The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Puns Employing the Word “Bear” Are Just too Easy. Jay Cutler was supposed to be the man to finally dispel hundreds of years of Chicago Bears fan angst over the quarterback position. Unfortunately, through 9 games, Cutler has now thrown an absurd 17 interceptions, including 5 during the Bears’ miserable 10-6 loss to the 49ers. Bears fan angst over the quarterback position is not only not diminished, it is actually reaching an all-time high. Where’s Jim Miller when you need his barely-adequate ass?
2. NFL Cracking Down on Fake Bribery. Ochocinco has been fined 20 grand for pretending to offer a ref a 1 dollar bribe. Not since Pacman Jones has such a low denomination gotten a player in so much trouble. Clearly, Roger Goodell had the part of the brain that recognizes and appreciates humor removed at some point in his life.
3. Just When You Thought You Were Finally Forgetting About Them. Your brain had just about let go of the names Richard and Mayumi Heene, but now it will have to hold onto them a little bit longer…long enough to learn that the dumbtastic duo has pleaded guilty to various charges stemming from the infamous Balloon Boy hoax. Sadly, the judge is not allowed to sentence Richard to float over Colorado in a helium balloon while people shoot at it with a BB gun.
4. If They’d Shot Him, His Blood Would’ve Been Orange. Corey Zickefoose, the man held up at pellet-gun-point by three members of the Tennessee football team, says he doesn’t want the players punished by the university for their act. And what is behind Mr. Zickefoose’s unusual show of compassion toward the hooligans who allegedly tried to rob him? He’s a Vols fan. And therefore insane.
5. And You Think Yours is Great Cause it Can Play Dead and Bark On Cue. 14 months ago, the bomb-sniffing Labrador Sabi went missing after a battle with the Taliban in the deserts of Afghanistan. Last week, after over a year living in the desolate wastes amongst the goats and scorpions, Sabi was miraculously returned to her unit, unscathed and in dire need of a bath. I don’t know about you, but if my job was sticking my nose in things that might be bombs, I would probably make a break for it too.
6. Would You Like a Haircut to Go With that Facial? Dwyane Wade makes a fool of Anderson Varejao.
7. Mike McCarthy is a Jerk as Well as a Rotten Coach. Mike Wood worked for the Packers for 22 years. Then he allegedly said something in passing to coach Mike McCarthy that McCarthy didn’t like and got fired for it. The Packers continue to struggle when it comes to making wise personnel decisions.
8. Taking Married People Role Playing to a New, Chris Hanson-Like Level. When couples want to spice up their love lives, they often engage in sexy role playing games. But, when 61-year-old Cheryl Roberts began posing as an underage girl on the internet and interacting with her 68-year-old husband David, it had nothing to do with putting the lead back in his pencil. It had everything to do with catching sick pedophile David in the act of trolling for teenagers and turning him over to the cops. Well done, Cheryl Roberts.
9. MC Putin? Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin, hoping to boost his image with the hip hop loving youth of his nation, made an appearance on the Russian TV network Muz TV, presenting an award to the winners of a rap contest. I don’t know what Russian rap sounds like, but if it’s anything like Russian rock, it is hilariously lame.
10. Random Movie Clip in the 10 Spot: Unforgiven
Further Reading:
Peyton Manning’s 10 Best TV Commercials
Dock Ellis Discusses Pitching a No-Hitter on Acid
Ochocinco in Episode 1 of Child, Please
Podcast: Rejected ESPN 30 for 30 Concepts
4 Insane Tribal Sports That You May Want to Try
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
