The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Phillies Win National League Pennant Again. After 15 years of futility, the Phillies are now dominating the National League. The annoying green man is thrilled. So was Shane Victorino, who celebrated the victory by injuring his shoulder. And then there was the fan who discovered that getting drunk and climbing on cabs don’t mix. You never see New York fans falling off cabs like that. Just sayin’.
2. Deadspin Attacks ESPN. Steve Phillips‘ sex scandal was like a starting gun going off for the folks at Deadspin, who spent all day Wednesday recounting the sexual indiscretions and general naughtiness of various Bristol denizens, some familiar, some not. And how did ESPN respond? By ignoring Deadspin. Blogosphere reaction has been swift and varied. Meanwhile, the other woman in the original Phillips scandal has acquired an unflattering nickname courtesy of the New York media. Way to build up a troubled young woman’s self-esteem New York Post.
3. Kanye West Has Lost His Last Shred of Sanity. The controversial rapper spawned the year’s most annoying internet meme, and now he’s unleashed the year’s most disturbing David Lynch-esque short film/cry for help. I was with it up until he stabbed himself in the stomach and the little puppet rat came out. That was effed up. Video NSFW.
4. RIP Dr. No. Actor Joseph Wiseman, best known for playing the title character of the very first James Bond film, is dead at the age of 91. Joseph may be gone, but his racially insensitive portrayal of an Asian criminal mastermind with mechanical hands will live on, at least until the PC police begin digitally altering old movies to remove the racial insensitivity.
5. J.J. Abrams Wants William Shatner in Star Trek Sequel. Priceline pitchman Shatner was miffed because genius J.J. chose to adhere to Star Trek canon and leave his dead Old Kirk character out of this summer’s wildly successful franchise reboot. But, J.J. has reportedly done a 180 on paying lip service to the “reality” established by shitty earlier Trek movies and will ask Shatner to be in the reboot sequel. Now the question is, will J.J. write in a “Kaaaaaaahnnnnnn!” for Shatner, or will the gratuitous self-reference be kept below Kevin Smith levels?
6. Jesse Jackson is Not Al Sharpton. To MSNBC anchor drone Contessa Brewer, all ubiquitous, race-baiting media whores look the same.
7. Your Daily Corporate Tyranny Update. A Scottish grocery store employee who likes to sing while stocking shelves has been let off the hook by the evil Performing Right Society, who were originally set to fine the woman because she didn’t have a performing license. Yes, the bastards relented this time, but what about next time? Do you want to live in a world where you can be hit with a fine for whistling “Whistle While You Work” while you work?
8. Mel Gibson to be Replaced by Charlize Theron? George Miller wants to do Mad Max 4. Mel Gibson doesn’t. The answer? Cast non-insane Oscar-winner Charlize Theron in his place. Then hire a really good writer to explain the gender switch and two decade age rollback.
9. Why Less is More When it Comes to Naming Your Kid. Siena has a basketball player named Just-in’love Smith. Advice for new mothers: Wait until the drugs have worn off, then name the kid. Your moment of whimsical creativity is his lifetime of pain and despair.
10. Lil Wayne, Big House. The rapper is going to prison for a year after pleading guilty to a 2007 weapons charge. He’s lucky there’s no jail for people who overuse Auto-Tune or he would be looking at life without parole.
More Links:
Lane Kiffin’s Foolproof Steps for Wowing Recruits
Cedric Benson Has Negative Feelings Toward the Bears
London Olympic Committee Releases Pictograms
Talbot Spits Some Truth on Fleury and Gonchar (hockey I guess)
Ten College Mascots That Cannot be Trusted (I don’t trust any mascots myself)
The Phillies Are the Team to Beat
LeBron James Blocks Rajon Rondo
More Cedric Benson. Dang He’s Popular Today.
Top 25 TV Characters (What, no Hans Moleman?)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
