If you were one of the few remaining human beings in a world full of undead zombies, how would you survive? In Zombieland, Jesse Eisenberg’s Columbus has a rulebook he lives by and is lucky enough to befriend a zombie-killing, Twinkie-loving good ol’ boy named Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson). But what if you were Columbus and you could have any current sports star roll up in that SUV with the “3″ painted on its side instead of Tallahassee? Here are our top 10 choices.
Brett Favre aka “Mississippi”
Just tell No. 4 that zombies killed his pa and watch what happens.
Hard-Fast Rule: Never flip-flop. Indecision will get your ass killed in Zombieland.
Guilty Pleasure: Vicodin (eff off — everybody else is dead).
Signature Zombie Kill: Mauling zombies with a kaiser sling blade a la Billy Bob.
Brock Lesnar aka “South Dakota”
That sword tat on his chest alone is bigger than most zombies.
Hard-Fast Rule: Charge first ask questions last. Don’t let those ghouls test your ground game.
Guilty Pleasure: Flipping people off.
Signature Zombie Kill: F-5 (fireman’s carry facebuster).
Carlos Zambrano aka “Venezuela”
Zambrano means “zombie killer” in Venezuelan. True story.
Hard-Fast Rule: Wear your emotions on your sleave. Gotta be ready for the undead 24-7.
Guilty Pleasure: Whatever the Venezuelan word is for Twinkies.
Signature Zombie Kill: Cracking zombified skulls with his 99-mile-per-hour heater.
Donte Stallworth aka “Knoxville”
Ever play that game Twisted Metal? That’s Stallworth, but only if you played it shitfaced.
Hard-Fast Rule: Make sure victims are dead, err, undead. Don’t wanna turn one of the few remaining humans into a speed bump.
Guilty Pleasure: He’ll even down cough syrup if it will get him drunk.
Signature Zombie Kill: Drunkenly plowing zombies with his Bentley.
Jared Allen aka “Idaho”
Business in the front, party in the back, zombies getting whacked.
Hard-Fast Rule: Stay sober. O’Douls is beter than O’dead.
Guilty Pleasure: Rocking a mullet.
Signature Zombie Kill: Rodeo-roping his prey like baby calves before finishing them off.
Rampage Jackson aka “Memphis”
Watching him make insulting nicknames for zombies, like “titties,” before offing them would be pure bliss.
Hard-Fast Rule: Always talk lots of smack. Better they hear you than you not hear them.
Guilty Pleasure: Reckless driving.
Signature Zombie Kill: Powerbomb.
Ray Lewis aka “Baltimore”
Ray-Ray would be convinced that Jesus delivered him to kill zombies.
Hard-Fast Rule: Never play the peacemaker. Especially in Atlanta.
Guilty Pleasure: Pre-zombie-killing warm-up dance.
Signature Zombie Kill: Tackling them so hard their head explodes on the pavement like a grape tomato.
Ron Artest aka “Queens”
This starving Artest would make Picassos out of ghouls.
Hard-Fast Rule: Act batshit crazy. Coming from Artest, even the zombies would be scurred.
Guilty Pleasure: Rapping.
Signature Zombie Kill: Rapping. Even the undead can’t tolerate his “flow.”
Shaquille O’Neal aka “Baton Rouge”
The Big Shaqpocalypse would treat zombies like Chewie does those who beat him at that hologram chess thingamabob — he’d rip limbs off.
Hard-Fast Rule: Never let them hack-a-Shaq.
Guilty Pleasure: Twitter. Yes, even though 99% of people are zombies.
Signature Zombie Kill: Size 23 kicks to the dome.
Todd Bertruzzi aka “Vancouver”
Sneak-attacking zombies doesn’t get you suspended — it suspends your death.
Hard-Fast Rule: Make sure they never see it coming. Better to be an alive coward than a dead hero.
Guilty Pleasure: Getting zombies from behind.
Signature Zombie Kill: Pull the shirt and then sucker punch in the back of the head.
(Adam Best is the senior editor of the FanSided.com Sports Network and the twisted mind behind The Best View. Follow him on Twitter. E-mail him with tips at fansidedadam@gmail.com)
