The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. No Thanks to A-Rod. This was supposed to be the World Series where Alex Rodriguez proved he was not just a regular season stat-monster. So far, A-Rod is 0-for-8, which, by my math, works out to a batting average of .000. The Yankees managed to overcome A-Rod’s lack of contribution in Game 2, winning 3-1 behind A.J. Burnett and Mariano Rivera. So, to sum up: A.J. Burnett worth a damn in the World Series, A-Rod not worth a damn (but still banging Kate Hudson).
2. If Only it Were Real. I don’t know what Spike Jonze is trying to say with this video of him pretend-slapping Kanye West. Maybe it’s some kind of commentary on the modern world and its growing sense of spiritual disconnection. Or maybe it’s a commentary on Spike Jonze’s desire to slap Kanye West.
3. Don’t Screw With Rich People. A Florida radio personality named Dan Sileo – what, no wacky DJ nickname? – has been suspended for claiming the Glazer family lost millions to Bernie Madoff and may now have to sell the Buccaneers. Glad I saw this before doing my post about Malcolm Glazer looking like the product of Charlie Steiner’s crazy night with a leprechaun. That dude don’t mess around.
4. That’s the God Odin, Not the Oft-Injured Basketball Player Oden. Anthony Hopkins has signed to appear as Odin in the forthcoming adaptation of Marvel Comics’ Thor. As silly as this career move may seem for a former Oscar-winner, it falls far short of the humiliation high-water-mark set by Ben Kingsley when he agreed to star in Bloodrayne 2.
5. Sarah Palin Warned Youz Guys. Despite all the screaming and harping, right-wing hysterics have failed to get the “death panel” provision dropped from the House health care bill. Time to move grandma and grandpa into that special little hidden room you built for them in the attic, unless you want Barack Obama and his health care stormtroopers to haul them away to the gas chamber.
6. Jessica Simpson is Available. Mental Midgets Need Not Apply. The pop songstress and ex-girlfriend of Tony Romo has revealed what she wants in a man: “I don’t want to get bored. I can bore out pretty easily, so I love intellectual men … people that will always keep me intrigued.” Do I even need a punchline?
7. Think Green Bay People Are Bitter About the Whole Favre Thing? A street in Green Bay has had its name changed from Minnesota Ave. to Aaron Rodgers Drive in honor of the city’s lingering anger over their betrayal at the hands of Brett Favre. This may seem silly, but it’s actually a step up from Green Bay’s usual response to festering resentment, heavy drinking followed by a spate of snowmobile-deer collisions.
8. World Series Game 2 Kicks Off With Jay-Z Rapping – and Alicia Keys in Foam Pants. The Phillies couldn’t get Alicia’s pants out of their minds afterward, hence their failure to hit A.J. Burnett. If the series returns to New York, the Yanks will have Beyonce and Rihanna do a duet dressed only in strategically-placed stryofoam packing peanuts.
9. 10 Signs That it is Halloween
1. The pigboats at Wal-Mart are topping-off their usual shopping basket full of Snickers bars with a bag of mini-Snickers (that has no chance of surviving till the kids show up).
2. Albert Belle is getting the oil changed on his pick-up, just so he’s ready.
3. Syfy has gone from 18 hours-a-day of crappy horror movies starring Lou Diamond Phillips to 24 hours solid.
4. Your neighbors have replaced the junk in their lawn with a bunch of other junk that looks vaguely like cardboard gravestones. The year-round Christmas lights add a festive touch.
5. The creepy goth dude down the block has begun dressing like an insurance salesman.
6. You just almost chuckled to a re-run of a Simpsons Treehouse of Horror from 1997.
7. Somebody removed all the French art films from your Netflix queue and replaced them with every slasher film made since 1980, including the one good one.
8. Grandma has delivered her annual lecture about cutting open the apples to make sure there’s no razor blade.
9. Flix has whipped out Monster Squad.
10. This morning you awoke to the horrible sound of several million pumpkins screaming in agony. Everyone else thinks the pumpkins feel no pain. But ever since you took that shrapnel in Grenada, you know better.
10. Slow Friday Random Old Music Video. Cause I heard the song on the radio this morning: “Don’t Come Around Here No More” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
More Links:
Every Day is Halloween for These 15 Sports Figures
Jay Cutler Needs to Type Slower (or Think Faster)
Bobby Knight Has Not Forgiven Indiana
Stan Van Gundy is the Picture of Serenity
6 Reasons Why J.J. Redick’s Rap Career Will Fail (That’s 5 More Than Are Necessary)
Vikings vs. Packers – What’s a Bears Fan to Do?
10 Best Sports-Inspired Halloween Costumes for 2009
The 10 Most Frightfully Bad Sports Franchises
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
