The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. And “Loser” is Still Their Name-o. Dan Snyder’s decision to hand Sherm Lewis playcalling responsibilities just weeks after plucking him from a Bingo parlor has resulted in loads of snickering…and one loss to the Eagles. The good news for the Redskins? Despite having a recent Bingo-caller running their offense, they outgained the Eagles. Maybe there’s someone working in a Bingo parlor somewhere who could teach them how to tackle DeSean Jackson.
2. Bob Griese Suspended for Montoya Taco Remark. A half-hearted apology was not enough to save ESPN’s Bob Griese from being suspended one week for mild on-air racial insensitivity. I still don’t see what the big deal was. It wasn’t like Griese had sex with a bridge troll.
3. More Evidence That Bloggers Will Soon Rule the World. The editors of Time Magazine not only know that Deadspin exists, they thought Deadspin’s recent attack-job on the “depravity” of ESPN employees was worthy of a whole entire article (that’s a real article printed on the remains of murdered trees, not a phony internet article like this one). Of course the Deadspin people made no mention of the Time piece on their site. Bloggers are above that kind of sleazy self-promotion.
4. Vince Young’s Career Not Over Yet. The Titans suck and their quarterback Kerry Collins is dreadful. The solution, at least according to team owner Bud Adams? Replace Collins with a guy who hasn’t started a game in two years and last year had to be tracked down by the police because his family thought he might be depressed enough to kill himself. Jeff Fisher won’t be wearing a Peyton Manning jersey at the next charity event, he’ll be wearing a straitjacket.
5. Film Students Fake Meteorite Impact, Fail to Fool Scientists. Video of a reported meteorite impact in the wilds of Latvia drew excited scientists from as far away as the capital of Latvia. Unfortunately, after these smart university-educated Latvians studied the crater and the “flaming meteorite” at the center, they realized the whole thing was a fake. A group of Latvian film students soon admitted to perpetrating the hoax. The story is actually sort of dumb; I just like saying “Latvia.”
6. Lamar and Khloe Prove Their Fake Love Via Real Tattoos. Love is not really forever, and neither are ugly hand tattoos as long as you have the money to get them lasered off. Or you can just claim that “KO” is an expression of your undying devotion to the sport of boxing.
7. Even Eric Mangini Thinks That Eric Mangini Sucks. The Browns coach has admitted that it probably would’ve served his team well to run the Wildcat more than once in their 31-3 loss to the Packers. I agree with Mangini. Anything that takes the ball out of Derek Anderson’s hands is a good move.
8. CNN Now the Rams of Cable News. For the first time in its history, the original cable news network has fallen to last place in the cable news ratings. Somewhere Ted Turner is weeping. Not because the network he founded is now getting its ass kicked even by MSNBC, but because he ran out of the pills that keep him from ceaselessly weeping. Dude’s fucking bonkers.
9. The French Know What Tom Cruise Does Not. A French court has found the Church of Scientology guilty of fraud and ordered them to pay almost a million dollars in fines. Kirstie Alley is so mad about this that she’s sworn off french toast and french fries on Mondays. Tom Cruise is so upset that he’s threatening to make Mission: Impossible 4. Please Tom, anything but that.
10. Charles Barkley Talks Golf With David Letterman. Barkley continues to get comedic mileage out of his lack of proficiency on the golf course. Golf is to Barkley what a bucket of confetti was to Rip Taylor.
More Links:
Why Wait Until After the NBA Season to Give Out Awards
Do Not Embarrass Rampage Jackson in Front of His A-Team Co-Stars
What Are the Bulls Being for Halloween?
Philly-New York Rivalry Hits YouTube
The Spider Doesn’t Stop Till He Gets Enough
Colombian Soccer Team Murdered
Chris Cooley Goes Blond, Gets Hurt
Trick or Treat: NBA Season Preview
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
