The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from the Balloon Boy Drama:
1. Nothing kills a Thursday afternoon like watching helicopter footage of what you think is a 6-year-old about to plummet to his death inside an experimental helium balloon.
2. Rick Sanchez is an asshole.
3. If an experimental helium balloon crashes in your field, your first response should be to whack it with a shovel.
4. There is nothing more disturbing than little kids rapping.
5. Hoaxes work better when you don’t involve your overly-honest 6-year-old children.
6. The Fort Collins Police Department is filled with body language experts.
7. I’m glad I never watched Wife Swap.
8. Wolf Blitzer is an asshole.
9. Potential tragedy goes down a lot easier with snarky Twitter commentary.
10. Child exploitation is the American way.
2. Paranormal Activity. Unknowns make horror film for a few grand, receive studio backing, generate interest via unorthodox internet marketing campaign, release film to acclaim, rake in the riches, are never heard from again. Oh wait, that’s The Blair Witch Project. The Paranormal Activity folks are only up to “release film to acclaim.” Got ahead of myself there.
3. Smallest Man in the World. Nepal’s Khagendra Thapa Magar weighs just 10 pounds and stands a mere 22-inches tall. The good news for Khagendra is that he just turned 18, officially qualifying him as the smallest man in the world. Adam Schefter will hand over the title in a ceremony some time next week.
4. Disney Not Amused by Ho White and the Seven Dwarfs Ad. An advertisement for Jamieson’s Raspberry Ale features a Megan Fox-looking Snow White smoking a cigarette in bed with the 7 dwarfs, having apparently just satisfied their dwarfy lusts. Disney, in typical corporate jag-off fashion, has pressured the company to cease tramping up Snow White just to sell some crappy beer. That’s too bad: I was really looking forward to their next campaign, The Tramp and the Tramp.
5. One Step Closer to Total Recall. Scientists have used a laser to implant false memories in the brains of fruit flies. Somewhere there’s a fruit fly that thinks it’s a secret agent sent to Mars to stop the evil Cohaagen from killing the mutant mine workers and their resistance leader, the enigmatic Kuato. When will these wacky scientists stop with their bizarre schemes for making silly ’80s sci-fi movies come to life?
6. Dancing Obama. Something about fiddling while Rome burns…
7. Randy Hanson Will Do Anything to Prove He Isn’t Lying. The Raiders assistant coach really, really wants us to believe Tom Cable punched him and broke his jaw, and didn’t merely push him over. He now says he is willing to take a lie detector test and a drug test, and will pay for Cable to be given the same. Idea: Instead of playing their game this weekend, why don’t the Raiders just hold a lie detector showdown? They could have Michael Buffer do the intros, let the Raiderettes dance around a bit, maybe have JaMarcus Russell bring out the lie detector.
Yes, there was a punchline coming about Russell fumbling the lie detector. I won’t insult you with it though.
8. Joakim Noah’s Hairy Highway to Hell. The Amazing Grace Baptist Church thinks the Bulls forward is due to be condemned to eternal damnation for having long hair. But not for his dancing?
9. Jon Gosselin Sued. TLC is taking legal action against the reality TV star for various offenses including disclosing inside information about the Jon and Kate Plus 8 program, which has been rechristened Kate Plus 8 in the wake of Jon’s firing. And what closely-guarded secrets did Jon reveal about TLC’s controversial show? That it sucks and only pathetic people watch it.
10. Balloon Boy Vomits. One more from Falcon Heene, America’s favorite helpless pawn.
More Links:
Week 6 Fantasy Football Round-Up (Hint: Bench JaMarcus Russell)
Niklas Lidstrom is Good (at Hockey)
Bernard Hopkins is a Homophobe
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
