(Fantasy Football Fiasco is your be-all end-all review of the week that was in fantasy football. Oh, and a bunch of crap that has nothing to do with fantasy football.)
Let me just say that Ray Rice and Randy Moss are totally bitchin’. Thanks to them and big tight end named Vernon Davis – whom I shrewdly snagged off the waiver wire a month ago – I am in prime position to lock down a playoff berth in an 18-team league. That’s right, I said 18!
If you think you know how to manage a fake roster, you should really test your skills in an 18-team league. With bye weeks and only four bench spots, it’s a daunting challenge, to say the least. Well, not for someone as savvy as myself, but ya know, for all the amateurs and wannabees out there.
Basically, I rule. My knowledge is second to none. My talent is unparalleled. My dominance is unquestioned. My ability to crush on every level reminds me of Chow Yun Fat in John Woo’s classic crime actioner, The Killer:
This flick is the shit. Scarface is Saturday morning cartoons compared to the The Killer.
Week 9 Ninjas
Titans pride! – One of my leagues is a keeper. Last year I had a choice to keep either Chris Johnson or Matt Forte. I went with Forte. I should be flogged with a barbed-wire whip for this discretion. Chrissy racked 160 total yards and a pair of scores this past Sunday. If he continues his present pace, the Titans stud will eclipse 2000 yards. Can you say 2010 number one overall pick?
Fitz the cat – Larry Fitzgerald has been quietly kicking ass in 2009. Fitzy dropped 123 and two sixers on the hapless 49ers. If he keeps it up, he could set career highs in both catches and touchdowns. Needless to say, Larry is livin’ up to the hype he earned during last season’s magical playoff run.
I sense a theme – Just when his critics are ready to hammer the final nail in the coffin of Kurt Warner’s career, the old geezer hangs five TD tosses on a defense. Warner should be shilling for adult diapers and erectile dysfunction meds rather than leading a pro football team to victories. Jesus must really like him.
Kickers Ruin Everything
Can we outlaw footies, please? The Texans had a golden opportunity to take the Colts to overtime on Sunday. All that was required was a 42-yard field goal being converted by Kris Brown. The same Kris Brown who booted a 56-yarder earlier in the contest. What did he do? Shanked it left. Game over. Texans lose. I have a suggestion for Brown on how to spend his bye week: springboard diving onto a bed of nails.
Guys Named After Cities Rule!
Since I am predisposed to hate everything associated with the word Dallas, I would prefer if Clark were named either Miami or Albuquerque. Nevertheless, the dude is a Texas-sized baller. His 14 grabs on Sunday gave him 60 through eight games. For all you high school dropouts, that puts Dallas on track to snatch 120 balls. He’s never caught more than 77 in his career.
Beard of the Week
Falcons second-year left tackle Sam Baker has more hair beneath his chin than he does atop his very large cranium. If anyone is deserving of a cameo on Sons of Anarchy, it would be Baker. I have no idea if he can pass protect or lead block on a screen, but if his glorious man mane is part of the criteria used when deciding who does or doesn’t earn a Pro Bowl berth, then Baker is a shoo-in.
Week 9 Dandies
Sophomore slump – Joe Flacco can’t beat the Bengals. In two games this year, the Ravens signal caller has tossed four interceptions to just one touchdown against the tiger stripes. To be shut down by the Bengals is like being rejected by the fat chick when looking for a prom date.
Man overboard – The five of you who read the Fiasco every week are well aware of my growing hatred for Matt Forte. If it were socially acceptable to murder human beings in their sleep by pouring acid on their lower extremities, I’d be on the first plane to Chicago. Forte’s latest gridiron atrocity was five carries for 33 yards. FIVE FU**ING CARRIES!!! You cannot be serious. My adorable 7-year-old niece could post those numbers. I’m circulating a petition asking for Forte’s early retirement due to complications from being teabagged every Sunday.
Sunday night turd – The Eagles have never won a Sunday night game since NBC took over the broadcast. That would be 0-7, if I’m not mistaken. I could peg pretty much any member of their so-called explosive offense for shitting the primetime bed, but I’ll single out DeSean Jackson and his two catches for 29 yards. Being an Eagles fan is maddening.
They Shoot Chargers Running Backs, Don’t They?
In six games this season, LT has run for 289 yards and three trips for six. His 3.2 per carry average is his lowest since he was a rookie. Barring a miracle that won’t happen, he will not eclipse 1000 yards rushing for the first time in his career. His days in the NFL are numbered. Next stop, Canton.
Break Out The Iron Maiden
I had to hose out the maiden last week, but it’s spic ‘n’ span with a fresh coat of wax and is ready for more bloodletting. The lucky winner to feel the maiden’s cold, sharp steel is Felix Jones. I keep reading and hearing how dangerous Jones is with the ball in his hands. One touchdown in six games doesn’t exactly instill fear in the hearts of opponents. Jones is beginning to look like another over-hyped playmaker by the name of Reggie Bush. A few protruding spikes to the chest should do Felix a world of good.
Hilarious Video of the Week Featuring a Fat Lady Falling
I like how her feet go straight up in the air right before her mammoth ass hits the floor. Does that make me a bad person? Nah, I don’t think so.
Song That Makes You Think You’re Tripping When You’re Not – “Woozy” by Faithless
Back in the mid-nineties, I was known to frequent a rave or two. They were loads of fun. Crazed dancing, a potpourri of pharmaceutical drugs and plenty of trance music. What’s not to like? Sure, I may have awakened face down in an open field miles away from my apartment with no recollection of how I got there, but no harm was done. Groups like Underworld, Orbital, Massive Attack and Faithless were the kings of trance back in those days. The beauty of trance music is you don’t need to be dosed to trip (although it’s much more enjoyable when you are). “Woozy” by Faithless is proof positive.
Double-Edged Sword
Who’s the best dual threat fantasy back? It was a hot topic of debate around the office yesterday. Wait a sec, I don’t have an office. It’s more of a nook or vestibule. At any rate, the Chronicles of Scott staff – which consists of my cat Snowball and a weird neighbor named Rick (who might be a serial killer) – narrowed it down to three names: MJD, Steven Jackson and Ray Rice. Jackson loses points because he’s on an awful team and has scored just once. MJD is solid, but his longest reception is only 16 yards. That leaves Rice, who I believe is the next Brian Westbrook. He has 573 yards rushing with five scores and 46 grabs for 436 yards and a touch. That folks is the the definition of dual threat.
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Week 9 is in the books. If you’re angling for a playoff spot, congrats. If you’re saddled with a roster of pathetic losers, I feel your pain. Look on the bright side — next season is only ten months away.
(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)
