The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. World Domination Still Scheduled for 2020. Hollywood insider Nikki Finke has rocked the entertainment world by revealing that Oprah Winfrey plans to end her iconic syndicated talk show, then launch a new Oprah Winfrey Network on cable in 2011. The new channel will eschew regular programming and instead transmit a signal that goes directly into men’s brains, creating a vague sense of annoyance that never goes away.
2. Funny, He Never Looked Like the Type. Free-spirited Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was stopped for speeding in Washington state last week and found to have 3 grams of pot on his person. Misdemeanor possession charges are in the offing. If there were such a thing as the Hippie Scouts, Lincecum would’ve officially earned his “Hassled by the Man” badge.
3. It’s Always Funny Until Someone Gets Broken in Half by Ray Lewis. Chad Ochocinco, not content with taunting the Ravens the usual way, sent gift baskets containing deodorant to several members of the Baltimore defense. I’ve heard of trash talking and even trash tweeting, but trash gifting? That Ochocinco sure knows how to raise the bar (in ways that some find amusing and others find merely insufferable).
4. Birdinator Takes Down Super Collider. The Large Hadron Collider may be the tool physicists use to at last detect the elusive Higgs Boson, or perhaps even create tiny black holes that finally grow big enough to swallow the earth. We won’t know until they learn to protect it from overheats caused by birds dropping tiny bits of bread into pieces of exposed equipment. Things like this are how rumors of robot avians from the future armed with laser-guided hunks of baguette get started.
5. Tall, Awkward Guys in Suits and Thinly-Veiled Jokes About Sexual Impropriety With Interns. Derek Jeter, Andy Pettitte and Jorge Posada visited with David Letterman. Hilarity did not ensue. Hideki Matsui may be a World Series MVP, but that doesn’t mean he gets to talk or be relieved of his trophy-carrying duties.
6. At Least Donald Trump Can’t Fire Her. America isn’t the only country where beauty queens occasionally behave like white trash. Exhibit A: The tale of Miss England Rachel Christie, who has surrendered her crown after getting into a bar fight with a pageant rival, Sara Jones aka Miss Manchester. How can we ever have world peace if we can’t even get beauty queens to stop pounding on each other in pubs?
7. Nicolas Cage Needs the Money. Bad. Fans of the movie Ghost Rider, have I got good news for you: Despite overwhelming public sentiment against such a thing, plans are in the works to create Ghost Rider 2. In this one, Nic Cage aka Ghost Rider climbs on his motorcycle-from-hell and chases down the IRS agents and creditors who are forcing him to make the movie and hand over his salary or else be chucked in jail.
8. Winning the World Series Wasn’t Enough. Yankees manager Joe Girardi can now add Good Samaritan to his list of distinctions, after helping a woman who drove her car into a wall along a roadway in Westchester County, New York. Reports say Girardi had to cross three lanes of traffic to get to the woman, 27-year-old Marie Henry. Amazingly he was able to make it, even without Derek Jeter, Hideki Matsui and Mariano Rivera being there to carry him.
9. By the Way You Look Fantastic, in Your Condom of Chinese Rubber. Lucky residents of China will soon be able to bid on 5,000 condoms left over from the special series of 100,000 that were made to be distributed during the Beijing Olympics. These are all unused condoms, so mad scientists looking to clone Olympic athletes from stray sperm samples, save your money.
10. And I Dream of Being Charlize Theron’s Bike Seat, But That Doesn’t Mean I Will Ever Get to. Boston Celtics forward Glenn “Big Baby” Davis says that, when he’s done fulfilling his dream of becoming an NBA All-Star, he will give up basketball and pursue his other dream of being an NFL player. And when he’s done with that, he will pursue his other other dream: Getting a sex change and learning to play the mandolin. Imagine, Glenda “Big Baby” Davis, silken-voiced lady folk singer.
Other Links:
Three Words: Women’s Soccer Fight
Twins and Brewers Trade Unwanted Crap
Steelers Second-Stringer Lands Commercial
Did I Mention That the Bulls Beat the Cavs?
What I Learned from Television Last Night
The 10 Worst Haircuts in Sports
The Degenerate Gambler’s Weekend Guide
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
