The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from NFL Week 8
1. There’s Kurt Warner the Super Bowl-caliber quarterback, and then there’s Kurt Warner the old dude who coughs the ball up 6 times.
2. Sticks and stones may break Brett Favre’s bones, but booing only makes him throw 4 touchdowns despite a sinus infection and pulled groin.
3. Vince Young can still be an NFL quarterback, provided his running back goes for 228 yards and 2 TDs.
4. Jay Cutler and Rob Ryan may have something to tell us.
5. That ass-whupping by the Saints was no fluke. The Giants really are not very good.
6. When the Ram lies down with the Lion, the portal is opened to football hell.
7. Josh McDaniels needs to go back to the magic fairy and beg for more of that lucky dust.
8. The Cowboys are done being your example of why hype doesn’t equal wins.
9. When the game’s on the line, nobody delivers the big touchdown pass like Joseph Addai.
10. Kicking to Ted Ginn? Yeah. Stupid idea.
2. Can a Basketball Team File a Restraining Order? Stephon Marbury is an NBA pariah, a streaming-video superstar and a noted petroleum-based-foods aficionado. And now he can add crazed basketball team stalker to that resume as well. If the Knicks were a woman, they would’ve already had their new boyfriend and his boys go to Stephon’s house and threaten to kick his ass.
3. Go Ahead, Hog All the Titles. The Yanks won after putting up a 3-spot on poor Brad Lidge and the Phillies in the 9th inning of game 4, and are now one victory away from their 27th championship. Not to pile on Brad Lidge, but, on the reliability scale, he ranks somewhere between Mitch Williams and the drug addict relative you just loaned 200 bucks after making them swear they wouldn’t use the money to buy dope.
4. Manu Ginobili 1, Kindness to Animals 0. The bats are not in the belfry. The bats are in the arena, and Manu Ginobili is not afraid of them.
5. Would You Like to be Blown Up, Stoned or Beheaded? Barrie Osbourne, one of the brains behind The Matrix, is planning a sprawling international epic film about the life of the prophet Muhammad. Salman Rushdie has already contacted Barrie and told him his basement is booked up for the next two decades, so he’ll have to find somewhere else to hide.
6. Jellyfish Sink Japanese Fishing Boat. Japan is the only country left that thinks it’s okay to speed whales on the road to extinction by hunting them. The whales’ friends the jellyfish would like Japan to know that they are watching, and they are not amused.
7. My Colon Just Started Crying. World’s largest meatball, 225 1/2 pounds. Those Chick-fil-A “Eat Mor Chikin” commercials don’t seem to be working.
8. It’s Okay Drew Barrymore. They’re Not Burning the Monkeys, They’re Only Irradiating Them. NASA, in an effort to learn more about what effect long-term trips outside the earth’s protective magnetic field might have on humans, are planning to dose a bunch of monkeys with radiation. There’s no way this can possibly backfire and lead to a race of mutant monkeys who end up capturing Charlton Heston and locking him up with a smoking-hot babe. Is there?
9. Brandon Spikes, Mad Eye-Gouger. Florida’s Brandon Spikes is a YouTube sensation…for trying to rip out the eye of Georgia’s Washaun Ealey. Don’t worry though, Spikes has gotten what was coming to him: a one-half-game suspension from that hard-nosed disciplinarian Urban Meyer.
10. Cartoon Cleavage Fans, Get Your Paper Towels Ready. Robert Zemeckis says a sequel to Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is currently in the works. Sorry Christina Hendricks, but Jessica Rabbit will remain animated.
More Reading (Or You Can Just Look at the Pictures):
BCS Chimps. Apologies to Those Who Cringe at Animal Humiliation.
Pittsburgh Needs a Sports Pope. FedEx Pope is Available for the Gig.
Celebrating College Kids Knocking the Snot Out of Each Other
Hockey Players Are Dumb and Dumber
Diora Baird’s Non-Boobalicious Deleted Star Trek Scene
Macy’s Jumps the Gun on Phillies Repeat
The 35 Manliest Mustaches of All-Time
How to be an A-Hole and Get Away With it. (Does a true a-hole care if they get away with it?)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
