The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 10 of the NFL.
1. Bud Adams has two middle fingers and isn’t afraid to use them.
2. Adrian Peterson may have lizard skin, but Phillip Buchanon has cheetah legs and a pigskin-seeking spring-loaded hand.
3. The Redskins may suck on defense and offense, but they run a fake punt off a fake field goal better than anyone I ever saw.
4. The Bengals are no longer willing to lie in the fetal position and let the Steelers kidney-kick them till they pee blood.
5. If I ever attempt to approach Bill Belichick on the field after a loss, I’ll first have to get past his over-zealous royal guard.
6. Going for it on fourth down when failing means handing the ball to Peyton Manning on your 28 with 2 minutes left and all Peyton needs to beat you is one touchdown is not just crazy, it’s decidedly ungenius-y. Did I mention it’s also stupid?
7. LaDainian Tomlinson should knock up his wife more often.
8. Maurice Jones-Drew had himself in fantasy football, and still he took a knee rather than score a touchdown. There’s a lad who knows the meaning of sacrifice.
9. The Cowboys can’t make up their mind if they suck or if they’re good. Neither can the Eagles. The Redskins, at least, have made a commitment to atrociousness.
10. Darrius Heyward-Bey’s hands have a lot in common with slabs of granite. As do Al Davis’s prostate and colon.
2. All the Fun of Visiting National Monuments, Without the Annoyances of Travel and Having to Spend Time With Your Family. Oh, and They All Get Fucked Up in Awesome Ways. 2012 rode a wave of apocalyptic hysteria to the #1 slot at the weekend box office, raking in $65 million. Thanks to Hollywood, when Americans take their kids to visit the Statue of Liberty from now on, Junior will be disappointed it didn’t get plowed by a giant wave.
3. His Wife Couldn’t Stand to Watch Him Get Pummeled…for More Than 8 Rounds. Manny Pacquiao is the baddest boxer in the world. And if you don’t believe me, just ask the mangled remains of Miguel Cotto’s face. You know you’ve gotten your ass beat when your face becomes a trending topic on Twitter. By the way, Manny Pacquiao fans: I know you love your guy, but is catching his fight really more important than being there for your pregnant wife?
4. Another Reason Not to Ever Visit Russia or Even Go Near it. Three homeless maniacs were arrested in Russia after they killed a 25-year-old man, chopped his body up, ate part of it and sold the rest to a kebab shop. And possibly a pie shop. In Russia, the “Will Work for Food” signs say “Will Work for Food But Prefer to Just Kill You and Eat You and Sell the Rest of You so I Can Buy Vodka and Possibly a Fat, Hairy Prostitute.”
5. Cherish Your Memories of Brock Lesnar Sitting on Some Guy’s Face…You May Never See it Again. UFC president Dana White has revealed that the case of mono Brock Lesnar reportedly came down with is actually a case of something really terrible that will require him to undergo major surgery on his intestines. In other news, MMA is incredibly homoerotic and people who watch it are all closeted gays.
6. Why Stop With One? Disgraced former Miss California Carrie Prejean has at least 8 sex tapes ready to circulate if anyone ever gets around to leaking them, and also at least 30 nude pictures she took of herself in a mirror. And you thought Kim Kardashian was a filthy skank. Imagine how dirty she’d be if she loved Jesus.
7. The British Like Their Movie Adverts as White as Possible. Controversy has erupted in Britain over a promotional poster for Couples Retreat that omits the movie’s two token black characters. Are we sure those two actors didn’t ask to be omitted? Maybe they’re ashamed to have anyone know they were in that.
8. Overrated Former Child Prodigy Gone Slightly Wild. Michelle Wie claimed Lorena Ochoa’s invitational tournament in Mexico for her first win on the LPGA tour. Afterward, the 20-year-old Wie was doused with beer by her fellow golfers. Despite being in Mexico, Wie did not respond by sticking her pierced tongue out and flashing her boobs.
9. I Smell a Stephen Colbert Bit Coming. An 11-year-old boy in Idaho did what any 11-year-old boy in Idaho would do when confronted by a black bear who refused to leave his porch despite repeated warnings: he got out the family gun and blasted Yogi into oblivion. “I got your pic-i-nic basket right here bitch.”
10. January Jones on SNL. The bit isn’t really that funny, but who cares when it’s Betty Draper?
Further Reading:
College Football Hit of the Week
Manny Pacquiao Sings (About Something Other Than the Joy of Pounding Someone’s Face to Jelly)
10 Female Celebs Who Should be Seen and Not Heard
Ron Artest’s Balloon Boy Moment
30 Best Action Figures of the 80s
Movies for Jay Cutler and Bears Fans
All Aboard the Brandon Jennings Love Train
British Kid Flips Out Because Modern Warfare 2 Sucks
This Guy Thinks Ray Edwards’ Helmet-to-Helmet Hit on Matthew Stafford Was Dirty
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
