The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Anything’s Better than Hugh Jackman Tap-Dancing. The Oscars are trying hard to spruce things up for next spring’s ceremony. First there was the decision to have 10 best picture nominees instead of the traditional 5, and now comes the announcement that instead of one host there will be two: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Look forward to at least two banjo solos and one impromptu rant against the Republican party veering into a borderline psychotic why-Kim-Basinger-is-the-worst-woman-on-earth tirade.
2. Aren’t They a Little Young for That Kind of Filth? Miley Cyrus had some special guests for her show at Washington DC’s Verizon Center Tuesday night: First lady Michelle Obama and first kids Malia and Sasha. Let’s hope the Obama clan had special box seats, and didn’t have to mingle with the the overcoated, profusely-sweating perverts and their 11-year-old belly-shirt-wearing “nieces.”
3. More Laker Love News. Andrew Bynum got with Rihanna. Lamar Odom married Khloe Kardashian. And now, Sasha Vujacic has gotten on the Laker-plus-random-female-celeb love connection by hooking up with sometime tennis player Maria Sharapova (or, at the very least, taking her to a U2 concert). There’s a dirty joke about a backhand in here somewhere. You’ll have to find it for yourself.
4. He Must Really Like the Parking Space. How much would you pay to be mayor of New York? If you are Michael Bloomberg, the answer is $100 million. That’s how much of his own money the well-to-do incumbent shelled out to defeat Democrat Bill Thompson. And by “defeat” I mean “barely edge out.” Imagine how stupid Bloomberg would feel right now had he lost. He’d be like, “Damn, I could’ve bought the Phoenix Coyotes. Or paid Scarlett Johansson $100 million to let me motor boat her jugs.”
5. Monty Stratton Feels His Pain (Or Would if He Were Alive and Didn’t Have a Wooden Leg). Vicente Padilla, who went from almost out of baseball to ace of the Dodgers staff this season, has joined Plaxico Burress on the (thankfully very short) list of well-known athletes who have injured themselves in firearm-related accidents. Fortunately for Padilla, his mishap occurred not in a New York nightclub but a Nicaraguan wilderness where he was unwinding with a little light hunting. The injury is said to be minor, so, whoever is the Jimmy Stewart of 2009 will have to look elsewhere for an inspiring role.
6. Blockbuster Job Applications Do Not Include IQ Tests. Aaron Siebers thought he was up shit creek when he tore a hole in his Blockbuster uniform pantleg in a skating mishap. So, Aaron did what any self-respecting imbecile with a face full of piercing-wounds would: Stabbed himself in a spot corresponding to the location of the pantleg hole and told his employers he’d been attacked by three Hispanics. Unfortunately for Aaron, when the authorities investigated his claim, they turned up no evidence of a crime…except for his crimes of filing a false report and obstructing police. If only he’d shown up for home ec instead of ditching to work on his shredding, he could’ve sewn up that pantleg and been on his merry way.
7. Racist Chant Has Fight Song in Hot Water. University of Mississippi Chancellor Dan Jones is threatening to put the kibosh on the school’s fight song “From Dixie With Love” if students don’t put the kibosh on their habit of chanting “The South will rise again” every time the band breaks the tune out at a game. Apparently, there are some who think masses of crackers loudly repeating a phrase vaguely associated with white supremacy creates an uncomfortable atmosphere for people who are not generally in favor of seeing the Confederacy restored.
8. Aggression Gene Gets Man Reduced Sentence. Accused murderers in Italy have a new legal weapon at their disposal: the “It’s not my fault my parents gave me a gene that causes me to sometimes get really angry and stab someone to death” defense. Jailed killer Abdelmalek Bayout used it, and an Italian judge knocked a year off his sentence. All of which begs the question: Is there a gene that causes you to not pay parking tickets?
9. I Think This Might Be Baloney. A psychic claims to have made contact with Michael Jackson’s spirit. The spirit told her to go forth and fondle ten-year-olds, then claim such things are natural and the people who don’t like it are only persecuting her.
10. I’d be Careful Crossing the Street if I Were Him. Disgraced ref Tim Donaghy has been released from jail after serving time for conspiring with shady gamblers. The countdown to his mysterious death – which conspiracy theorists will “wrongly” characterize as a murder possibly ordered by David Stern – can now begin.
Further Reading:
Top 5 Recipients of Media Blow-Jobs (I Apologize for the Indelicate Language)
Sam Smith Thinks LeBron James Will be Playing With Kobe Bryant Next Year
Andy Reid’s O-Face (As Sick as it Sounds)
It Could be Worse for Maple Leaf Fans
Fantasy Football Fiasco – Week 8
Keeping Track of Barack Obama’s Leisure Time (For the Good of the Nation)
9/11 Reference Has Dude’s Underwear in a Bunch
Yes, We Know, DeSean Jackson is Good
Luol Deng Was Evidently Gone, but is Now Back
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
