The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Steve Phillips Sucks at Being Married as Bad as He Sucks at Announcing. The former Mets GM and current TV blowhard is at the center of a sex scandal after revelations of an affair-gone-bad with an ESPN production assistant. The 22-year-old staffer who turned Phillips’ crank, Brooke Hundley, reportedly sent a letter to Phillips’ wife and friended Phillips’ high school-aged son on Facebook as part of her jilted-lover terror campaign (friending on Facebook is the new boiling pet rabbits). ESPN has now suspended Phillips for a week, meaning more face-time for Nutrisystem spokesman John Kruk.
Oh, and Phillips’ wife is divorcing him. So much for standing by your man.
2. I Thought Getting Tagged off the Base Meant You Were Out. Most agree that the umpiring this post-season has been shoddy, particularly during the Yankees-Angels series. But what happened last night in Anaheim was beyond shoddy…it was an embarrassment to the very art of umpiring. This is how conspiracy theories about baseball wanting to set the stage for expanded replay get started.
3. Carrie Prejean vs. Everyone. The talkative beauty queen is embroiled in a war of lawsuits with Miss California USA. First Carrie sued them for being mean, then they countersued her claiming she never paid back the $5,200 they loaned her to get new boobs. Now Carrie’s lawyer has shot back, saying the pageant is only trying to smear her. My advice to Carrie: Quit the media sniping and get on with your career as a ring card girl.
4. Old Lady Really Loves Iowa Football. A 71-year-old Hawkeyes fan refused to leave Saturday’s game even though she required medical attention for a broken hip. When your team only has one noteworthy season every 20 years, you don’t want to miss a second. That goes double when you know you won’t live another 20 years.
5. Jeff Fisher Puts on Peyton Manning Jersey. Losing may be messing with the Tennessee Titans coach’s mind. Or maybe Fisher is actually a way wackier guy than we ever suspected.
6. I Thought it Said “Orgasmic.” Target has been accused of fraud by some Granola-sucking watch-dog group after they discovered that the retailer’s organic soymilk isn’t organic. Remember the good old days when no one cared what they were putting in their bodies? I miss those days. The milk tasted so much better with all that bile and blood and shit in it.
7. Rihanna Gets Kinkier. The cover for the pop singer’s single Russian Roulette features her wrapped in barbed wire and little else. That’s one way to distract the public from the fact that your music sucks.
8. Why it Doesn’t Pay to Put Your Butt on the Line for the Man. An Ocala, Florida Wal-Mart has fired “asset protection manager” Josh Rutner for violating its policy against chasing shoplifters. The newspaper says Rutner eyeballed a man lifting some golf balls and pursued him across a parking lot before apprehending him. Unfortunately, Wal-Mart forbids such displays of crazy, worthless heroism, hence the firing. The lesson? Save your energy for backyard wrestling, cause the corporate machine don’t give a rip.
9. Tom Cruise an American Psycho? Mary Harron, the woman responsible for the boring film adaptation of Brett Easton Ellis‘ unreadable American Psycho, revealed in an interview that Christian Bale styled his interpretation of unbalanced yuppie Patrick Bateman after Tom Cruise. Specifically, says Harron, Bale referred to Cruise’s quality of “very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes.” Yup, that’s Tom.
10. Brings New Meaning to the Term “Drive a Stick.” Toyota wants to replace the old reliable steering wheel with a joystick in a new generation of compact cars. Up up down down left right left right B A start will give you unlimited gas.
More Links:
Fun With Customized Cardinals Jerseys
Man Makes Steelers Sign, Wins Praise
This Guy Doesn’t Like Mark Sanchez
CC Sabathia is Rooning the Angels’ Lives
25 Hottest Women in Motorsports (Note: Some of these women are not actually in motorsports but are only married to men in motorsports which sort of makes them not really in motorsports but whatever)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
