The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. In Real Life, There Are No Star Uppercuts. Mike Tyson was minding his own business at LAX when a paparazzo started bugging him. One punch later, the pap’s forehead was gashed and Tyson was on his way to once again experiencing the steel caress of handcuffs. I guess the pap saw the Tyson documentary and figured all the crying meant Champ had gotten over his violent tendencies. Nope.
2. One Media Nutbag Down, Several Thousand to Go. Embattled TV host/vile racist Lou Dobbs has decided to jump the CNN border fence and run for freedom (well, waddle for freedom). “All of us will miss his appetite for big ideas, the megawatt smile and larger than life presence he brought to our newsroom,” said CNN president Jonathan Klein. “All of us” meaning “all of us who aren’t Hispanic or turned off by a man who sweats vegetable oil.”
3. Good News Jay Leno. Someone Watches Your Show! Brooke Hundley, the former ESPN staffer who became disgustingly involved with silver-haired former ESPN analyst Steve Phillips, gave an interview to Good Morning America in which she revealed that Jay Leno’s jokes about her made her cry. They make everyone cry, Brooke.
4. I Knew Those Damn Things Were Evil. The man responsible for Mafia Wars, and all those other dumb-ass Facebook games people endlessly annoy you with invitations to join, has admitted that he conceived the diabolical things as money-making scams right from the very beginning. Oh, you’ve got an Armored Truck for me to use? Can I run your easily-duped ass over with it? No? Well then I guess I don’t want it.
5. If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Keep Your Fake Boobs Out of the Kitchen. Things got uncomfortable when Carrie Prejean went on with Larry King to discuss her recent problems, including the revelation that her Christian values weren’t strong enough to keep her from making a sex tape. Evidently, Carrie wants all the balls lobbed at her to be softer and squishier than the ones she now wears inside her formerly flat little Christian chest. Larry, as we know, likes his balls high and hard.
6. Chicago Snickers and Rolls its Eyes. Millions of Brazilians experienced life without electricity Wednesday night after a glitch at a hydroelectric dam. The only remaining light source in the normally well-illuminated city of Rio de Janeiro was the thousands of sparkly-if-indecently-skimpy dresses on all the women who do nothing but dance up and down the street so people can film them for documentaries about Brazil.
7. Even Jesse Ventura Thinks That’s Nuts. Wisconsinites lucky enough to score a seat at Sarah Palin’s recent appearance in West Allis were treated to a doozy of a conspiracy theory: that the de-emphasis of the phrase “In God We Trust” on new coins is part of a plot by evil liberals to remove the Christianity from our currency. Oh Sarah, you silly girl. It’s not the liberals – it’s the Masons.
8. The Kingston Trio Wasn’t Available. Links site Hot Clicks has broken the news that geriatric rockers The Who have been tapped to provide the halftime entertainment at this year’s Super Bowl. Unless they’ve figured out a way to go back in time, kidnap The Who circa “Live at Leeds” and force them to play at halftime of the Super Bowl…who freaking cares.
9. Dunk Video Starring Andre Iguodala. NBA players sometimes make baseline moves and throw it down, as Andre Iguodala demonstrates.
10. Random Old Music Video in the 10 Slot: The Cure – “Lovesong.”
Further Reading:
Turning Your Head Into a Replica Bengals Helmet isn’t Allowed in an Ohio Middle School
Brandon Jennings is Making His Mark
Tyrone Carter – AFC Defensive Player of the Week
The Cast of FlashForward: Do We Know These Guys? (Flowchart)
A Rare Chewing Tobacco Review (Mouth Cancer is Fun)
Blogs With Balls After Dark With Matt Sebek
A Bra That is Also a Putting Green
Youngstown State Opens Hoops Season at Xavier
The National League Handed Out its Gold Gloves
Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb Hold Secret Meeting (I Think This Might be Made Up)
Microsoft Made a Music Video for Vista (and Like Vista, it Sucks Hard)
Incompetent NFL Owners Anonymous
An Interview With Karl Mecklenburg
Manny Sanguillen in His Underwear
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
