The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 6 of the NFL:
1. The Patriots have magic cleats that make them run on snow like it was Astroturf. The Titans do not.
2. Brett Favre can make field goals go wide-left with his mind.
3. Mark Sanchez is not Matt Ryan 2009.
4. The Eagles still have that problem where they forget they’re supposed to be better than teams like the Raiders. (Bonus video: Watch a crazy pigeon line up in kick coverage for the Raiders!)
5. Daunte Culpepper is not Daunte Culpepper 2004. He’s not even Daunte Culpepper 2005. And he sucked in 2005.
6. Jim Zorn may be good at lots of things, but coaching is not among them.
7. If ever a team was built to run the Wildcat on every play, the Panthers are it.
8. Picking the Seahawks as a sleeper team was not a great idea. Should’ve gone with Denver.
9. Drew Brees is Dan Marino 2009. Actually, that might be selling him short.
10. David Garrard can throw for 335 yards in one game. As long as the game goes OT and is against the Rams.
2. It Was a Hoax. In the weekend’s least shocking development, Colorado authorities finally caught up with the rest of the world in concluding that the Balloon Boy incident was a publicity stunt cooked up by the evil Richard Heene for the advancement of his career as a reality TV asshole (not a very convincing hoax; turns out the balloon wasn’t even strong enough to lift Falcon Heene’s weight). Richard and his kooky wife Mayumi may now face a multitude of charges including contributing to the delinquency of a minor, conspiracy and false reporting. If there were a law against wasting America’s time, those two would be looking at life.
Did I mention that Richard Heene is a lunatic who thinks there are shape-shifting lizard people living in Arizona? They must’ve given him the idea for the UFO balloon. Or perhaps it was the brain damage.
3. In Europe He’s a God. In L.A. He’s Just Another Chump. David Beckham got the opposite of star treatment when he was detained for 3 hours at LAX while security went through his 12 bags. They didn’t find anything illegal. He must’ve left the illegal stuff back in England with his game.
4. Busher of the Week. Dante Wesley of the Carolina Panthers for a vicious, unnecessary and highly illegal hit on Clifton Smith of the woeful Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Give that guy a stick and call him Marty McSorley.
5. R.I.P. Ohio State BCS Title Game Hopes. This weekend’s loss to Purdue gave perennial BCS Title Game punching bags Ohio State 2 defeats on the season. Fans of non-sucky championship games rejoiced. Ohio State fans went into full Fire Jim Tressel mode…because they are unreasoning ingrates.
6. Robot Blob. The military has developed a new robot that is able to change its shape, shrinking itself to squeeze through cracks, then inflating into a form straight from some particularly nasty nightmare of David Cronenberg’s. I’m not sure what the military means to use the robot for, but I’m guessing it will involve terrorizing Pakistani wedding parties.
7. Boozing Kicker Arrested. The Steelers‘ Jeff Reed likes to get his drink on. Unfortunately, Jeff is one of those guys who, when he drinks too much, does dumb stuff in public places. Like attack defenseless restroom appurtenances. Good news for Jeff is that, after the Steelers dump him, he’ll have lots more time for boozing and assaulting inanimate objects.
8. Yeah, But Who Gets to be Brad Pitt? Leighton Meester and Amber Heard will star together in a movie called Cowgirl, which is described as a nouveau Thelma & Louise. A female Brokeback Mountain would be better. Especially if Anne Hathaway showed up at the camp, paralyzed in the arms and needing to be slathered with lotion. I need to stop thinking about this before I sprain something.
9. The New Rainbow Brite. They used to be like G.I. Joes for your annoying little sister and her icky friends. Now they’re like something a perv would put on top of his TV for extra stimulation while watching Japanese tentacle porn.
10. The Rock Obama on SNL. This was merely cute the first time. Now, given people’s frustration with Obama’s apparent lack of balls, it has acquired a certain poignancy. And it’s nice to see The Rock starring in something that isn’t targeted to slow fifth graders.
More Links:
Inconveniently Placed Sticker Results in Daily News N-Bomb
Dennis Rodman Grabs Strange Woman’s Crotch. He Was Not the Strange Woman.
ESPN Quick to Blame Loss on Cutler
Solomon Wilcots Struggles With Pronunciation (and Other Steelers/Browns Observations)
Ryan Lindell/Brian Moorman Caption Contest
College Football Saturday in Amusing Pictures
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
