woman rolls up to a Columbus, Ohio coat store in a limo and announces she just won the lottery and wants to buy everyone new coats. Excited shoppers grab stuff off the shelves and run to the checkout lanes, and some call their friends to come down and partake of the largesse. Unfortunately, it turns out the woman is lying about the lottery thing and doesn’t have the dough to pay for the stuff.
Keeping in mind that this is America, a “civilized” country, how do you think the story ends?
A. Everyone is disappointed, but in a neat and orderly fashion, they return their coats to the racks, and afterward have a good laugh about their experience.
B. The screwed-over shoppers become an angry mob and ransack the coat store.
If you chose A, you are probably old, and remember a bygone America from before people turned into crazed consumer zombies. If you chose B, you get a free coat.
5. It’s LCS Time. Dodgers vs. Phillies begins Thursday night on TBS. In the American League, it’s the Yankees vs. the Angels.
In sad loser land, the Cubs will be squaring off against the Mets, while the Indians take on the White Sox. Could another All-Chicago World Loser Series be in the offing?
6. Avril Lavigne Marriage Kaput. The rat-faced, largely-forgotten pop princess has filed for divorce from her husband. The first person who can tell me the name of Avril Lavigne’s soon-to-be-ex-hubby wins my eternal scorn.
7. LeBron James Corn Maze. Why feed the hungry when you can mow the corn into a pattern that sort of looks like LeBron James dunking?
8. Today in Stuff We Probably Shouldn’t Be Doing. Scientists have invented an electromagnetic device that sucks in light like a black hole. The breakthrough could bring about a revolution in solar energy harvesting. Or it could fall into Mr. Burns‘ hands, leading to a dastardly scheme that makes the sun-blotting plot look like child’s play.
9. People Think Michael Vick Should be Traded to the Raiders. Well, it makes sense: The Raiders have a terrible quarterback; the Eagles aren’t using Vick for anything; Al Davis likes miscreants and sociopaths. It sounds like a match made in half-witted internet speculator heaven.
10. Random Oldish Music Video. Because filling out the Top 10 isn’t always easy. And I never get sick of Elisha Cuthbert acting all drunk and nasty.
More Links:
ESPN’s Headline Writers Will Take “The Rapists” for $100
Jay Cutler’s Bye Week in Soundbites (Cause he’s so interesting to listen to?)
Devin Hester 2006 – Before the Sucking
Jew-Jitsu (Pretty sure this is offensive)
James Harrison, AFC Defensive Player of the Week
Lunatic Club: The Biggest Nutjobs in Sports
Did I Just Hear the Cubs’ Window Shut? (Do you have device that can listen to 1908?)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
