The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Henceforth, Home Runs Shall be Referred to as “Utleys.” With two more bombs off the Yankees in Game 5, Chase Utley tied Mr. October Reggie Jackson’s World Series record of five home runs. One of said homers came off A.J. Burnett, who is not as good on 3 days rest as CC Sabathia. Meanwhile, A-Rod continued pummeling his postseason choker reputation to death by driving in 3 runs. The Phillies were lucky they scored 8, because their bullpen was once again shakier than Don Knotts in an earthquake after 5 cups of coffee.
2. The Browns are a Disaster. Cleveland is looking for a new GM after canning George Kokinis, the man Eric Mangini brought with him when he was hired as coach. Kokinis might still have his job if Mangini had brought a quarterback with him too (not naming any names, but, there’s a guy who wears #4 who did some work for Mangini with the Jets).
3. Popeye Jones Arrested, Has Handsome Face Marred. The former NBAer known for his hard-nosed lunchpail play was popped for DWI after driving his GMC Yukon in erratic fashion around the streets of Richardson, Texas. While being arrested, Popeye’s equilibrium failed him and he went face-first to the pavement, resulting in a somewhat gruesome mugshot. Sad story. Guy could sure clean the boards. Now he’ll be cleaning toilets in jail.
4. Saints 7-0. Another week, another offensive explosion in the face of some poor hapless defense. Actually, I think the Saints might be getting bored. That’s why they keep falling behind early, so they’ll have to catch up. They’re like your mean older brother who gives you a headstart, letting you think you have a chance, then blows by you so fast you end up on your ass with tears streaming down your chubby little cheeks. Then mom makes you some grape Kool-Aid to cheer you up, so it’s all good.
5. So it Turns Out Swatting Wild Animals Out of the Air With Your Bare Hands is a Medical No-No. Manu Ginobili wowed us with his bat-smacking skills over the weekend. Unfortunately, hitting bats with your bare hands is a bad idea from a not-getting-rabies standpoint, so Manu has been forced to get precautionary shots. Lots of them. Up to 15 over the next month. Let that be a lesson to you kids out there. If a bat invades your basketball game, swat it with a broom or a shovel, or spray it with something or try to shoot it down with a bb gun or your dad’s .22. But absolutely don’t hit it with your hand.
6. Just What Africa Needs, More Salt Water. Scientists say that, in the next million years, a giant rift running through Ethiopia will open up into a new ocean. This is great news for Sally Struthers, who loves the beach (except when one of her realtives gets blown up).
7. Usain Bolt is Only the Second-Fastest One in His Family. The world’s fastest man has adopted an example of the world’s fastest animal. For those who don’t watch much educational TV, the world’s fastest animal is the cheetah. No, they do not get their great speed by eating Cheetos. Far be it from me to criticize a man’s choice in pets, but, we’ve seen some examples of how living with wild animals ain’t always a brainy move.
8. I Repeat, Flipping Off a Judge is Always a Bad Idea. Kane Kellett of McHenry County, Illinois will spend six months in the slammer after yelling obscenities at and flipping the bird to judge G. Martin Kopp during his swearing-in at court. And why was Mr. Kellett in court in the first place? Kicking a woman in the face and ribs after she fell, and, in a separate incident, invading someone’s home and battering them with a flashlight. And still his mother loves him, probably.
9. European Hockey Goalie Delights Us With His Michael Jackson Dance.
10. A.I. is A.I. – in Memphis. Allen Iverson spent the first three games of his sure-to-be-noteworthy Memphis Grizzlies career on the bench with a hamstring injury. When he finally saw game action Monday night, he took 9 shots – a normal quarter for him – and scored 11. Afterward he reminded everyone that he sees himself as a starter, not a bench player. Funny, I thought that sort of thing was up to the coach.
More Links:
What Lindsey Hunter Should’ve Told Tyrus Thomas
Onside Kick Leads to (Not the Least Bit Homoerotic) Monkeypile
Finding the Humor in Golfers Using Performance Enhancers
Welcome Caniac Nation and Hockey Fans, Especially at This Bad Time
Science Tackles Butterface, Crazyface and Angryface (Instead of, Say, Dosing Monkeys With Radiation)
Don’t Worry, They’re Only Canadians
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
