The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. The Broncos Are Not a Fluke. Okay Josh McDaniels, you win. It was a good idea to trade Jay Cutler for Kyle Orton. It was an even better idea not to flinch on Brandon Marshall. You are the true first reincarnation of the Hoodie, not that pretender Mangini.
If Mike Shanahan had taken advantage of the humorously lame AFC West the way McDaniels is, he would never have been canned.
2. Falcon Heene Unscripted. I’m so glad Balloon Boy wasn’t in the balloon. Cause he’d be dead now instead of providing hilarious unscripted moments like this one from before the family’s interview with Wolf Blitzer.
3. Another Fallen Reality Star. Big Brother 9 winner Adam Jasinski has been busted for peddling Oxycondone. Between this guy, Richard Heene and that dude who murdered his model girlfriend, chopped off her hands and stuffed her in a dumpster, I’m beginning to suspect that reality TV attracts a bad element.
4. Mariano Rivera Revives the Spitball. Video proof that the spitball did not die when Gaylord Perry left the game. Does this make Rivera the Wet Hammer of God?
5. Brad Penny Lands Karina Smirnoff. Alyssa Milano’s ex has scored himself a Dancing With the Stars dancer, which is much better than landing a Price is Right babe, a Deal or No Deal hottie or Vanna White. Wonder if Brad made Karina wear his jersey to bed. Wonder if Karina has signed a book deal yet.
6. Smack Tweeting is a Little Bit Gay. Ochocinco is using Twitter to stir things up with members of the Chicago Bears. First he took after Jay Cutler, then he got in a smack tweeting war with Alex Brown. At one point Ocho threatened to get “full retarded = Mike Ditka mad” on Cutler if he didn’t respond. Cutler shot back by threatening to send his barber after Ocho’s family.
7. RIP Addams Family Theme Song Writer Guy. Vic Mizzy, creator of the super-annoying Addams Family theme song, has died at the age of 93. Mizzy, who at one point actually had a career as a legitimate songwriter, was also responsible for this ditty, which has the power to make your brain cells want to shoot themselves:
8. New York Times to Cut 100 Jobs. Further proof that the newspaper industry is headed the way of the telegraph industry, the horse carriage industry and California. Somewhere, Glenn Beck is smiling. At least until the medication wears off.
9. StubHub Toys With Fans of Loser Teams. Maybe it was a glitch or maybe it was a deliberate bad joke, but somehow users of the ticket service StubHub received emails reminding them to grab their Chicago Cubs, New York Mets and Detroit Tigers playoff tickets. Yes, that’s right Sherlock – those teams aren’t in the playoffs!
Dodgers fans can look forward to their StubHub email real soon.
10. Adorable Cat Story of the Day. A stray cat got the ride of its life when it somehow wedged itself inside the engine of an SUV and was driven two miles across the Bronx by the oblivious vehicle owner. The driver said they realized something was wrong when they heard a little voice whimpering, “I can haz unspeakable pain.”
More Links:
Jesus Loves the Steelers. I Know Because the Shirt Told Me.
Your Team Sucks. Should You Worry? Yes.
Matt Forte is Really Not Very Good
Train Delays Des Moines Marathon
There Ain’t Much to do When You’re a Law Student at Duquesne. Except Play Whiffle Ball.
Kenji Johjima Goes Back to Japan
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
