The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. He’s Gonna Take Himself a Permanent Vacation. Nothing has yet been confirmed, but all indications are that Steven Tyler either has quit Aerosmith or is planning to quit Aerosmith in the very near future. So, if you’re making a big, dumb, expensive movie and need a lamed-out former rock band to record your insultingly trite romantic theme written by Diane Warren and originally intended for Celine Dion, you’ll have to call Bon Jovi.
2. He’s Lucky the Paper Hasn’t Gone All-Electronic. Cause Plastic is Hard on the Teeth. Noted sportswriter Rick Morrissey was so certain Joakim Noah would be an NBA bust that, after the Bulls drafted him, he promised to eat his column if Noah ever turned out to be a “useful” player. After two seasons of relative Noah usefulness plus a 21 and 16 Saturday night vs. Charlotte, Morrissey made good by bringing a copy of his old column to practice and consuming it with salsa. Noah himself had neither heard of Morrissey nor realized paper could be used for something other than rolling joints.
3. The Ugliest Shoes in the History of the World. Stylish ladies can now sport high-heeled versions of Nike’s Jordan sneakers. And by “stylish ladies” I mean “hos who want extra hops for when they come upon a chainlink fence while fleeing their enraged pimp.”
4. This is Not a Cue for Mr. Burns to Call Senor Spielbergo. Steven Spielberg was all set to direct Will Smith in a remake of Chan-wook Park’s classic revenge flick Oldboy, but then the movie gods gave a big Smith-like “Hell no!” from on high and everyone walked away. Let’s make a deal Steven Spielberg: You steer clear of Oldboy and all the other awesome movies made in the 25 years since you last made an awesome movie, and everyone else will stay away from Jaws and E.T. Okay?
5. Maybe if He Ate Meat He’d Have Better Reflexes. Been a rough couple weeks for Morrissey. First he had to call off a show cause he was sick, then this weekend he cut another concert short when some yahoo chucked a plastic bottle and hit him in his giant alt-rock-crooner cranium. Why do I not feel bad for him? Oh right…cause I hate Morrissey.
6. How About Just Ignoring it Cause it’s Stupid? The folks at NASA can’t get funding for anymore useful space exploration, so they’ve turned their attention to more earthly endeavors…like debunking the 2012 end-of-the-world myth. Apparently, people in the government are afraid the forthcoming Roland Emmerich film based on the silly Mayan apocalyptic prophecy will touch off a wave of possibly violent hysteria. Actually, the only wave that movie’s likely to touch off is one of enraged cinemagoers blogging their irritation at being duped by Hollywood yet again.
7. On His Way to Becoming the Starbury of the NFL. Larry Johnson has been set free by the Chiefs, and says he would like to continue his football career as a member of the Steelers. I could totally see this happening…when the UFL adds a team called the Steelers (which I’m pretty sure would end up in a lawsuit that would bankrupt the UFL).
8. Will He be Fat and Talk in a Slow, Condescending Voice? A person claiming to know says the show 30 Rock has lined up global non-warming debunker Al Gore to appear on its Christmas episode. Adding Gore to a cast that already includes pompous, overweight liberal asshat Alec Baldwin seems redundant, but whatever. It’s their show.
9. Another Way Drinking Can Kill You. Alcohol is bad kids. It destroys your liver. It ruins your kidneys. It causes your sweat to smell funny. And it sometimes makes you halfway pass out on the tracks when a subway train is coming right at you.
10. I Smell Impending On-Air Breakdown. Glenn Beck was not amused when he discovered that someone had created a site called glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com (For those of you who don’t like it when words all run together, that reads “Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Dot com.”). Unfortunately for Mr. Beck, it is still not against the law for people to say horrible things about people on the internet as long as it’s clear they are only kidding. Just as it is not against the law for people to say horrible things about people on TV as long as it is clear they are completely insane.
Further Reading:
The 10 Most Misunderstood Athletes (Not a Post About Speech Impediments)
Steve Yzerman Tribute and HOF Induction Speech
Kelly Pavlik to Fight December 19
Fantasy Football Fiasco Week 9
What Absurd Alternate Reality Would Actually Have Mike Holmgren Coming to the Browns?
Five Things I’ve Learned About the NBA Season so Far
You Either Learn Who Bill Martin is or You Get Roughed Up
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
