The Most Important Things in the Universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Andre Agassi Was a Meth Head. Normally, when a blogger says someone is/was a meth head, that someone is Lindsay Lohan, and the accusation is completely unfounded (unless overwhelming visual evidence counts as a foundation upon which to accuse someone). In this case, however, the someone is tennis star Andre Agassi, and there doesn’t need to be an unfounded accusation because Agassi has already come clean about it in a book. Stunning. I had no idea Andre Agassi used to live in Kansas.
2. NBA Season Opens. Cavs 0-1 With Shaq. The week of NBA off-season has ended and the regular season has begun. Things got off to an intriguing start in Cleveland where the Cavs, with Shaquille O’Neal and without Delonte West (who I am legally obligated to refer to as “troubled”), lost to the Celtics, who had Rasheed Wallace but not the pugilistic Big Baby Davis. In other news, the Clippers still suck.
3. Jamie McCourt Wants Joint Custody…of the Dodgers. Frank McCourt famously fired his estranged wife Jamie from her job as Dodgers CEO and Vice-Chairman. Now Jamie is getting her revenge by demanding half the team as part of the divorce settlement. I wonder if Frank ever saw Reversal of Fortune.
4. Once Again, Science Lags Behind Common Knowledge. A geneticist claims he can prove that modern humans had sex with Neanderthals in the distant past. Well that’s nothing. With just a simple link, I can prove that modern humans are still having sex with Neanderthals.
5. His Life Sucks…and Now He’s Getting a Divorce. Corey Feldman was a teen heartthrob in the ’80s. Then he became a wash-out. Then he went where all former child stars who become drug addict losers eventually go – reality TV. And now, the universe is rubbing it in some more by taking away Corey’s wife Susannah. On the bright side, at least he isn’t Gary Coleman.
6. Invictus Trailer. Clint Eastwood has made another one of those heavy Oscar-season movies where no one calls anyone a punk and shoots them with a big old gun. Or plays around with a pet orangutan or tries to sing country music. At least this one doesn’t have Hilary Swank.
7. Hot Mormon Muffins. Evidently there are some Mormons who are hot and like baking muffins. And now they have a calendar. So, if you like looking at pictures of hot Mormons while reading a recipe for blueberry muffins or checking out what day Columbus Day falls on next year, you are in luck.
8. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Craftier Than He Looks. When the Governator isn’t busy pretend-scolding his wife for flouting California’s no talking on cell phones in cars law, he fills his time by sending naughty secret messages to lawmakers he doesn’t like. Barack Obama should try this with the Iranians.
9. The Return of Terry Bollea. Wrestler Hulk Hogan has elected to return to the ring at the age of 56. I’m guessing his recent divorce had something to do with his sudden need to make cash grinding his aging body against sweaty men half his age. Or maybe he just likes grinding his body against sweaty men. We know he likes touching his own daughter’s area, so I wouldn’t put anything past him.
10. Selling Your Body for World Series Tickets is Against the Law. Phillies fan Susan Finklestein wanted World Series tickets so badly that she posted an online ad suggesting she would willingly debase herself for them. Unfortunately for Susan, undercover cops are on to Craigslist, and they know a thinly-veiled promise of sexual favors when they see one. Let’s hope they at least put the game on in jail.
More Links:
Bears Fans Want Answers from Lovie Smith
Maybe Cubs Fans Are Racist After All
Breaking Down Ron Artest’s Hair
Fixing the Buccaneers (Good Luck With That)
Phil Jackson’ Tries to Finesse Kobe’s Diss, Fails
Known Truths According to Bob Griese
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
