The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 9 of the NFL.
1. Tommie Harris’s future as a street thug is brighter than his future as a football player.
2. No. 1 on the list of things that really irritate Mike Smith: “Hitting his quarterback out of bounds right in front of him.”
3. Ochocinco is a cheapskate when it comes to bribery.
4. Ken Whisenhunt wants a spot in one of those lame Coors Light commercials.
5. Matt Stafford + 5 picks = the Lions lose again.
6. Miles Austin only needs one catch to totally kick your ass.
7. Kris Brown handles pressure about as well as Chris Brown handles anger.
8. In Green Bay, being quarterback is not just a job, it’s an adventure involving a lot of turf-eating and ass-bruising.
9. Corey Webster can’t cover Vincent Jackson (perhaps the Giants could replace him with another Webster).
10. Joey Porter’s mouth is better for the Patriots than all the illegal videotaping and injury report funny business in the world.
2. Send in the Clown. Sammy Sosa shocked a small segment of the world last week by showing up at an event with a skin tone only a shade or two darker than Pat Boone’s. The cynical immediately took to their computers to accuse Sammy of deliberately lightening his skin a la Michael Jackson (or maybe it was the steroids; or perhaps he is now a zombie). Sammy’s supporters went on the defensive, insisting Sammy’s apparently altered pigmentation was the result of a “skin rejuvenation” process plus unfortunate lighting. Cubs fans who remember Sammy’s clownishness merely smiled knowingly, and went back to hating Aaron Miles.
3. Closing the Door, Locking it, Throwing Away the Key, Blowing up the Door. Former basketball star Stephon Marbury has a Twitter account and isn’t afraid to use it…to rip David Stern and the NBA for rigging the playoffs. Calling Stephon a meathead would be an insult to people who sport gobs of ground beef in place of cerebrums.
4. BCS Championship Game Will Once Again be Big 10-Free. Thanks to Northwestern, and an injury to Iowa quarterback Ricky Stanzi, the world has been spared the misery of an overrated Big 10 team once again finding its way into the national championship game. With all due respect to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the Wildcats just did more to make the world a better place than all the orphan-adopting Hollywood stars in history put together multiplied by Jimmy Carter and Nelson Mandela.
5. Michael Vick is Angry (That He Didn’t Think of it First). A Long Island woman is in jail after police discovered 20 animal graves and numerous caged, dying dogs on her property. Tony Dungy is already on his way to pray with and counsel her (his advice – be nice to animals from now on and don’t sign with the Raiders).
6. How to Force a Trade in One Easy Step. It’s no secret that Stephen Jackson wants to be traded away from Golden State. And even if it had been a secret, it wouldn’t be anymore, now that Jackson’s agent has attacked Warriors coach Don Nelson by dredging up every bad thing Nelson ever did in his life. And not one single person feels bad for Don Nelson.
7. At Least He Seems Upbeat. Comedian Katt Williams is in custody after being arrested for burglary and criminal trespass in Coweta County, GA (the mugshot suggests he isn’t too worried about it). Williams is lucky there’s no such thing as a charge of impersonating someone anyone gives a shit about, or he’d have three things in that list.
8. For You Sick Fuckers Out There. A baby deer got into the lion’s pen at the National Zoo in Washington. Amazingly, not one single idiot jumped into the pen to try and save the deer.
9. Twilight With Frankensteins, and Taylor Swift as a Dour Brunette. Thanks to SNL, we now know what Twilight would be like with bolt-necked, hulking products of a mad scientist’s obsession instead of brooding vampires. For the record, Kristen Stewart is fifty times hotter than Taylor Swift.
10.By “Season-Long Suspension” They Meant “Mostly Kinda Season-Long Suspension”. To the surprise of no one at all, Oregon has reinstated running back LaGarrette Blount, who was given a season-long suspension after doing his best impersonation of a crazy man in the wake of the team’s season-opening loss to Boise State. Urban Meyer still thinks the punishment was too harsh. He would’ve made Blount write “I will not go berserk in front of TV cameras” fifty times on a blackboard, then personally sucked the chalk residue from Blount’s fingers.
Further Reading:
Larry Johnson is No Longer a Chief
Larry Johnson, Now a Former Chief
Did You Hear? The Chiefs Cut Larry Johnson.
Video “Hilarity”: Father-Son Bonding (or Something)
Classic Andre Agassi Commercials
Blogger Rails Against Media Credentialing Discrimination (is “Credentialing” a Word?)
10 Awesome “I Love This Game” NBA Commercials
Richard Jefferson Posterizes Greg Oden
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.