One of the best kept secrets in pro football is that halfway through every NFL season, the commissioner meets with the owners of the worst teams in the league. In order to maintain the integrity of the product on the field it has become necessary for the least successful teams to report directly to the NFL.
Through sources that will remain anonymous, SD has attained a transcript of the meeting that occurred at the league offices in New York this week.
Roger Goodell: I’d like to thank you all for attending today. As you know, this is just a formality and all we’re doing here is checking in to make sure you’re still doing all you can to put a quality team on the field every week.
Al Davis: Why the hell isn’t the Ford family here?
Roger Goodell: Understandable, Mr. Davis. Just to clarify, the Lions will not be represented today by the Fords as they were unaware that they even owned an NFL franchise until my office contacted them. However, they did promise me to look at the standings at least once a month and to bench their starting quarterback every other week.
Clark Hunt: Well, what about the Rams? Why aren’t they represented in this room?
Al Davis: Yeah! You get Frontiere in here now, Goodell! Her team is as useless as Darrius Heyward-Bey’s hands.
Roger Goodell: To be fair, we enacted the Tony Mandarich rule for the Rams this year. This, as you all know, grants a waiver for any team that selects an offensive lineman in first five picks of the draft.
(Al Davis stands in anger)
Al Davis: If that isn’t the biggest load of crap!
Roger Goodell: Robert Gallery!
(Al Davis sits in shame)
(Randy Lerner stands)
Randy Lerner: Can we please get through one of these meetings without Al Davis interrupting every five seconds?
Al Davis: Zip it Lerner! We play you this year and don’t think I won’t tell Alzado to go low on Kosar every chance he gets.
Randy Lerner: Kosar?
Dan Snyder: Back down, Lerner.
(Lerner sits)
Al Davis: Thanks, Snyder.
Dan Snyder: No problem, Mr. Davis. Thanks again for recommending DeAngelo Hall. He’s a fan favorite!
Al Davis: Told ya so.
Malcolm Glazer: Can we make this quick, Goodell? I’ve got a satellite interview with the BBC starting in an hour.
Roger Goodell: Well then, we’ll start with you first, Glazer. Do you even care about football anymore? You seem more consumed with Manchester United than the Buccaneers.
Malcolm Glazer: Buccaneers? Oh…right…those guys. Look, we’re in a transitional period, that’s all.
(Al Davis chuckles)
Al Davis: Keep telling yourself that, Glazer.
Malcolm Glazer: We beat you down in the Super Bowl, Davis.
Al Davis: You won that game with my sloppy coaching seconds.
Roger Goodell: Enough guys! Enough! Look, Glazer, we’re just concerned that you’re more focused on things other than your NFL franchise. We don’t want Tampa to revert to 80’s all over again. We realize you’ve been competitive in recent years but grew concerned with the way things ended last season and with how they’re going so far this year.
Malcolm Glazer: Roger, don’t even worry about us. We’ll be back in the Champions League Final again this year!
Roger Goodell: You mean the Super Bowl, right? Answer me this; who was your starting quarterback last Sunday?
Al Davis: Doug Williams!
Roger Goodell: Mr. Davis, please.
(Glazer looks around the room awkwardly)
Malcolm Glazer: Um, well…
Roger Goodell: Can you tell me the name of your head coach?
Al Davis: John McKay!
Roger Goodell: Davis, seriously! Enough!
Malcolm Glazer: Ah…Sir Alex Ferguson? Look, gotta run, Goodell. Thanks for having us, can’t wait to do this again next year.
(Glazer hurriedly stands and rushes out of the room)
Roger Goodell: Let’s just cut to the chase. Show of hands, how many of you are going to be making coaching changes this year?
(Davis, Snyder and Lerner all raise their hands)
Roger Goodell: You can put your hand down, Mr. Davis. That question is always rhetorical for you.
(Al Davis drops his hand and shrugs)
Roger Goodell: We’ll just go around the room now and you’ll tell me who you’re thinking of as your next hire.
(Randy Lerner stands)
Randy Lerner: Guess I’ll go first. So, you know I really value Eric Mangini’s opinion and all. So, he suggested this really hot coach in the college ranks. Some guy named Charlie Weis. Rumor is he’ll be available after the season is over, fingers crossed on that one. You know how we love those Belichick disciples.
Roger Goodell: Thanks for sharing, Lerner. You can have a seat.
(Lerner flashes an embarrassed smile and quickly sits)
Al Davis: I’m thinking of promoting our receivers coach, Sanjay Lal. He’s done wonders with our young wide outs.
Roger Goodell: How about you, Snyder?
(Snyder leans over to Al Davis who whispers something into Dan’s ear)
Dan Snyder: Tom Cable…or…possibly John Riggins.
Roger Goodell: You and I should chat after the meeting, Snyder.
(Snyder leans over to Al Davis who again whispers something in his ear)
Dan Snyder: Not without my lawyers present.
(Davis and Snyder slap a high-five)
Roger Goodell: Moving on. Now, just briefly tell me what you’re thinking of doing with your high picks in the upcoming draft. Since you’re staying the course with Todd Haley, we’ll start with you first, Hunt.
Clark Hunt: I’m thinking we’ll go after another defensive lineman from Louisiana State, unless somebody else could suggest a better way to blow $40 million without breaking a sweat.
Al Davis: I hear Larry Johnson is a free agent now.
Clark Hunt: Really? Who would be dumb enough to let a stud like that walk? Excuse me, gentlemen. I’ve got to make a phone call.
(Clark Hunt hurriedly exits the room)
(Randy Lerner stands)
Randy Lerner: So, I wish I could tell you who we’re thinking of drafting but…um…I need to consult Mangini first. Of course, he’s got to check in with Rex Ryan to see if the Jets need anything. So, I’m gonna have to get back to you on that, Mr. Commissioner.
Roger Goodell: Thanks for sharing, Lerner. Again, you don’t have to stand.
Randy Lerner: Sorry…I’m so stupid sometimes!
(Lerner sits and begins to slap himself in the face)
Randy Lerner: I’m such an idiot! I don’t deserve to be an owner!
Al Davis: Lerner! Get a hold of yourself, man! Good god!
(Lerner calms down)
Dan Snyder: To be honest, Goodell. I’m not so sure we’re even going to have any draft picks. I’m considering trading our entire draft for JaMarcus Russell.
Al Davis: My man!
(Goodell sighs)
Roger Goodell: And how about you, Mr. Davis? What are your plans for the draft?
Al Davis: Mike Tyson. No, wait. Tyson Gay. Wait…what was the question?
(A pigeon soars through an open window and lands on the shoulder of Al Davis. Davis removes a small piece of paper from the bird’s leg. He unrolls the paper and reads it.)
Al Davis: Are we done here, Goodell? I’ve just been informed that my buggy is waiting outside and I’ve got to get to the christening of the Titanic.
(The door opens and Ralph Wilson enters)
Roger Goodell: You’re a little early for the mediocrity symposium, Mr. Wilson. We’re just wrapping up here.
(Dean Spanos enters the room)
Dean Spanos: Damn, am I early again? Oh, hey Mr. Davis.
Al Davis: Suck it Spanos!
Dan Snyder: Yeah! You told him, Mr. Davis!
Roger Goodell: I think we’re done here.
(Chris Shellcroft is the lead blogger for Just Blog Baby, occasional contributor on Lake Show Life and an all around righteous dude. You can follow him on Twitter.)
