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The NBA season is upon us and Halloween is right around the corner. For hoop heads, this time of year is about much more than just sporting a costume and going door-to-door asking for candy. This is about the promise of a new year filled with infinite possibility and endless entertainment from the best ballers on the planet.
To get you in the mood for Tricks and Treats, here is a quick look at the NBA from a candy perspective.
Trevor Ariza – Red Vines/Twizzlers
Agree to disagree, Fresh Coast loves the vines, Cheese Toast likes the wax ropes. No matter where you live – or stand on this one – you’re going to both love and hate Ariza.
Tim Duncan – Apple
Nothing wrong with an apple, just not what you expect when you say “Trick or Treat”. Only hippie moms think this is a “treat”. Duncan’s game is not flashy but it’s perfectly designed like nature’s candy, and if you can’t appreciate nature then you don’t get Duncan’s game either, man.
Shaquille O’Neal – Candy Corn
Candy Corn is a Trick or Treating staple just as the Big Caboose is a given if there is talk of his team winning a title. Like Shaq, this candy is good – was great once upon a time – but it’s outdated and only exists because it can be both a trick and a treat. You can’t live off the legend but so long and Candy Corn’s time is about up.
Ron Artest – Pop Rocks
Pop Rocks are the stuff of urban legends. Did they kill Mikey? Mix em’ with Coke and… what happens? Artest saw a dude die by table leg? Mix him with Kobe and…ring happens?
Twins in the NBA – Twix
Why do they sell Twix two per pack year round, but for Halloween only give away one per pack? Is it coincidence that the same area in Southern California has birthed a pair of 7-foot twins who can hoop, played together at Stanford but never together in the NBA? Think about it… C-O-N-spiracy!
Tyler Hansbrough – Sorbee Sugar Free Candy
Is this a trick or a treat? They have no flavor at all but at least eating a whole bag won’t give you cavities. Psycho T isn’t going to carry your squad on his back, but at least he isn’t going to do anything to cost you W’s either.
Carmelo Anthony – Gobstopper
You just can’t attack a Gobstopper without a game plan and you’d better be prepared for a 12-round title bout to finish one of these. Melo isn’t any different. When you have to check him, you’d better be prepared for a 4-quarter battle. Just like a jawbreaker, you’re in for a rude awakening if you try to bite off more than you can chew.
Magic and Isiah – Nerds
Why take two good flavors, put them in one box, and then separate them? Why have two all-time greats – who made others great – not made each other great? This is a riddle that makes no sense to think about.
Lamar Odom – Pixie Sticks
This is a snack that is crack for sugar addicts. Odom is a crack head for sugary snacks.
Derek Fisher, Robert Horry, Sam Cassell – Jolly Ranchers
You just can’t go wrong with any flavor of Jolly Ranchers. A go-to-candy even if it’s not the best that there is. You’d be hard pressed trying to win an NBA title without the help of one of these guys in the last 15 years, not great but clutch.
Danny Granger – Hi-Chew
Chances are you’ve never had this Japanese candy that comes in exotic flavors like White Grape. Chances are you’re sleeping on Granger and his exotic game. Do yourself a favor: seek out a pack of Hi-Chew and grab a ticket next time Granger is in your town. You won’t be disappointed either way.
The Washington Wizards – A Rock
Remember in Peanuts when they go Trick or Treating and homeboy gets a rock? That is a trick. Remember how every year you think the Washington Wizards are going to be good? Yeah…you get the point…
Donald Sterling and Mike Dunleavy – Dum Dums
There is no reason to hate on Dum Dums. Good flavors, just small for no damn reason. There was too much talent before Blake Griffin arrived for this squad to lose 60 games. Good players, just bad for no damn reason.
Yao Ming – Peanut Brittle
Brittle is a tasty treat that tends to crumble to pieces. Like Yao, Brittle is a great so long as it doesn’t fall apart before you can enjoy all of its goodness.
LeBron James – Jelly Belly
When it comes to flavor, Jelly Belly is king. From the sublime (Birthday Cake Remix) to the ridiculous (Bacon), these beans have revolutionized the candy game just like King James and his revolutionary game has changed the sport of basketball.
Kobe Bryant – Hershey’s Bars
Hershey’s are the gold standard of Halloween candy. Even if you don’t like them, you’re guaranteed to get them when Trick or Treating. KB24 is the gold standard of current NBA greatness. Even if you don’t like him, you’re guaranteed to have to go though him if you’re trying to hang a banner at the start of next season.
The 2009 NBA Off-season – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Peanut Butter + a Chocolate Cup = the perfect Trick or Treating storm. Free Agency + Big Trades = the best NBA season ever. Get your Peanut Butter Cups ready!
(Chris Shellcroft is the lead blogger for Just Blog Baby, occasional contributor on Lake Show Life and an all around righteous dude. You can follow him on Twitter.)
