Boo! Halloween came early to the NFL during week seven. Eleven of thirteen matchups were decided by double digits, including margins of 38, 36, 35, 30 and 28. It was a house of horrors and one that clearly separated the class from the dreck.
Sitting through a Sunday of massacres reminded me of the constant bloodletting depicted in a Friday the 13th flick. The hacking, the slashing, the beheading, the impaling, the arterial spray. It went a little something like this:
Funny stuff. That Jason is such a cad.
Week 7 Ninjas
Muy bueno – Chad with the Spanish number for a last name played like the Chad once called Johnson. Ten grabs for 118 yards and a pair of scores hearkened back to 2007, when Chad wore ill-fitting fake Hall of Fame jackets and the Bengals were an underachieving gang of miscreants and criminals.
Vengeance is mine – Cedric Benson hurled inflammatory accusations at the Bears in the week leading up to Sunday’s tussle with his former team. According to Ced, the monsters of the midway blackballed him after his release in 2008. Apparently, being a drunken first-round bust had nothing to do with getting kicked to the curb. Whatever the case, Benson ran roughshod over Chi-town for 189 yards and a touchdown. He is on pace to rush for over 1600 yards.
Miles from nowhere – Miles Austin sounds like the name of a polo player, not an NFL number one receiver. Yes Roy Williams, you have been replaced. Why? Because you’re a waste of space who can’t get open or catch or stay healthy. Austin followed up his 250 yard performance two weeks ago with a 171 yard, two TD effort versus the not-so fabulous Falcons.
Just imagine if he got more touches – I’d be willing to wager many a fantasy showdown was decided on Monday night thanks to a man called DeSean Jackson. He only got the ball three times, but that was all it took to amass 136 totals yards and two sixers. Unfortunately, like most of the Eagles offense, DeSean disappeared in the second half.
What The Hell Is A Shonn?
His first name might be a bit strange, but you can’t say the same about his game. Leon Washington’s busted leg benefited Greene on Sunday as he rumbled for 144 yards and two scores. With Leon gone for the year, look for Greene to earn some green for the next nine games. Pick him up if you can.
Reformed Pothead of the Week
It’s been a long strange trip for Ricky Williams. He was a top five draft pick, hired Master P as an agent, posed in a wedding dress, was traded, suspended, retired, studied holistic medicine, unretired, got suspended again, played in the CFL, returned to the NFL and quit smoking marijuana. On Sunday, he totaled 92 yards and found the end zone three times against his former team. He must have smoked some of that BC Bud before the game. Oh, wait… Ricky doesn’t toke the ganja anymore. Ahem.
“Know What I Mean, Vern?”
It took him four years, but Vernon Davis has finally turned himself into a decent NFL tight end. Seven snatches for 93 yards and a trio of trip sixes kept the Niners from being embarrassed by the Texans. I’m sure Michael Crabtree’s mammoth ego and selfish antics will rub off on Vernon by season’s end, leading to another rift with Mike Singletary, and culminating in Vern being traded to the Chiefs where he will wallow in mediocrity and misery for the remainder of his career.
Week 7 Dandies
Packer slacker – Either defenses are eliminating Greg Jennings from the Packers offensive attack, or the guy is too busy purchasing 80-inch flatscreens and brand new Mercedes to give a shit about playing football this year. Twenty-two catches and one friggin’ touchdown in six games is vomit-inducing. At this point I’d rather have Keith “Mister” Jennings on my fantasy team. At least I know Keith would put forth the effort. Greg has transformed himself into a high-priced decoy who can’t wait for games to end so he can supervise the installation of an Olympic sized swimming pool in his third home in the South of France.
Mr. Smith comes down to earth – Well, it was bound to happen. The other Steve Smith has settled into being as mundane as his moniker. Four grabs for 69 yards isn’t terrible, but when facing the 31st ranked pass defense at home, Smitty owners had to be expecting much more. After snagging 34 balls in his first four, Smith has managed only eleven in his last three. He seems to struggle against aggressive man-to-man press coverage. Uh oh.
Gore-fest – Frank Gore’s return from injury was looking pretty good with a lousy Texans defense on the schedule. A paltry 47 yards on 15 touches couldn’t have been what he had in mind. Perhaps he was still hampered by the lingering effects of his sprained ankle, or it could be that he’s an overrated running back who enjoys soaking in a hot tub with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other, instead of readying himself for a game.
They Shoot Panthers Quarterbacks, Don’t They?
One of the great mysteries of our time is why the Panthers brain trust chose to give Jake Delhomme a 5-year, $42.5 million contract extension back in April. He’s on the downside of a good, not great career and currently leads the league with 13 interceptions. Basically, he sucks monkey balls. Last I checked, Chris Weinke and Vinny Testaverde were still available.
Break Out The Iron Maiden
If Matt Forte were to be executed for being a first-round bust, I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep. I loathe taking a guy third overall only to have him discharge diarrhea all over my fake roster. This clown has rushed for less than thirty yards in three games and been held without a touchdown in five of six. Sounds like a candidate for the iron maiden. It worked for Brandon Jacobs, so I’m hoping this medieval torture device will puncture some sense into the utterly useless Forte.
Classic Board Game of the Week: Hungry Hungry Hippos
I once played strip Hungry Hungry Hippos with an ex-girlfriend and her two roommates. Girls reflexes are iffy when sober. Factor in multiple shots of Vodka and you’ve got a room plastered with blouses, jeans, bras and panties. Needless to say, I dominated the proceedings. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a topless chick with natural DDs attempt to gobble up white marbles with her pink hippo. It was a night to remember.
Before I shuffle off, I’m going to leave you with another bloodbath. This one is from my favorite horror movie of all time — The Shining. May the apples you receive this Halloween be razor blade-free.
(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)
