The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. T.O. Didn’t Even Get the Chance to Undermine Him. The Buffalo Bills have fired head coach Dick Jauron 9 games into the season. Obviously, the organization expected better than a 3-6 start, especially after signing noted winner Terrell Owens and handing the quarterbacking reins to Trent Edwards aka the Guy Who isn’t J.P. Losman. A real coach would’ve gotten at least four wins out of this bunch.
2. Wrestling is Fake, but The Wrestler is Real. Hulk Hogan has decided to step back into the ring after a few year stint as a reality TV star and creepy daughter-fondler. Because wrestling promoters never met a shtick too old and lame to not resurrect, they’ve elected to throw him right in with fellow aged grappler Ric Flair for a Battle of the Guys You Thought Were Cool in 4th Grade grudge match for the ages. Naturally, as a prelude to such an epic exercise in contrived silliness, there must be a press conference where the two grandpas get into a “fight” and one of them does a Mickey Rourke on his own forehead. It’s all for the love of the game (and the alimony payments).
3. At Least He Was Relatively Polite About it. Miami (Ohio) basketball coach Charlie Coles took offense to a reporter’s question after his squad just missed beating powerhouse Kentucky. What ensued cannot accurately be described as a meltdown. It was more of a slow, civilized venting of exasperation.
4. The Red Sox Will Have to Pay Him Even More Now. Zack Greinke has capped off a brilliant season by claiming the American League Cy Young Award. Greinke won 16 games for the Kansas City Royals, an amazing feat given that the Royals only won 15 games as a team. His ERA was lower than a Jose Canseco publicity stunt. His overall stats were so brilliant, Bill James had them printed up big and hung on his wall so he could masturbate to them.
5. I Would’ve Had the Vial Tested. Nicolas Cage got so deep into the drug-addled cop character he plays in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans that director Werner Herzog began thinking the actor had slipped some real cocaine into the vial of fake cocaine he was using as a prop. This is silly though; everyone knows Nic Cage is too broke to buy cocaine. Okay, I suppose he could’ve stolen it.
6. What Was Grandma Doing Buying Lube? Now You Know. The drug flibanseren failed as an anti-depressant, but thanks to the libido-boosting effect it had on women during clinical trials, it may get a second chance as Viagra for females. Possible side-effects include elevated heart rate, shortness of breath and a sudden fascination with Lorenzo Lamas movies.
7. The Fish Was Fine. It Could’ve Been Deader, I Suppose. The Sauce Was Good. In China, it is now hip to eat a fish that has been fried alive and served up still moving. They use fish because, well, you try getting a panda to sit still long enough to fry it from the neck down.
8. Now You Guys Know What You Have to Never Live Up to. People Magazine has named Johnny Depp the sexiest man alive. Mark Mangino came in a close second.
9. Soon They Will Come and Steal All Our Space Heaters. The Adelie penguin, scientists say, is evolving much faster than their previous research indicated. It’s only a matter of time before they overtake the lowest human on the evolutionary ladder, Mark Schlereth.
10. Carl Lewis, You Are On Notice. Politicians in the nation of South Africa are so outraged at reggae singer Ras Dumasini’s pre-rugby match mangling of their national anthem that they’ve accused the man of treason. Sadly, Mo Cheeks cannot be everywhere.
Further Reading:
9 Fatal Flaws of Beloved Movie Characters
Wanted: For Killing Your Fantasy Football Team
Dwyane Wade Gets His Soul Glo On
Kordell Stewart Still Sucks at Stuff
Fantasy Football Fiasco Week 10
Allen Iverson: The Burden of Genius
Six Awesome TV Characters Who Need Their Own Shows
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
