I might be in the minority, but college mascots strike me as a tad creepy. Dressing up in a big puffy suit and running to and fro on purpose is not my idea of fun. Anyone who willingly pursues this endeavor is well on their way to becoming a professional clown. As we all know, clowns are comprised of drunks, kid touchers and the mentally ill.

Some mascots frighten me more than others. I get the feeling that a select group of these masked freaks are up to no good. I envision a scenario in which they meet once a month at a discreet location to plot world domination. Kinda like the Nazis, minus the fancy uniforms, weird salute and hatred of Jews.

Despite lacking solid evidence to support my theory, I have compiled a list of ten mascots who should be watched closely. If any of this lot is allowed to run amok, life as we know it could be in jeopardy.

10 – Gophers

Effing rodents. They are a scourge that must be stopped. If they ever get organized, these furry bastards are a legit threat to well manicured lawns across the globe. Not to mention the playgrounds of the rich and famous: golf courses.

9 – Spiders

Why the University of Richmond chose these creepy crawlies to be their mascot is disturbing. I suspect something is afoot in the dark corners beneath the hallowed halls of academia. If you don’t think the threat is real, need I remind you arthropod anarchy has occurred before.

8 – Cyclones

This synonym for tornado just looks menacing. Deranged scowl. Clenched fist ready to strike. Pointy tail. What Iowa State lacks in the win column, they more than make up for in the intimidating mascot department. Here is video evidence of how a cyclone army could wreak havoc on society:

7 – Trojans

No, not the kind ribbed for her pleasure. I’m talking about the ones who are still pissed about the whole horse thing. They just won’t let it go. I talked to a Trojan last week and all he did was bitch about an alleged distant relative of his who suggested they burn the damn horse. I told the dude to chill out. He threatened to behead me with his sword. As you can see, these Trojans are a real problem.

6 – Bears

Jesus, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as green bears. I’ll have nightmares for a week. These bloodthirsty hibernators have been seeking payback ever since some jackass hunter decided bearskin would make a nice floor covering in front of his fireplace. Bears employ a clever killing strategy. They lure you in with a false sense of security, then they rip your throat out.

5 – Yellow Jackets

Flying insects are a menace. Always have been, always will be. Add a deadly stinger and you’ve got an air force of creeping doom lying in wait to bombard humanity. Who the hell do these bees think they are anyway? Building honeycomb nests wherever they feel. Am I the only one who is glad they are disappearing at an alarming rate. Screw pollination. Getting stung really hurts.

4 – Cougars

These horny bitches will stop at nothing to bed as many young, virile males as possible. They are deceptive and persuasive. You don’t need game to bag a cougar. Just buy a cheap Merlot and they’ll be spread eagle in no time. And that is why they are so dangerous. Beyond the Collagen-filled lips is an icy witch capable of casting a hypnosis spell on any and all unsuspecting males eager for an easy lay.

3 – Fightin’ Irish

The Irish should never be trusted. C’mon, they have their own holiday dedicated to getting shitfaced and vomiting in public. Amazingly, no one seems to take issue with that. Don’t even get me started on the whole “potato famine” farce. Are we really supposed to believe that all of Ireland ran out of spuds during the 1840s? Obviously, they used this web of lies as an excuse to emigrate their drunk asses to the good ol’ US of A. Here’s a shocking example of how the Irish treat one another:

2 – Gators

The last holdouts from the Age of the Dinosaurs would very much like to reclaim what they feel rightfully belongs to them. By that, I mean the planet Earth. Back in the ’70s and ’80s, these scaly beasts infiltrated our homes under the guise that they would make great pets. We got wise to their motives, but flushing them down the toilet ended up being an egregious error:

1 – Spartans

Evidence has shown only a few Spartans can inflict serious pain on anyone stupid enough to stand in their way. They are always ready for battle and appear to thoroughly enjoy hacking off limbs and disemboweling enemies. Getting on their bad side is not a smart idea. I suggest we ship ‘em to a remote island in the South Pacific before it’s too late. If they ever figure out most countries are populated with pussies, we’re totally screwed.