The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Yankees Make the World Hate Them Incrementally More. The New York Yankees are once again the champions of baseball. Hideki Matsui is your World Series MVP (did I mention he’s from Japan?). In heartwarming post-game celebration news, Joba Chamberlain’s dad evidently loves him. But the big question remains: do the Yankees represent all that is wrong with baseball, or are they in fact a model organization? I don’t know. I do know that Mariano Rivera is better than your closer, Derek Jeter is the greatest human being ever to walk the earth and Alex Rodriguez is never, ever going to shake the centaur thing. Ever.
2. Overselling the Hate. John Riggins hates Dan Snyder. John Riggins thinks Dan Snyder is ruining the Redskins by being an egomaniacal little control freak who just wants to make headlines by signing free agents. John Riggins thinks that, if you opened Dan Snyder’s heart and peered inside, you would see only darkness. John Riggins needs to get a hobby besides thinking about how bad Dan Snyder is.
3. What Did She Plan on Doing With it Anyway? When Carrie Prejean does her next personal appearance on behalf of hating gay people, she will have a crazy new story to tell: about the time the Miss California pageant forced her to drop a million-dollar-plus settlement demand by whipping out a graphic videotape of her sexually gratifying herself. No Carrie, you’re not dumb, and the criticism is all unfair. And yes I suppose Jesus still loves you but he’s starting to lose patience.
4. Chupacabra or Bald Bear? A mystery condition has caused bears at the Leipzig Zoo to lose all their hair, and now the unfortunate animals all resemble creatures from some cheesy direct-to-DVD movie. Let’s hope Casper Van Dien doesn’t find out or he may try to kill them.
5. Maybe She’ll Let Him Touch Her Oscar. Johnny Depp is in negotiations to replace Sam Worthington as Angelina Jolie’s co-star in the movie The Tourist. Watching Johnny and Angelina try to out-frown each other should be, um, entertaining.
6. The Story That Spawned a Thousand Lost WMDs Jokes. A dispute has broken out between the U.S. military and the Iraqi government over “bomb detectors” that the Iraqis swear by but the more-tech-savvy Americans claim are about as useful for finding bombs as Ouija boards are for contacting the great beyond. The first hint that something might be wrong: In order to operate the dubious detectors, the Iraqis first dress in their jammies, get loaded on mommy’s tequila and become bored with playing spin-the-bottle.
7. The Brazilian Tom Sawyer. The family of Ademir Jorge Goncalves got the shock of their lives when, after assembling for the bricklayer’s funeral, the late Ademir himself appeared, not in ghost form, but in not-really-dead form. Turns out the family had incorrectly identified a car crash victim as Ademir, and all the time they were grieving and planning the service, Ademir was with his friends drinking. Let’s hope they were happy to see him.
8. Three Old Goats and a Skank in Her Twenties. Steve Guttenberg says that Disney is planning to revive the franchise begun in the ’80s with Three Men and a Baby and continued in the ’90s with Three Men and a Little Lady. The only snag? Tom Selleck’s mustache is holding out for a juicy back-end deal.
9. Dancing Dog. It only took him 5 years and 10,000 pounds of doggie treats, but he finally taught the dog to Mambo.
10. Random Old Music Video: Duran Duran – “Rio”
A Few More Links:
Michael Jordan’s Awkward Youth
12 Hottest Female Sports Uniforms
Andres Nocioni Arrested for Drunk Driving
Want Some Free City of Champions Cereal?
7 Hilarious Google Suggestions
The Disaster Continues (Yes, It’s About the Buccaneers)
SideLion Report Podcast: Rammed Into a Corner
ESPN to Blame for Jennings Falling to the Bucks
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
