The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Cliff Lee is the Coolest Former Indians Ace in the World Series. Cliff Lee is bad-ass. Cliff Lee has ice water in his veins. Cliff Lee will tear your heart out and eat it. Cliff Lee spits on your pop-up and scoffs at your bouncer back to the mound. Screw the swine flu vaccine, just give me a couple of drops of Cliff Lee’s pit-sweat. If we had sent Cliff Lee to North Korea to get those kidnapped reporters out, he would’ve come back with one reporter under each arm and Kim Jong Il stashed up his rectum.
2. The Most Sickeningly Cute Couple on Earth. What is more adorable than a bunch of sleeping kittens all purring and piled on top of each other? Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner out together on a date. That wasn’t a wind that just blew over your Halloween decorations, it was everyone sighing. (Note the lack of Kanye references in this item. My self-discipline is enormous.)
3. Keith Olbermann is Not a Suspect. Controversial CNN host Lou Dobbs said on his radio show the other day that, about three weeks back, someone shot at his home with his wife standing outside. Dobbs blamed the incident on “the national liberal media” who “embrace illegal immigration.” Congratulations to Lou Dobbs for inventing a fun new way of saying “A Mexican shot at my house.”
4. Kate Gosselin Just Had Her First Orgasm. Stanford scientists have figured out a way to make sperm and eggs outside the human body, opening the door to the possibility of reproduction without participation by either sex. Did I mention that the technique uses stem cells? Yeah, people who live near Stanford might want to clear out. God is fixing to open a can of thunderbolty whupass on that place.
5. Includes Slightly Crusty Swimsuit Issues. A man is selling his collection of 10,000+ Sports Illustrated magazines on eBay, with an opening bid of one dollar under $2 million. Before you laugh at this individual’s delusions, realize that the covers have all been signed by gigantic sports figures like Muhammad Ali, Wayne Gretzky, Roger Clemens and others. If you must laugh, focus your amusement on the fact that the guy calls himself “SI King” and looks like a dick in every picture on his site.
6. Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face” Sung by Eric Cartman. South Park must be doing new episodes, cause people are posting funny clips. Make that “disturbing but funny.”
7. NBA Referees Don’t Suck, They’re Just Corrupt. Excerpts from disgraced and jailed former NBA ref Tim Donaghy’s book Blowing the Whistle have hit the internets. Among Donaghy’s revelations? Refs used to place bets on who would call the first foul of the game, then, not wanting to lose, would go several minutes into said game without calling a foul, even if guys were fouling all over the place. They’re still waiting for someone to flinch on that wager from 20 years ago on who would call the next traveling violation.
8. Drugs That Smell Like Grandma’s on a Saturday. Cops in Bulgaria seized 110 pounds of heroin hidden in cans of sauerkraut. They were hoping the drug-sniffing dogs would be distracted by the hideous smell and not notice the drugs?
9. So Much for Resting in Peace. Sources claim a picture taken of Michael Jackson on the slab is about to be leaked to the internet. All right, who the hell let Joe Jackson into the morgue?
10. Damn You Viagra. A 112-year-old Somali man who just married a 17-year-old girl says he wants to have kids with his new bride. Memo to 112-year-old Somali man: If you’re elderly enough to have been alive the last time the Cubs won the World Series, you should probably just shut ‘er down.
More Stories of Interest:
Yankees Add Don Zimmer to Staff Just to Get Under Pedro’s Skin? (Answer: No)
JoeSportsFan’s Weekly Podcast Including Mark McGwire Discussion
A New Nickname for Shaquille O’Neal, Reflecting the Fact That He is Old and Slow
People Seem to Find This Minka Kelly Person Attractive
The Return of McFunk (That Sounds Dirty)
Jerry Angelo Calls Out Lovie Smith and Tommie Harris (Leaves Jay Cutler Alone)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
