The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Brady Quinn is So Bad, He’s Dangerous. Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn topped off a terrible passing performance on Monday Night Football by going low on the Ravens‘ Terrell Suggs after an interception and knocking him out with a knee injury. After the game, Ray Lewis said that Quinn should be fined for the hit. While we’re handing out fines, how about one for whoever decided the Browns should be on Monday night? And another one for the NFL for allowing the Browns to exist?
2. We’re Talking About Eating Vaseline and Crying. Allen Iverson and the Memphis Grizzlies have had their short, rocky marriage annulled. This leaves Iverson without a job and the Grizzlies without a washed-up veteran to complain about not starting on a team where he is clearly not one of the five best players. Since I’m all about solutions, I will now propose one that will take care of both these issues: Starbury should hand over his internet wack-job duties to AI and sign with the Grizzlies. Keep the Circle of Suck turning.
3. In Germany He is Just Another Freak. Dennis Rodman was jailed for a short time in Trier, Germany – he was in town for a basketball exhibition – after a misunderstanding led to a hotel liquor bill not being paid. Now, tell the truth: If someone says the words “Dennis Rodman,” “Germany” and “jail,” you figure you’re going to hear about a wild sexcapade gone wrong, and if you don’t, it’s very disappointing. Sorry.
4. Bears Fans Would Like to Thank Dan Grossman for Reminding Them That His Son Exists. Bears fans have moved on from the Rex Grossman era and, in Jay Cutler, discovered a new quarterback to blame all their problems on. Rex Grossman’s father Dan has, however, not moved on. He is still stewing over his beloved progeny being relentlessly hammered for years despite leading the team to 50% of its all-time Super Bowl appearances. Because Dan is a clever, well-educated individual, he disguises his defense of his son as a defense of Cutler.
5. This Relationship is Doomed. I’m not sure what Kate Hudson thought she was getting when she began hooking up with Alex Rodriguez, but I’m guessing she didn’t anticipate questions about A-Rod’s centaur obsession being thrown into the mix. Kate has enough problems – cough Bride Wars cough – without the added pressure of having to deflect accusations that her boyfriend is a vain egomaniac with bad taste in art. Break-up imminent.
6. The Ted Williams Frozen Head Abuse Fiasco Taught Us Nothing. Have you always dreamed of having your body frozen after you die so you can one day be thawed out and collect on your own life insurance policy? No, it’s not the kind of wild scam your black sheep older brother would attempt to sell you on while visiting with his new Jamaican wife, it’s an actual honest-to-goodness scam that has the backing of shady lawyers and is being promoted via the internet. Make extra money by suing the cryonics lab for leaving your thawed-out self with a giant wrench-shaped dent in your skull.
7. His Name Always Sounded Like an Airplane! Bit. Some of you may remember the MTV game show Remote Control and its curly-haired host Ken Ober. You probably watched it in college. You were probably stoned at the time. You probably wacked to Ober’s co-host Kari Wuhrer once-or-twice when no one was in the room. You probably thought to yourself, “I wonder what it’s like being inside Tina Yothers?” But you never got to find out. Sorry, I became distracted. This was an item about how Ken Ober is now dead. Like, dead dead.
8. Her Name is Now Synonymous With the Sort of Roughhousing Guys Always Think is Hot Until it Actually Happens. Elizabeth Lambert, the New Mexico student-athlete who got suspended for becoming confused and thinking her soccer match was roller derby without the skates, is enough of a pop culture figure to warrant lampooning by random internet video outfits.
9. Today in People Abusing Their Authority. Folks letting their grass grow out of control is apparently a big problem in Jupiter, Florida, so the town council is considering quadrupling the fine for said offense. And since the fine is already at $250-per-day…well, you do the math. Either people can shell out $1,000/day for having a jungle lawn, or they can pay a neighborhood kid five bucks a week to mow it for them. Or move someplace where people are more tolerant toward lawn care negligence (e.g., a trailer park).
10. Random Old Music Video in the 10 Slot: Clinic – Walking With Thee
Further Reading:
Two Guys I Never Heard of Won Rookie of the Year
This Guy is Mad Andrew McCutchen Didn’t Win Rookie of the Year
The Five People Who Watched MNF to the End Got to See Josh Cribbs Get Leveled
The Bengals Have Themselves Another Tweeter
Crazy Internet Money Making Ideas That Worked
Brock Lesnar Surgery Speculation
Bud Adams Fined for Double-Barrel Birdage
Jon Gruden Will be With MNF for While (Unless Something a Little Coachier Comes Up)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
