The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Vain and Silly. Sammy Sosa’s story on his lighter face has gone from “he uses a rejuvenating cream that has a side-effect of making his face look whiter” to “he puts a little bit of bleaching cream on his face before he goes to bed but he’s not trying to be white.“ This reminds me of the time Sammy went from being able to speak English with no problem to needing a translator when he sat before Congress. And the other time when he went from being a lovable slugger to a showboating jerk who got thrown out at second cause he was too busy hopping out of the box to bother running.
2. When Tennis Players Don’t Stick Together. Andre Agassi has admitted to lying about taking drugs back in the ’90s when he was winning grand slams. Now tennis star Marat Safin thinks Andre should have to give back the titles and money he won during that tainted era. Even if Andre does what Marat thinks is the right thing, it still won’t erase our memories of that god-awful wig, and the times we dry heaved at the thought of him having sex with Barbra Streisand.
3. How a Buzzer-Beater Becomes a Non-Buzzer-Beater. The Chicago Bulls thought they’d defeated the Denver Nuggets with a last-second shot by Brad Miller. Jubilation turned to despair, however, after the refs reviewed the shot and decided Miller hadn’t beaten the buzzer after all. Buzzer-bummer.
4. Not Ready to Hang Up the Hairpiece. Vin Scully says he will return for a 244th year in the Dodgers broadcast booth. One more year of Scully means hundreds more bad Scully impersonations that people will still be doing long after Scully is dead. No kid, he’s not named after your hat.
5. Jay Leno Sucks, Ratings Prove. The verdict is in according to Nielsen: America doesn’t love Jaywalking and the misprinted newspaper bit enough to switch over from CSI: Miami at 10 eastern. NBC may soon have to pull the plug on Jay, leaving hundreds of elderly shut-ins with nothing to lull them to sleep except the rhythmic clicking of their own artificial valves.
6. Trolls Beware. A judge in Illinois has ordered an anonymous internet commenter to reveal their identity, at the behest of a woman who claims she was harassed online. The legal system has now jumped to the top of the list of trolls’ greatest enemies, supplanting the previous leader, human contact.
7. He’ll Just Have to Console Himself With More Drugs and Sexual Pleasure from His 20-year-old Girlfriend. Jo Wood has gotten fed up with her husband Ron Wood’s philandering and filed for divorce. It needs to be pointed out now that Jo and Ron have been married for 25 years, and for all of that time, Ron has been a member of the Rolling Stones. And finally Jo’s had it up to here with him chasing Russian cocktail waitresses.
8. E.T. Say Ten Hail Marys. The Vatican has commissioned a panel of experts to study the possibility of alien life existing elsewhere in the universe. Not sure why the Vatican needs to commission a panel of anything when they have a Pope who is supposed to be infallible. Like, skip the big scientific hullabaloo and just ask the guy who’s never wrong about anything? Hello?
9. Everything But an Octopus. Minor league hockey coach goes crazy – about something; who cares, it’s minor league hockey – and has a classic throwing-stuff-onto-the-ice tantrum.
10. I’m Not Sure I Would’ve Admitted that, Mangenius. Eric Mangini dealt another blow to Browns‘ fans confidence in him by claiming he had no idea Brady Quinn’s contract included performance-based escalators (said escalators were seen as a reason Quinn was benched in favor of Derek Anderson, beyond the fact that Quinn sucks hard). The good news for Mangini is that, after this season, such matters will be Mike Holmgren’s problem and not his. Maybe Bill Belichick will let The Boy Wonder come back and iron his hoodies.
Further Reading:
BCS Headquarters – Interoffice Romance
Marcus Morris Dunks All Over Pitt State
Ted Williams, More Than Just a Frozen, Dented Head
Jon Runyan Headed to Congress? (He Thinks D-Linemen Play Dirty…)
Derek Jeter the Beneficiary of Lowered Expectations
Video Proof That Rick Morrissey Really Ate His Column With Salsa
Joe Cada is an Inspiration to Other People Who Hope to Win a Large Amount of Money by Pure Luck
The Curse of Tim Brown Continues
Vernon Davis Will Destroy Chicago (With His Fiery Breath?)
Gin Diagram: A Long Island Iced Tea Study
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
