The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 7 of the NFL
1. Adrian Peterson is a logging truck and William Gay is a disoriented raccoon.
2. You can cross jet lag off the list of things that might slow down the Patriots offense. That still leaves “direct meteor hit” and “Bill Belichick lets a 3-year-old kid call the plays just for fun.”
3. Andre Johnson is not an indestructible cyborg from the future after all.
4. Mark Sanchez cares little about the health of his colon.
5. All Tony Romo needed to be good was a #1 wide receiver who is not a media-whore diva or an overrated former Lion.
6. The Bears can’t stop the Bengals. Can’t even slow them down. Can’t even get in front of them long enough to make them swerve slightly.
7. The Saints can spot you 21 points and still whup your ass like they were Little Mac and you were Glass Joe.
8. Jake Delhomme hasn’t quite licked that whole turning the ball over problem.
9. The Cardinals laugh at your Super Bowl loser hangover trend and Larry Fitzgerald spits on your Madden curse. They must’ve gone to Stonehenge and sacrificed a Leprechaun at midnight while reciting secret Masonic incantations.
10. The Rams suck. Actually I already knew that.
2. Yankees in the World Series Again. The Yankees won more pennants than any other team in the 20th Century. And they have now won more pennants than any other team in the 21st Century. I don’t know about the 22nd Century, but I’m pretty sure when we get there, people from small markets will still be bitching about the Yankees buying championships, and announcers will still be drooling over Derek Jeter like he was Alessandra Ambrosio in a tiny bikini clutching the world’s most perfect glazed doughnut between her thighs.
3. Harold Reynolds and Sean Salisbury Feel His Pain. ESPN weighed Steve Phillips‘ value to the organization against the embarrassment of his sex scandal and decided they would be better off firing him. The only question is, why did this decision take them longer than 15 nanoseconds?
Steve has responded to this major life and career crisis by enrolling himself in rehab. You know you have a big-time sex addiction problem when you see Brooke Hundley naked and it still doesn’t go away.
4. Bob Griese Needs to Update His Mexican Food References. And Learn the Difference Between Mexico and Colombia. Bob Griese tried to inject some humor into a NASCAR promo by lobbing a tiny racist insult at driver Juan Pablo Montoya. It took about 4 seconds for the blogosphere to blow this small gaffe up into a major controversy. Griese was forced to sort of apologize. Juan Pablo Montoya’s team owner dismissed the whole thing, saying it was just Bob being Bob (i.e., not funny and kind of racist).
The only thing more annoying than Griese’s blunder? The feigned outrage of opportunistic bloggers trying to make money by ruining a man’s life over very little.
5. Larry Johnson Will Tweet His Way Right Out of Kansas City. Ochocinco isn’t the only one who knows how to stir things up via Twitter. Larry Johnson is pretty well-versed in this art too. Actually, when it comes to Twitter escapades, Larry is Picasso and Ochocinco is a pre-schooler with a tub of fingerpaint. I’d love to link to Larry’s Twitter page and let you all partake of his coach-bashing, homophobic insanity, but alas, the account has been removed.
6. Saving the Planet, One Dog Sandwich at a Time. Brenda and Robert Vale of New Zealand’s Victoria University have some advice for people who like animals but don’t like the large carbon footprint that comes with keeping pets: eat your dog. Then, instead of getting a new dog, get some chickens and rabbits and teach them to roll over and play dead. And then eat them too.
7. Miley Cyrus’s Little Sister is Learning Fast. Noah Cyrus is Miley’s little sister. She is 9. This is how her parents let her dress. The Goth hooker look is sure to be a hit among tweens this Halloween.
8. Crash Director Escapes Nutty Religious Cult. Paul Haggis, the man who brought us the overrated Crash and the underappreciated In the Valley of Elah, has decided that Scientology is not for him. So, if you read a story about Paul Haggis’s body washing ashore anywhere in the next few days, you will know what happened.
9. Who Knew Plopping Your Kid in Front of the TV for Hours Could be Bad for Them. Parents who purchased the Baby Einstein DVDs, believing the makers’ claim that the educational programs would increase their toddlers’ vocabulary without any of the nasty psychotic side-effects normally associated with allowing an infant to interact with an electronic device for hours at a time, may now return the discs for a refund. Yeah, turns out they make your kids stupider. Like Fox News for babies.
10. Stephon Marbury is Not Done Making us Uncomfortable. His career as an NBA player may be over, but his new life as the ickiest person ever to get run out of pro sports for being a mentally unhinged Prima donna with no remaining skills is only beginning. The Vaseline was nothing.
More Links:
Joe Paterno You Make the Caption (Line Up Your Best Adult Diaper Jokes)
Man Who Was Semi-Famous in 1994 is Good at Predicting Outcomes of Steeler Games
College Football Hit of the Week
The Chicago Bears as Simpsons Characters (Again, Lunchlady Doris Gets No Love)
Portland Trail Blazers Talk via L.A. Lakers Blog
Larry Hughes is Bad (But At Least He Doesn’t Post Videos of Himself Getting His Zits Popped)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
